Why Your Husband Wants You To Wear Lingerie (But Won’t Tell You)

May 2, 2014

in Uncategorized

Today a Guest post from Daniel Robertson of God’s Help For Marriage. I stumbled across his site a month ago and liked what I saw, and I am happy to introduce him to my readers here.

~ Paul – I’m XY and so is Daniel

Chances are good that if you ask your husband, he’ll tell you he’d like it if you wore lingerie more often.

And yet I’ve heard from women that they don’t really “get” lingerie because it is impractical. You put it on just so he can rip it off a little later? But practicality is one of the last things you should be thinking about when it comes to sex!

Sexy bra © IbanMontero | Dreamstime.com

Men in our culture almost universally find this to be very alluring, and for good reason. I’m sure you already know that men are wired to respond to visual stimuli, but this is only the tip of the iceberg as to why we enjoy seeing our wife in some sexy undergarments. In this post I’d like to explore some of these reasons as well as why he may be reluctant to share this desire with you.

  • The Tantalizing Tease: Lingerie covers up your essential parts, but only just enough to practically force him to pay attention!
  • The Invitation to Exploration: You are offering an invitation for him to discover exactly what you’re hiding under those scraps. Not that he doesn’t already know, of course.
  • Enhancing Your Visual Appeal: If men are so visual, you may be wondering why nude isn’t better? Lingerie enhances your natural beauty the same way makeup and nice clothes do, or the way you use decorations to dress up a house.
  • Opening Up the Playground: Paul already covered why men like to play in the entire playground. Lingerie  opens some new options for play that your husband wouldn’t have, otherwise.
  • Offering Your Body:  Your body is a gift just for your husband, and lingerie is the wrapping that he can choose to rip off in a hungry zeal or carefully peel away with great care.
  • Variety: Exploration, adventure and variety play a big role in men’s sexuality, it is a part of how we are wired. With a number of different sexy outfits, you can offer plenty of exciting variety for him to discover.
  • Show Your Enthusiasm: Finally, lingerie sends a clear message: “Come and take me!”

The common thread running through all of these is that by wearing lingerie you are making yourself available for sex. In fact, you might say that you are actually initiating sex by doing nothing more than wearing something hot and letting him see it!

As much as most men would love to see their wife in lingerie more often, many will not tell her about this desire. There a few reasons why  this may be true of your husband:

  • He’s Shy: He might just have a hard time voicing his desires. This is common in “B type” men like myself.
  • Fear of Rejection: If he’s afraid of being rejected it could be because a history of past rejection, or it could be because he avoids anything that MIGHT result in a rejection even if the history is not there to lead him to expect it.
  • He Doesn’t Want to Pressure You: Most men understand that women have trouble with lingerie due to body image issues or lack of confidence. He may not want to make you feel pressured into doing this for him.
  • He Wants to be Surprised: Most people won’t ask for a gift. If lingerie is the wrapping on the gift of your body, then he won’t want to spoil the surprise by asking for it.

One of the greatest gifts you can give your husband is to offer him something he secretly desires without being asked. Some time soon, try surprising him by slipping into something sexy. Or ask him to go to the lingerie store with you to pick something out together.

Or maybe you can ask him if this is something he wants. Some men do prefer a full birthday suit.

Daniel Robertson is a guest author who teaches Christian couples to build a strong marriage foundation based on Biblical principles. You can learn how to draw your husband out of his emotional shell with this post or you can download my free report “The 7 Pillars of a Godly Marriage” here

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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Anon May 2, 2014 at 2:15 am

Thank you both for this post. I love to shop for and wear lingerie-love to feel sexy and feminine for my man-but realize I have really scaled back on doing so bc my husband never mentions one way or another if he cares that I do -women need appreciation for their efforts too:-) But he also has a really difficult time voicing his desires in this area and in general and is also “B type”, Daniel, so likely why I’m getting the message that it doesn’t matter that much to him. Obviously lingerie leads to the desired outcome in the bedroom :) but I would love it if he’d ask me to shop for something new or surprise him with something sexy tonight or make a request on what he’d like me to wear. I’ve tried to ask his opinion on what he likes me in but he just says I do a good job with it and it’s my department. I would love more posts on the mind of the “B” man please!

Btw, exploration, adventure and variety play a very big role in women’s sexuality also!!!!! I need to be the one surprised with new ideas and adventure within our sex life occasionally instead of just taking on that responsibility myself!! How can I encourage my more shy husband to think and plan about this for us?

