This post is a bit different. While I will touch on your husband some, my goal here is to help you see you are “normal”, not broken, or defective.
As I read the results of a couple of our recent surveys, (Female Orgasm During Intercourse and Multiple Orgasms) I realised once again how messed up we are about sex. Porn and society have so skewed our understanding we tend to see normal people as broken. Because we do not usually talk openly about sex, especially in Christian circles, we have no way of knowing what is normal for real individuals and couples. As a result, women with normal sex organs think they are “deformed” and women with normal sexual desire and function think they are defective. Men are similarly confused, both about their own sexuality and that of women.
My goal here is to give you a base line, with our surveys to back me up. Based on other surveys we have done we know most of our respondents are mostly Christian, and as a group more serious about their faith than the average church goer. We also know the women are more sex positive than Christian women are in general. Based on those facts, I would say the women in our survey are “above average”.
Intercourse Alone Usually Not Enough
A third of the women in our survey have never had an orgasm during intercourse without some added stimulation. Another 29% have only done so only a few times. Climax from intercourse alone was the norm (at least 60% of the time) for only one woman in six.
Bottom Line: Most women cannot climax from intercourse alone.
Add Something Clitoral
Adding clitoral stimulation (her hand, his hand, or a vibrator) to intercourse improves things greatly. Eight-nine percent of women have climaxed this way, and just over half can do so at least 60% of the time they have intercourse.
Bottom Line : Needing a bit more than thrusting is normal.
Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady?
Most men who care at all about their wife sexually would like her to climax repeatedly every time they have sex. Based on everything I have read, including our surveys, this is an individual preference issue for women. Some women find it easy, some find it difficult, and some have never done it. What’s more, some who can say they would rather not. As one woman said, “I feel totally and completely fulfilled after one — and at that point not interested at all in pursuing another.” On the other hand, another woman said, “I have never had less than 2 orgasms in our entire marriage.” Some women say going for more than one takes away from sex, while others would feel cheated with only one. Some women who do have multiples feel like it on some occasions but not others. Some can have multiples sometimes, but not other times, and have no idea why.
Bottom Line: Every woman is different on this, and whatever you want is right and normal for you.
Sex? Sure. Orgasm? Not Tonight.
Most women have times when they want to have sex, or are willing to have sex, but do not want to orgasm. Men do not understand this, but most can learn to accept and respect it. In our survey on this, 22% of women said they want to orgasm every time they have sex. Another 35% said they want to climax at least 90% of the time. Only 10% wanted to orgasm 50% or less of the time.
Bottom Line: Being sometimes satisfied with no climax sex is a normal thing for most women.
You Are Unique
Female sexuality is not one-size-fits-all. The range of orgasmic experience in men is narrow, both from one time to the next and from one man to another. For women the range is much greater, from time to time and woman to woman. If your husband had sex with another woman before you, he will be confused because you will be different. If he expects you to be the same today as you were last week, he will be confused. Some of your sexual responses can change, some cannot. Some could change but should not.
For some reason God made female sexuality less uniform than male sexuality. For women “normal sexuality” is a wide continuum, not a bull’s eye. My suggestion is to stop worrying about what other women want, feel, and enjoy. Focus on your desires and your body; learn to receive sexual pleasure from your husband, and give him the same.
Bottom Line: There is nothing wrong with you. God made you unique and wonderful. Society wants to push you into something you are not… please fight back!
The Variations are Physical Too
No two women look alike. This is true for both faces and vulvas. The variation is genitals is actually very wide. Unfortunately, porn has led to the idea of the “perfect vulva”. Even worse, no adult woman naturally looks like the supposed ideal. Surgery to try to look like the ideal is increasingly common. My wonderful wife addressed this a while ago in her Don’t Do It! post.
By the way, recent research is suggesting physical differences can affect a woman’s sexual function. The ability to orgasm from intercourse with no added clitoral stimulation seems related to the distance between the vagina and the clitoris. Differences in the size, placement, or sensitivity of the G-Spot are likely why some woman climax from certain positions (rear entry in particular) while other women do not.
Bottom Line: Learn to love and enjoy what you have, and encourage your husband to do the same. In my experience, men do not care what their wife’s genitals look like – they just want to enjoy them. He wants sex to be great for you, and if you guide him, he will likely be an eager student.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I really like my XX gal!