Why Sex is Such a Big Deal to Him

February 21, 2014

in Uncategorized

Yesterday in her Generous Wife post Sex, Lies and the Pursuit of Truth, my beautify bride said:

I had to really listen to my husband when he said that he wanted to have sex with me for more than just the sex, that he wanted real intimacy. My first reaction was to disbelieve him. Guys just want sex, right? Wrong! Guys are people too. There are some really great guys out there that love their wife and want all kinds of intimacy.

This is the perfect lead in to post I have been working on. I realise some of you want more sex than your husband (which I’ll address another time), but most of you probably want less than he wants, and some of you feel hounded for sex. Here are some truths about men and sex:

Sex is the Gateway to Intimacy

Say intimacy and most men think sex. This is not because sex if the only form of intimacy men understand; it is because sex is an important intimacy gateway for men. Just as most women need good non-sexual intimacy before they want or enjoy sex, most men need good sexual intimacy before they want or enjoy non-sexual intimacy.

For men sex communicates love and acceptance, while a lack of sex communicates the opposite. I realise this is not usually what women are communicating with sex and saying no, but it is what men feel. Even when you convince a man this is not what she means, he will still feel it.

When a man feels a good sexual connection with his wife he starts to want other forms of intimacy. Not tolerate, want. The need was always there, but it is hard to hear over the much louder need for sexual intimacy.

Path to non-sexual intimacy © Dimdimich | Dreamstime.com

His Need for Release

Almost all men say they feel a need for sexual release. Most express is as a vague fullness somewhere in their body – not in the testicles, somewhere inside. Some theorise this is caused by the filling of the seminal vesicles pressing on nerves, but as far as I know it has never definitively been explained. It may have mental and hormonal components in addition to physical. Whatever the cause, it is real, and the only way to end it is ejaculation.

This need starts to build after he has sex, and grows steadily over time. Anything that causes arousal makes the need grow faster. To be honest, this need drives a man to sex, not love-making. If he is in a good relationship with a woman he loves, he wants the sex to be love-making.

The need for release is the force that pushes men to engage in promiscuity or adultery. I am not excusing sin, just explaining a primary force behind many male sex sins. This is also the main reason why men masturbate, and why most men do so far more often than most women do.

An analogy may help here. I enjoy going out and having a meal with my wife. I like the ambiance, the variety, and not having to cook or clean up. I also greatly enjoy my wife’s company. If I had the time and money, I would eat every meal this way. However, if I have been working hard physically and I missed a meal, I want food. At that point, ambiance, variety, and the rest are minor concerns – I just want to stop feeling hungry. When a man goes too long without sex, he is hungry, and his focus is on ending the hunger. When a man has “enough sex” he wants to enjoy long slow sex with his wife, and he is willing to wait for the chance to have good sex rather than having just release now.

Why Can’t He just Snuggle Without Wanting Sex?

Because he loves you, and enjoys your body, and being close to you makes him horny. Let me tell you a secret – there are times when this is annoying for him too. I recall times when I was young when I really wanted to enjoy some non-sexual touch, but I could not because it always caused arousal. In my 20’s the only way to enjoy non-sexual touch was if it followed sex or I knew it would end with sex. At times I hated that!

The good news is this changes as a man ages. At 52 and with a healthy sex life, I can now enjoy non-sexual touch without feeling an overwhelming need to have sex. I still enjoy sex very much, but now I can also enjoy non-sexual touch on its own, which is very nice. The two things necessary for your husband to get to the same point are growing older and having “enough sex”.

Why Does He Poke Me With It?

  1. Having an erection feels good.
  2. Pressing an erection against something feels even better.
  3. Pressing it against the woman you love feels great.
  4. He is letting you know he is aroused in hopes you will want to do something with or for him.

How Much is Enough?

Most men under 35 (and plenty over) would gladly have sex daily or almost daily. However, that does not mean they need daily sex to be satisfied body, heart, and mind. Based on a number of metrics, it is clear the vast majority of men are satisfied with sex every other day. They could have more, and most would be glad to have more, but it would be a bonus on top of what they feel they need.

The exceptions to this are:

  • Young men – certainly anyone in their teens, and many men up to the mid 20’s.
  • Men who have put their sexuality into overdrive with porn.
  • Men who have masturbated a great deal (multiple times a day) for a long period.
  • Men who are using sex to fill non-sexual needs.
  • Men who use sex as a form of control or to show power/dominance.

Giving him “enough” does not require having full intercourse every other day. A quickie or manual sex will take care of his need for release. However, he does want and need sex for more than release, so this alone will not take care of him. A mixture of these and “full sex” will provide for both his body and the rest of he needs.

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Bonnie @ Love, Marriage and Sex February 22, 2014 at 10:41 am

“When a man has “enough sex” he wants to enjoy long slow sex with his wife, and he is willing to wait for the chance to have good sex rather than having just release now.”

I can speak from experience that this is true. When I was refusing my husband he didn’t seem to want to try to do anything to cater to my arousal, but now that we have sex regularly and whenever he (or I) want, he doesn’t seem to even care if he finishes. He says he knows there will be another opportunity in the near future, so he would rather focus on me when he has the opportunity, as it is significantly more difficult for me to finish than him.

I also think that married men should be allowed to masturbate as long as there is no porn or impure thoughts involved. I think it helps with the release factor if the husband has a significantly higher sex drive than his wife (my “young” husband is 28, and I would never deny him a release through masturbation because of my own insecurities).
Bonnie @ Love, Marriage and Sex recently posted…Why Your Sexual Vocabulary Should Never Include the Word “Gross”My Profile

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Paul Byerly February 22, 2014 at 11:42 am

A starvation diet is never good for anyone, while knowing there is always plenty has some very nice results for both husband and wife.

Funny you mentioned masturbation – I wrote on that over at The Generous Husband today – http://bit.ly/1caeykr. I don’t think it is wrong, especially when the spouse knows about it. However, when it is more than a small part of a spouse’s sexual release it usually indicates there is a problem. I think it is far better if the lower drive spouse does it for them, or they do it lying in bed together. Either of these makes it a couple activity, rather than a solo activity.

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