Any Price for Peace

August 4, 2014

in Uncategorized

Most men want peace in their homes. He has no problem fighting things out at work, but when he gets home, he wants to have peace. Because of this, many men put up with things they dislike, or do things they do not want to do. Not out of love, but out of a desperate need to have peace in their home.

Man wanting peace and quiet © Signorina | Dreamstime.com

When this happens in small ways, it is not a problem. When it happens in bigger ways, it can destroy his love for you. If he keeps giving up parts of his soul to get peace, one day he will find he has nothing left. He feels empty, and he has nothing with which to buy peace. This can lead to depression, anger, or just walking away without warning. More often, it leads to withdrawing from the marriage.

Please do not hear an accusation in this. Most women living with this have no idea it is happening. I tell you this so you can look for it in your marriage. Do not think, “Oh my husband is not that way” – I have seen it in men from whom you would never expect it.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and a peaceful home is an awesome thing.

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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Anon. August 4, 2014 at 9:25 am

I’m inferring that men would rather withdraw (which I think would push a lot of buttons in most wives and may exacerbate the situation) and walk away from their marriage than learn to communicate their needs and desires …? I know it happens everyday but it’s sad that both husbands and wives can be living in unhappy silence until they blindside their spouse w an affair or divorce papers.

I pray I’m a wife who creates a safe haven for communication, a peaceful home, keeps an open heart to my husband and that we both have courage to be vulnerable to each other with our needs, desires and experiences in the marriage!

Any advice on how to check in with my husband and get him to open up about this?

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Paul Byerly August 4, 2014 at 1:17 pm

Most men would not see withdrawing as walking away, but yes, you are correct. Beyond the issue of peace, they may feel unable to do what is needed.

The flip side of this is the need to have real communication – which is going to mean times of turmoil. So the issue is learning when and how to bring up things, and how to drop them and give him time to think about them. This varies from man to man, and will change based on what else is going on in his life. A discussion about that balance is good.

Some men will give an honest answer, while others will give an answer designed to keep the peace. If you make it clear you are looking for an answer, not a long discussion, that might help. Something like “On a scale of 1 to 10 how well do I do at giving you the peace you need” might give you some idea where things are. Then ask him to think and get back to you with some ways you could improve things. Be ready to say something if what he wants cuts out too much communication or otherwise limits you beyond what is reasonable.
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John August 5, 2014 at 5:54 pm

I’ve withdrawn, and its not because I’d rather do that than “learn to communicate their needs and desires”. I’ve done that – and had it rejected and turned against me each and every time, which just leads to fights anyways. So I haven’t withdrawn – I’ve given up. I surrender.

I’ve discovered that life is just too damn short to keep fighting with someone who won’t compromise, who won’t change, who won’t seek counseling, and who won’t even try. Its just not worth the fight anymore.

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Paul Byerly August 6, 2014 at 10:17 am

I get that, and you are not alone. There is an important message in your words..
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Anon August 6, 2014 at 3:54 pm

Agreed. Also, with kids involved sometimes it’s better to just wait for change. It may come at some point. Even if it doesn’t it’s not helpful for them to have a steady stream of unresolved conflict because one person is unwilling to move. Not everything can be fixed. Sometimes people are content in their wrong behavior. It’s really between them and God.

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Jenny August 5, 2014 at 7:55 am

God has been speaking this message to me lately, a peaceful home may be more important than a competitive, prosperous one. Thank you, Paul.
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Paul Byerly August 6, 2014 at 10:15 am

As with most things it is about finding the right balance – and that balance will change as circumstances change.
Praying God gives you and your husband a clear understanding of what is right for your current circumstances.
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