Various marriage bloggers have done sex challenges, asking couples to try having sex every day for a week, ten days, or even a month. These have their merits, and couples have gained from these challenges, but I see a problem. A week is too little time to learn much, and who is really going to commit to sex every day for a month? So, here is a sex challenge to help you learn about yourself, your spouse, and your marriage without trying to find time to have sex EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.
Commit to a frequency greater than you are currently having sex. Make it enough of an increase to stretch you, but not enough to feel undoable. I have mentioned before the vast majority of men feel satisfied having sex every other day, so three or four times a week would be a good number if you feel you can manage it. If not, try something smaller and work up to about every other day.
There are things you and your husband will need to discuss and agree on for this to work.
- How do you define “sex”? Must it include intercourse? Can one of you choose not to climax on some occasions?
- What is necessary for you to want and enjoy sex? Most women need to feel connected to be sexual. If he is not giving you what you need in other areas of the relationship, more sex will be empty – or worse. If he understands this, he should be more interested in understanding and meeting your needs.
- What will you cut out of your schedules to make room for all this? Beyond time for sex when you are both awake, there must be time for the things you need to feel connected. Things like date nights and real conversation requires time. The time needed for more sex is small; the time needed to build a relational foundation for more sex is far greater.
If you and your husband commit to doing this for a month or two you will learn a great deal. Frankly that is the reason you should take this challenge. You will learn about yourself, your husband, and your relationship. What you learn will help you build a better marriage in many ways. Because it is impossible to have a great sex life apart from a great marriage, committing to have a better sex life will challenge both of you to grow your marriage.
If you want to try this without telling him you are committing to a set frequency, go for it. If you feel you say no too much and want to deal with that, I highly recommend The Forgiven Wife, a blog by a woman who calls herself a former refuser. The post Journey into the Looking Glass, Part 1: Who Do You See? is a good starting place
I will be doing a similar post on The Generous Husband blog Saturday. I will try to educate men on my second point above, and convince them doing this is both right and wise. Prayers accepted!