Why He Has No Clue You Are Unhappy

April 23, 2014

in Uncategorized

Recently Patty Newbold wrote a great post – If Your Husband is Oblivious to How Unhappy You Are. I can attest to the fact men can be blind to their wife’s unhappiness. I get emails from fellows who have been told by their wife she is filing for a divorce because she just cannot take it anymore. Far too often, the man had no idea she was unhappy, and even now cannot see why.

In some cases, the wife never did a good job of making her frustrations clear, but this is the exception. More often, she was vocal about the problem for a long time, with him doing little or nothing to work on the issues. Eventually she decided he was not going to change, and ongoing complaint was useless. Her husband took the end of complaining as a signal that everything was okay. She then spends years stewing while he is completely oblivious. 

Confused man © artur84 | freedigitalphotos.net

The other thing to remember is he is not as attuned to emotions as you are. This is not just him being difficult, he honestly is not as empathetic as women are. He will miss hints. He will also miss things any woman would get in seconds. Additionally, I think too many issues being brought up overwhelm some men. Whether you do a massive dump all at once, or spill issue after issue over time, he is likely to shut down. Bringing up many issues also allows him to tell himself you can never be pleased, giving him a reason to not even try.

Yes, I understand how maddening this is. I also understand it sounds like an impossible situation. If you want him to hear you, pick a single issue and stay on it. Patty’s post has some other good ideas on dealing with this.

~ Paul – I’m XY… can I buy a clue?

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Anon. April 23, 2014 at 3:31 am

This has hit a nerve with me. Probably God’s perfect timing as I have been debating bringing up an issue one more time, practicing non-accusing, solution oriented ways to address it but in a way he might finally understand (care?) the way this is seriously impacting me and our marriage, thinking of what may be the most opportune time FOR HIM to be receptive to a discussion, etc etc etc etc but am on the verge of just shutting down in an area of great importance in our marriage rather than taking another risk being open and vulnerable and expending a huge amount of emotional energy bringing up a topic of concern one more time– just doesn’t feel worth the effort anymore. I know I will need to shut off a huge part of me and I will be giving up and settling and it will ultimately create a very unfulfilling relationship in the long run. If there is a long run. Why can’t he see?? Yes I love my husband and yes I know he loves me and means the best but can he really be this clueless? This post makes me feel hopeless.

Women seem to be in a no win situation. I think men know they bully women by “joking” and/or outright calling them nags -in relationship, in society, and in the blog world–but then we get blogs, articles, etc like this on how a man doesn’t have the same level of emotional or relational awareness so it is a woman’s responsibility to bring up the relationship issues several times rather than it being man’s responsibility to the health of his marriage to seek understanding , explain his perspective of the issue, and find solutions in the partnership the first time an issue is addressed. As long as he’s feeling connected and things are fine for him and he doesn’t have to discuss anything difficult life is good?

I’m sure this came off as very negative-unfortunately where I am right now and I think I used to be able to rise above much better but I’m wore down right now–hoping this may help you to understand a wife’s perspective better in order to help educate husbands better down the road.

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Paul Byerly April 23, 2014 at 10:44 am

I think the best approach is to write out your frustration, what you would like to change, and the “solution” you will take if nothing changes. Then expound on how your solution will change your marriage for both of you. Let him know you are at the end of your rope and this is your last attempt to fix it before you shut down.

Try to limit how much you talk about your feelings. Use the word “need” to indicate what you must have, and want for what would be nice. Basically, you are giving him a clear picture of the problem, and an idea of how he can work to solve it. You also let him know what will happen if he does nothing, and what that will cost him. He is not likely to respond well to this, but it will give it to him in a format he can understand and process.

Praying for you!

Paul Byerly recently posted…Fight, Flight, or ThinkMy Profile

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tee April 23, 2014 at 12:56 pm

You words are true and moving. Perhaps all we can be is prayerful. I totally feel you. Tee

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tee April 23, 2014 at 10:59 am

This article is extremely accurate. It’s not that a female wants to see or feel everything it’s just the way she was created. It’s not that a man could just care less it’s just the way he was created. There comes a time in every individual life that they have to take responsibility for what they want and strive to achieve that by all means necessary. Men say they want a loving wife—walk the talk (master the responsibilities of a husband and you will get a loving wife). Women say they want a good husband–walk the talk and stop settling for the boys in training. You can identify a man by clearly looking at how he lives, spiritually, physically, financially. Vice versa same for a good woman…I think men have a harder time identifying us. By the way potential should elevate to progress.
Thanks for listening.
Tee

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