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Daniel May 2, 2014 at 6:10 am

Thanks for the comment.

I think talking about sex and sexual things can be really difficult for a lot of “B” guys, so some loving encouragement can go a long way. I think the best way is to be upfront about your desires in a way that is both gentle and insistent, if that makes any sense?

We are prone to withdrawing, especially when met with something that looks like a challenge or criticism, but at the same time it is important to let him know of your desires.

Also keep in mind that if he does withdraw, it might look like he’s shutting you out when he may just need to take time to process what you are saying.

Hope that helps.
Daniel recently posted…Survey: How to Keep Romance Alive in Marriage?My Profile

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Anon May 2, 2014 at 10:45 am

Yes! This sounds like my husband. Thank you for your perspective Daniel. He is sensitive to perceived criticism to the point I have kept things inside rather than risk saying them in the “wrong” way and hurting him. And yes he can shut down easily :-( –but usually will come back in his own time w a change made or action taken. I’m not sure this makes for a healthy relationship though-I often do not get to hear his thoughts on a subject or have an exchange with him on our individual perspectives and he doesn’t question my thoughts to come to a deeper understanding of me, clarify, etc. Will he tell me if something bothers him or will he keep it inside?

Talking about sex and our sexual relationship is very difficult for him and one-sided when I want to talk about it. I give him acceptance, respect for his individuality, and a loving space to talk. I want to be able to talk together about our sexual hopes, desires, needs, dreams and I feel like we should as husband and wife walking through life together -at least make steps forward in getting him more comfortable in this area–and I still hope to have that in my lifetime.

I am a more straight forward person but am learning to take a more gentle approach with him :-) Can you clarify what you mean by the “and insistent”? I do think I let too much go now that is important to me. Could you please give an example of a conversation that might be effective to try? Are there things I can do or say that would make opening up more comfortable for him?

Thank you again for your help Daniel.

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Daniel Robertson May 2, 2014 at 10:56 am

By insistent I mostly mean keep gentle pressure on it from time to time. Sometimes it might also mean being a little more foreceful with your words if it’s something that you’ve brought up but haven’t noticed much of a change. Maybe the gentle pressure is too gentle and he’s not realizing how important it is to you because of that, so a little more bluntness could help?

Maybe you could say something like this: “It would really like to go lingerie shopping, it would help me feel sexy and it would help me to know what gets you going. Can we do that?”

Notice that I added “Can we do that?” because it turns it into a direct request instead of something he might take as a passing statement.
Daniel Robertson recently posted…Survey: How to Keep Romance Alive in Marriage?My Profile

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Anon May 2, 2014 at 11:09 am

This is good! Thank you for the example and the added direct request-very helpful. I really do appreciate your male B perspective-I haven’t come across this in Christian resources before.

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David May 3, 2014 at 3:18 am

My wife always buys v nice v expensive bras, but always v cheap dull knickers. To be fair, she has fantastic breasts. But she also has a very good hourglass figure. She is perhaps a little self-concerned that her hips might be on the generous side (I am quite happy with slightly generous hips!).

Anyway, once I asked, very temtatively, why she didn’t buy matching knickers to the expensive bras, or spend money on knickers generally.

She went absolutely ballistic. Long long rant.

Never again.

David
David recently posted…Who am I and why am I here?My Profile

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Bonnie @ Love, Marriage and Sex May 4, 2014 at 4:06 pm

I am also of the opinion that lingerie is beneficial for the women wearing it as well. Makes me look great, feel sexy, consciously think about sex, want to get undressed? Sign me up!
Bonnie @ Love, Marriage and Sex recently posted…Is Everything Permissible?My Profile

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Paul Byerly May 4, 2014 at 9:54 pm

A late thanks to Daniel for his post, and for being on the comments as I was out of town.
Paul Byerly recently posted…No One Wins a War of the SexesMy Profile

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Daniel Robertson May 7, 2014 at 10:51 am

Thanks Paul for running this guest post.
Daniel Robertson recently posted…27 Ways to Keep the Romance Alive in MarriageMy Profile

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Charlie O July 17, 2015 at 10:56 am

The female form is especially well-adapter (God’s plan) to being morphed. Lingerie gives a man many women in the same wife. Don’t be offended by this, ladies; it is God’s gift to you, as well. It enables your to be extremely fascinating. In his book, “Letters to Karen,” Dr. Shedd says that a couple should never financially skimp on lingerie. Many women find that wearing such garments is arousing to themselves as well as to their husbands.

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