Pornography: It’s Not You, It’s Him

January 13, 2014

in Uncategorized

Pornography is a problem that touches most marriages, and it is getting worse rapidly. Most women do not understand why their husband is so drawn to porn, or why it is so hard for him to stop. I am going to take a couple of posts to discuss this and other things about pornography. (If you want to see what I have said to men about porn, check this recent Generous Husband post).

 Porn © Norebbo | Dreamstime.com

First, I want you to know your husband’s porn use is not about you. I know it feels it is, and maybe he has even told you it is “your fault”. I recently had a “discussion” in the comments of another blog where a man informed me “porn would cease to be on the radar IF wives would do what this website says they should do…HAVE SEX WITH THEIR HUSBANDS.”

His statement is false. I can say this with confidence because I know how widespread male porn use is prior to marriage. I did a survey on this last year, and the numbers were sad. Among men younger than 45, only 23% said they had seen either no porn or just a little porn prior to marriage.

Thing is, they are not just looking. Among the men under 45, 56% say they masturbated to porn more than 100 times while single, and 35% said more than 500 times. When so many men go into marriage with a clear porn problem, how can anyone say it is the wife’s fault if he continues using porn after he gets married?

I have talked to a number of men who hoped getting married would end their porn use. At best, it keeps them from porn for six months, and most do not make it that long. The reason for this is that porn and sex are not the same thing – more on that tomorrow.

There are husbands who use porn despite having all the sex they want with their wife. There are husbands who choose porn over a willing wife. Porn use is not about a man’s wife, his marriage, or his sex life. I know plenty of men who want to use these and other things as justification or excuses for their porn use, but that does not make it true.

Please know it’s not you, it’s him. Understanding that should make it hurt a bit less and it will increase your odds of doing something about the issue.

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

K January 19, 2014 at 3:26 am

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing this. My husband and I are on the brink of divorce due to his obsessive porn addiction and the emotional and physical affairs it has led him to while we’ve been married… All the while he keeps tells me “it is in NO way about me”. The truth is that his actions and inability to stop have hurt me so bad that I have a hard time not believing that it is deeply personal. That is my own struggle that I must now deal with. I needed to read this today. God bless you for writing it. For any women out there like me who are struggling with their realization, pain and frustration with porn and their husband, you’re not alone. Every little post, book, resource helps!

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Paul Byerly January 20, 2014 at 11:48 am

K – Glad it helped. You have our prayers for your struggle and for his.

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