A Different Kind of Sex Challenge

March 21, 2014

in Uncategorized

Various marriage bloggers have done sex challenges, asking couples to try having sex every day for a week, ten days, or even a month. These have their merits, and couples have gained from these challenges, but I see a problem. A week is too little time to learn much, and who is really going to commit to sex every day for a month? So, here is a sex challenge to help you learn about yourself, your spouse, and your marriage without trying to find time to have sex EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

Sex Challenge  Otnaydur | Dreamstime.com

Commit to a frequency greater than you are currently having sex. Make it enough of an increase to stretch you, but not enough to feel undoable. I have mentioned before the vast majority of men feel satisfied having sex every other day, so three or four times a week would be a good number if you feel you can manage it. If not, try something smaller and work up to about every other day.

There are things you and your husband will need to discuss and agree on for this to work.

  1. How do you define “sex”? Must it include intercourse? Can one of you choose not to climax on some occasions?
  2. What is necessary for you to want and enjoy sex? Most women need to feel connected to be sexual. If he is not giving you what you need in other areas of the relationship, more sex will be empty – or worse. If he understands this, he should be more interested in understanding and meeting your needs.
  3. What will you cut out of your schedules to make room for all this? Beyond time for sex when you are both awake, there must be time for the things you need to feel connected. Things like date nights and real conversation requires time. The time needed for more sex is small; the time needed to build a relational foundation for more sex is far greater.

If you and your husband commit to doing this for a month or two you will learn a great deal. Frankly that is the reason you should take this challenge. You will learn about yourself, your husband, and your relationship. What you learn will help you build a better marriage in many ways. Because it is impossible to have a great sex life apart from a great marriage, committing to have a better sex life will challenge both of you to grow your marriage. 

If you want to try this without telling him you are committing to a set frequency, go for it. If you feel you say no too much and want to deal with that, I highly recommend The Forgiven Wife, a blog by a woman who calls herself a former refuser. The post Journey into the Looking Glass, Part 1: Who Do You See? is a good starting place 

I will be doing a similar post on The Generous Husband blog Saturday. I will try to educate men on my second point above, and convince them doing this is both right and wise. Prayers accepted!

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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Bonny March 21, 2014 at 1:08 pm

“The time needed for more sex is small; the time needed to build a relational foundation for more sex is far greater.” The key to improved frequency is right here. You want more sex, help her feel more connected. It’s worth shutting down the PS3 or laptop or iphone. It’s a sacrifice at first, but it snowballs into good stuff.

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Paul Byerly March 22, 2014 at 10:14 am

For some reason a lot of men just cannot get this connection. I suppose it is the “boxes” way of thinking common to men – everything in it’s own separate box. What happened in that box does not affect what happens in this box.

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Chris March 21, 2014 at 9:59 pm

This is a great sex challenge Paul! Simply being intentional about doing more can have a big impact. Thank you for encouraging your readers to visit my blog. When I started this journey, I wasn’t even ready to increase the frequency of our sexual encounters, and other women who struggle with this may find some encouragement. It was all I could do to be fully present mentally. One step at a time, starting where you are and being intentional about reaching out, can change a marriage in wonderful ways.
Chris recently posted…What Will the Kids Think?My Profile

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