Because He Saw it in Porn?

July 11, 2014

in Uncategorized

You are shopping with your child, and s/he expresses a desire for “Air Puffed Chocolate Sugar Orbs”, a new cereal. You say no, and your child has a full-scale meltdown right there in the store.

You child’s desire for food is normal, as is their craving for sugar. What is not normal is the extreme desire for a cereal they have never even tasted. The extreme desire comes from commercials telling your child Air Puffed Chocolate Sugar Orbs is the best cereal ever invented. Everyone is eating it, and only a horrible parent would deny their child this gastronomical delight.

Man with porn on computer © Czuber | Dreamstime.com

You see where I am going here, right? Your husband wants all manner of sex acts. “You want that because you saw it in porn” may sound right to you, but it is not. God gave him a strong sex desire. God also gave him a sexual curiosity capable of dreaming up sex acts all on his own. What porn gave him was an extreme desire for “the greatest sex acts ever invented”. Everyone is doing them, and only a horrible wife would deny her husband these orgasmic delights.

You should know from what I said yesterday that I get how harmful porn is. I am not going to tell you your husband’s porn use is no big deal, and I am not going to tell you to “just get over it”. He needs to own what he did, and he needs to understand how much he hurt you, your marriage, and your sex life. However, if you remove from your sex life everything he has ever seen in porn, you can never have any kind of sex ever again. If you are willing to engage in some sex acts he saw in porn, then “You saw it in porn” is not a fair reason to reject other sex acts.

That said, “Seeing it in porn has made you want it so much you scare me” is a perfectly valid reason to say no. Saying no to his porn fueled blind lust is far different from saying no to an act plenty of women are willing to do, enjoy, or crave. Just be clear what you are saying no to and why. Help him understand the problem is his attitude is still twisted by porn. Explain you will be far more open to try new things when you are more than a female body he can use to try something new.

Of course, this assumes you would be willing to try new things if he got past his porn fed attitude. If this is not the case, ask yourself why and figure out what is feeding your attitude. God created sex to be a blessing for husband and wife, to be enjoyed physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you do not feel this is true, then your ideas about sex may be as far from God’s ideal as your husband’s. Just as you need him to deal with the lies he believes, he needs you to deal with any lies you believe.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I REALLY hate porn! 

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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Chris July 11, 2014 at 9:31 am

Although my husband did not have a porn addiction, he did use porn at times when I was refusing him. After that, there were times when he would do something or ask for something that had never been part of our sex life before–and when I asked, he admitted that he’d seen it in porn. Each time, I had to make a choice: Do I reject it because of where he was first aroused by the idea, or do I accept it because it is something he wants to experience with me?

I had to decide whether to love my husband despite his sin or condemn our sex life because of it.
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Paul Byerly July 11, 2014 at 10:59 am

Lover your last sentence! I think that really is the choice. Not just in this, but in much of marriage. Making someone “pay for their sin” always limits the marriage. I saw a great quote on this recently: “Placing blame in marriage is like saying, “Your side of the boat is sinking.” Think about it. ”
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Dan July 16, 2014 at 9:54 pm

If you are set on making someone pay for their sin, whether they are the husband or wife, you need to step back into your prayer closet and start praying for a new Christ-like attitude. There is no room for revenge in a marriage. That is not the relationship Christ has with his church which is what marriage is supposed to represent. To accept the forgiving grace of God through Christ, but not extend it to your brother or sister is cutting of your nose to spite your face. You cannot freely receive what you do not freely give. Not only can you not receive it, it will not be offered to you.
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