Yesterday in her Generous Wife post Sex, Lies and the Pursuit of Truth, my beautiful bride said:

“I had to really listen to my husband when he said that he wanted to have sex with me for more than just the sex, that he wanted real intimacy. My first reaction was to disbelieve him. Guys just want sex, right? Wrong! Guys are people too. There are some really great guys out there that love their wife and want all kinds of intimacy.”

This is the perfect lead in to a post I have been working on. I realise some of you want more sex than your husband (which I’ll address another time), but most of you probably want less than he wants, and some of you feel hounded for sex. Here are some truths about men and sex:

Sex is a Gateway to Intimacy

Say intimacy, and most men think sex. This is not because sex is the only form of intimacy men understand; it’s because sex is an important intimacy gateway for men. Just as most women need good non-sexual intimacy before they want or enjoy sex, most men need good sexual intimacy before they want or enjoy deep non-sexual intimacy.

For men, sex communicates love and acceptance, while a lack of sex communicates the opposite. I realise these are not usually what women are trying to communicate when they have or don’t have sex, but it is what men feel. Even if you convince a man this is not what his wife means, he will still feel it.

When a man feels a good sexual connection with his wife, he wants other forms of intimacy. Not tolerates, wants. The need was always there, but it is hard to hear over the loud need for sexual intimacy.

His Need for Release

Almost all men say they feel a need for sexual release. Most express is as a vague fullness somewhere in their body—not in the testicles, somewhere inside. Some theorise this is caused by the filling of the seminal vesicles pressing on nerves, but as far as I know it has never definitively been explained. It may have mental and hormonal components in addition to physical. Whatever the cause, it is real, and the only way to end it is ejaculation.

This need starts to build after he has sex, and grows steadily over time. Anything that causes arousal makes the need grow faster. To be honest, this need drives a man to sex, not love-making. However, if he’s in a good relationship with a woman he loves, he wants the sex to be love-making.

The need for release is the force that pushes men to engage in promiscuity or adultery. I’m not excusing sin, just explaining a primary force behind many male sex sins. This is also the main reason men masturbate, and why most men do so far more often than most women do.

An analogy may help here. I enjoy going out and having a meal with my wife. I like the ambiance, the variety, and not having to cook or clean up. I also greatly enjoy my wife’s company. If I had the time and money, I would eat most meals this way. However, if I’ve been working hard physically, and I missed a meal, I want food. At that point, ambiance, variety, and the rest are minor concerns—I just want to stop feeling hungry. When a man goes too long without sex, he is hungry, and his focus is on ending the hunger. When a man has “enough sex” he wants to enjoy long slow sex with his wife, and he is willing to wait for the chance to have good sex rather than just having release right now.

Why Can’t He Snuggle Without Wanting Sex?

Because he loves you, he enjoys your body, and being close to you makes him horny. Let me tell you a secret—there are times when this is annoying for him too. I recall times when I was young when I really wanted to enjoy some non-sexual touch, but I couldn’t because it always caused arousal. In my 20s, the only way to enjoy non-sexual touch was if it was after sex, or I knew it would end with sex. At times, I hated that!

The good news is this changes as a man ages. At 52 and with a healthy sex life, I can now enjoy non-sexual touch without feeling an overwhelming need to have sex. I still enjoy sex very much, but now I can also enjoy non-sexual touch on its own, which is very nice. The two things necessary for your husband to get to the same point are growing older and having “enough sex”.

How Much is Enough?

Most men under 35 (and plenty over) would gladly have sex daily or almost daily. However, that doesn’t mean they need daily sex to be satisfied body, heart, and mind! Based on a number of metrics, it is clear the vast majority of men can be satisfied with sex every other day. They could have more, and most would be glad to have more, but it would be a bonus on top of what they feel they need.

The exceptions to this are:

• Young men—certainly anyone in their teens, and many men up to the mid 20s.
• Men who have put their sexuality into overdrive with porn.
• Men who have masturbated a great deal (multiple times a day) for a long period.
• Men who are using sex to fill non-sexual needs.
• Men who use sex as a form of control or to show power/dominance.

Giving him “enough” does not require having full intercourse every other day. A quickie or manual sex will take care of his need for release. However, he does want and need sex for more than release, so this alone will not take care of him. A mixture of these and “full sex” will provide for both his body and the rest of he needs.

The Bottom Line:

He’s not as you are sexually. If you treat him like a woman sexually, he will feel unloved, unheard, and possibly cheated. If you understand who God made him sexually and work to find a sex life that works well for both of you, he will feel loved, heard, and blessed.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and this one is a big deal

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