A couple days ago, I asked you if your husband is good willed. I also said being good willed is an across the board thing – either he is or he is not. I would say that includes how he approaches sex – he cannot be good willed in general but not good willed about sex.
I suspect a good many women would disagree with me on this. I think the reason is something else I said – “areas where he does not seem good willed are not intentional. In those areas he must be clueless, wounded, or both.”
- No matter what you and other women say, his friends and most other men agree with him about sex. So, while he has heard what is true for you, he has what he sees as good reasons to reject it.
- Even if he has not seen much porn, he is surrounded by those who have. He lives in a society steeped in twisted, perverted sexuality. Because of this, he has no way of seeing how far he is from what God intended.
- His natural God given urges are blended with any less than normal desires he has learned. He may see the two as the same.
- He is not a woman. He does not have a woman’s mind, a woman’s emotions, or a woman’s body. What is natural for you is not natural for him.
- Porn hurts men just as much as it hurts women. His natural desires have been pushed out of the way, meaning he cannot feel what he should and cannot enjoy as he should.
- He had various sexual frustrations and problems growing up, and likely still hurts from those.
- He probably has had sexual frustrations with you, and regardless of who is “at fault”, this has hurt him.
Is the Ball in Your Court?
Unless you want more sex than your husband does (which is the case for 15% to 25% of wives), he sees you as the gatekeeper of sex in your marriage. As ugly as it sounds, if you choose when sex occurs and what happens, he is technically correct. Because of this, he thinks he has no power to change things. While this is not accurate, it does give you the power to make changes.
It is common for a wife to reject much of what her husband wants because some of it is over top. I suspect women resist because they fear if they giving him an inch he will take a mile. However, rejecting something reasonable makes you look unreasonable, and confirms his suspicions about you. Resisting everything he suggests will not cause him to calm down; it will actually have the opposite effect. Being willing to go along with anything shows you are not closed to change and growth.
He Wants You to Enjoy Sex
You may doubt it, but if he is good willed he wants sex to be good for you. Not only does he want it because he cares about you, he wants it because your enjoyment makes sex better for him. Because of this, saying “I think I would enjoy sex more if _____” will get his full attention. You can do the same thing by saying “I really liked it when you _______”.
What I am suggesting here is you stop playing defence. Tell him how you want your sex life to change, and let him work on it. Give him some positive feedback when he does well, and keep nudging him.
Figure it Out Together
Odds are neither of you understands what a healthy, godly sex life should be. Fortunately, you can get there from where you are. Be fast to express your desires, and slow to call his desires wrong. Work on “can we try it this way” rather than “no way.” Stop taking his cluelessness and wounding personally, focusing instead on the fact he is a good willed man. Together you can discover something wonderful.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife has taught me so much about great sex.