What Makes you Feel Loved?

May 19, 2014

in Uncategorized

If you don’t feel your husband loves you, your marriage can’t be healthy. Thing is, his loving you and you feeling loved may not go hand in hand. Ultimately, what you feel is what matters.

If you do not feel loved, saying, “I do not feel loved” is better than “You do not love me.” If he does love you, saying he does not becomes a point of conflict. Conflict is not a good way to encourage him to show love in the way(s) you need.

Feeling loved © photostock | freedigitalphotos.net

Tell him you do not feel loved, and then tell him what would make you feel loved. Give him a challenge and see what he does with it.

I will be doing a post next week on the Generous Husband designed to help men understand what makes women feel loved. You can help me with that by sharing what makes you feel loved in this anonymous survey.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want to know how to make my lady feel loved!

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Chris May 19, 2014 at 1:51 pm

I can’t decide what I think here, Paul. I think I mostly agree with you.

I agree that my husband should be trying to express his love in ways that make it easier for me to feel loved. I am one who used to say “you don’t love me” quite a bit, and it always hurt my husband.

Now I make an effort to see the things that he does that I know are expressions of love from him. Then when I do talk about my feelings and ask him for certain things, I can begin by acknowledging the things that he sees as love. When he knows that I see what he does, we avoid that “you don’t love me” point of conflict.

However, I do have a couple reservations.

First, just as you say that “his loving you and you feeling loved may not go hand in hand,” I would add that knowing I am loved and feeling I am loved don’t always go hand in hand, either. I frequently observe my husband being loving to me, and those observations help me know, in my mind, that he loves me. But sometimes, those actions just don’t reach my heart–which leads to my second reservation, which is that my husband is not responsible for how I feel; I am.

No matter what he knows about making me feel loved and no matter what he does, at the end of the day, I still might not be feeling it–and that’s on my shoulders, not on his.
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Paul Byerly May 19, 2014 at 2:45 pm

I hear what you are saying. It can be either, or both.
So would you agree with: His part is to do his best to love you in a way you can hear/feel, and your part is to try to see his intent even when you do not feel it.
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Chris May 20, 2014 at 9:13 am

Yes, that works for me.
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IntimacySeeker May 20, 2014 at 2:53 am

My experience is similar to what Chris articulates. I know I am loved but that is not the same as feeling loved. And I agree that I bear some responsibility for my feelings, but it would benefit my marriage significantly if I could tell my husband what he might do to help me feel loved.
When I learned that sex helped my husband feel loved, respected, accepted, appreciated, etc., I was on it like a fly on honey. He reports that he feels incredibly loved and all facets of his life are improved 100% because of my attitude change.
Problem is, I am stumped as to what would make this kind of difference for me. I was raised to measure my value and worth based on my accomplishments and achievements. Hence, I’ve always been more about feeling valued and respected than about feeling loved.
Thanks for the challenge, Paul. I look forward to seeing the survey results.

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Paul Byerly May 22, 2014 at 7:28 pm

I guess I don’t feel so bad about not having this down if women also struggle with it. Praying we will all learn something here!

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Dan June 5, 2014 at 7:18 am

“I know I am loved but that is not the same as feeling loved.” I had never heard this expressed until now. That’s quite a dilemma. I have always thought if a person knew they were loved, they would FEEL loved. It is on your shoulder to some degree of course, but it does help if the other people in your life know how to help you FEEL loved.

“Problem is, I am stumped as to what would make this kind of difference for me.” At least you realize it isn’t all about them and feel they aren’t trying hard enough. I think most of us show love to another in a way that makes US feel loved and not what works for them, thus The 5 Love Language I suppose. Here’s a technique that may work. Instead of asking yourself what will make me feel loved, trying asking “Why don’t I feel loved?” Maybe knowing WHY you don’t will be a back door way into finding what is missing and can be done to fill that void. I just finished a post on making your husband feel you want him sexually. I now suspect after reading your comment and writing my reply I wrote it, to some degree at least, from a place of my own wanting and what I feel is missing for me. It’s a tough place when you know a problem exists but can’t affect a solution and you are really the only one who can.
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Paul Byerly June 5, 2014 at 9:47 am

If I know you did not mean to hurt me (physically or emotionally) but you did hurt me, my knowledge does not change my experaince. I am less likely to be mad, but I am still hurt. Knowing she is loved and feeling it is the same way.
Sex would certainly be the same.
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edl October 24, 2014 at 9:59 am

This is something I struggle with. I know my husband loves me and has a great deal of affection for me, but I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel like he is *in* love with me.

A lot of it is …. I just don’t feel like he wants me around. Nine days out of ten, he doesn’t want to talk to me at all after work. Doesn’t want me in there watching TV with him. Doesn’t want to eat dinner with me or go to bed at the same time…. We seldom have sex (3 times a month, but we’ve only been married a year). I am an interruption to his life.

I came home from a business trip last night. It wasn’t too late, before 10:30, but my husband was already in bed asleep, which bothered me — and I suddenly realized, I wasn’t upset because he wasn’t awake to welcome me home (although I was kinda). It was because on a normal night, he doesn’t go to sleep until midnight or 1am — he stays in the living room watching TV away from me.

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Paul Byerly October 24, 2014 at 12:27 pm

Very disheartening – so sorry.
I would guess this is about him, now he grew up, how he has lived. It sounds like he does not know how to include another person in his life.
Is he an introvert? My son is a strong introvert, and he sometimes needed to just get away from EVERYONE for a while. If your husband is this way, he needs some alone time. But you need time with him too. Finding a solution will require both of you being willing to bend a bit.

You have my prayers!
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