Why Men Hate Valentine’s

February 12, 2014

in Uncategorized

I know some women are not fans either, but I think men in general are more unhappy about Valentine’s Day than women in general.

The short answer to why men dislike it is “Nothing in it for me, and a high risk I will get it wrong and pay for that.

Flowers and a hug © David Castillo Dominici| freedigitalphotos.net

Of course, that is a major generalisation, but a good many men would agree with me. Valentines seems to have become more and more about pleasing her, as opposed to a holiday for lovers. I suspect we can blame marketing to a large degree.

Men complain the holiday is all for women, focused on what they want and need, while ignoring what men like. Some have suggested they would be fine if there were a holiday for men. (Some are promoting a male alternative to V-day a month later – a day all about steak and oral sex – but I digress.)

The other big complaint is being unable to give their wife what she wants. I used to think this was just men being especially clueless, but then I saw guys do all the things we think women want only to be told they failed. I suspect it is not the norm, and it is played up to make guys feel better about not really trying, but for some it is a real issue.

I do know many men really do not understand romance. To them, romance it is a secret dark art with rules they cannot decipher. Most women do not think about love and romance the way men do, so we can do what seems good to us and completely miss it. A few well-intended misses is enough to convince a guy he is being asked to play a game he cannot win. If he got that from a former girlfriend or two, he may have given up before he even met you.

As with most things, if you want him to understand what you want, be obnoxiously clear. Men tend to miss or misinterpret hints.

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Image Credit: © David Castillo Dominici| freedigitalphotos.net

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Anon. February 12, 2014 at 3:14 am

I am married and don’t think I’m alone in wanting this to be about us and celebrating our love and not just about me. I try to give him a break by letting him know what I would most like for him to do bc my bday, our anniversary and V-Day are all within 2 1/2 weeks. I told him I’d like to spend the day together,if it worked for him to take off, and flowers for my bday-I’d rather make it easy on him and have fun together than make him guess and not be on the same page with expectations. But having just written that a lot of the creativity in our relationship is on me and I think he depends on that now and it would be fabulous for him to show some thoughtful (he’s always thoughtful in his way) more romantic gestures (not so natural to him but he can learn!) such as a cute message on the mirror or whiteboard, a suggestion of something new and fun in the bedroom to look forward to all day, a note on my pillow, a rose when he comes home for lunch, a bottle of wine when he comes home from work. Nothing grand just small, simple things letting me know he’s taken the time to think of me and us and gone out of his way. My husband very much likes to stay entrenched in his routine and comfort zones but sometimes I think he can just be lazy in these areas-I have never and would never be disappointed or make him feel bad for an effort he made-I just want an effort made :-) Yes I am a woman and want more romance and affection than he does and I’ve been trying to teach him!

What do women ignore on Valentine’s that men want and need? What do we need to know?

This year I need help. We live on a military base overseas so everything takes planning or making do and there’s not a lot of options for anything let alone romantic things. My husband knows I love to dress up for him so I planted that thought in his head already :-) And with him I will definitely bake him a special treat-his favorite way to feel loved. For a special night in this year-cooking together or steaks on the grill with a fire in the fire pit or pizza and get a good movie and have favorite movie snacks and snuggle on the couch? Maybe make the guest room up and have a staycation and give each other massages? What are romantic things to a man? How does a man want to spend a romantic evening? (It is a given I will wear something sexy!).

BTW-I can see how a man could resent this holiday if his special someone expects things! Oral sex is part of our sex life but I wonder if it would be if it was an expectation like you mentioned for the man’s holiday.

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Paul Byerly February 12, 2014 at 11:05 am

@Anon. The things you say you want are all reasonable, and things men need to learn – specifically which one’s their wife wants. I do my best to teach guys these things, as do others.

I think what men want for Valentine’s would be less pressure and more sex. For most men sex is about intimacy and love, and not having it on a day devoted to intimacy and love feels like a slight to them. Of course this can easily create the expectation trap you describe.

Your suggestions sound great, most men would feel loved and blessed!

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Dr Richard Norris February 12, 2014 at 4:43 am

I’ve never got it wrong but then I never know if I got it right. My wife is not material. She doesn’t care much for gifts. She said to me yesterday, don’t get me anything. This was not a subtle Catch-22 hint. She meant it (so I’ve learned). As it happens I don’t want gifts. I just want her. All to myself. No kids. No work or To Do list interruptions. I’d just love a day that is just us together soley to serve, bless and delight each other.

We did the 5 love languages test the other month. Very revealing. Her scores were generally low on everything except Affirmation, which, I’ve always done. Despite my wife knowing how high my score is on Physical (hers is very different to mine) connecting the dots has yet to occur on a regular basis.

All this said…I remain hopeful.
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Paul Byerly February 12, 2014 at 11:07 am

Sounds like you are communicating well and learning about each other – great reasons to be hopeful!

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Rosemary February 12, 2014 at 8:23 am

My husband usually enjoys holidays, and that includes Valentine’s Day. Maybe it’s because for us it’s about being together, not just one person trying to please the other. He does try to please me, not because there is any penalty for failing to do so, but because he likes to see me smile. I am pleased if all I get is a card, and I am pleased if I get a big gift and a nice dinner. What pleases me is having him show that he thought of me and wanted to express his feelings. I try to do the same for him.
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Paul Byerly February 12, 2014 at 11:08 am

I tell men a big part of romance is showing her you think about her even when you are not with her. The preparation and proof you know her is huge.

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