If you are regularly blowing his mind, you can skip this. If you want more and he is unwilling, I am deeply sorry. For the rest of you…
What if he really needs as much sex as he says he needs?
First, we must define what I mean by “need”. I know no one has ever died from a lack of sex. I know life will go on. No one ever died from a lack of being told I love you, or from never getting a date night, or from never receiving gifts. However, marriages do die from a lack of all those things, including a lack of sex.
For most men, sex says, “I love you” in a special and unique way. Nothing can take its place. Often saying no to sex communicates, “I neither love nor respect you”. If you want him to think you love him, have sex with him. If you want him to question your love, hold back. You can dislike this as much as you want, but it is a reality you cannot change because it is hard wired into his male brain.
Beyond this, he needs sex to connect with you. You want to connect emotionally before you have sex, which is how God made you. He connects emotionally by having sex, which is how God made him. I am not saying he cannot make an emotional connection without sex, but sex makes a deeper emotional connection possible. He needs a solid emotional connection with you, and sex is a necessary part of making it happen.
Finally, he has a physical need. In a recent poll, we ran on which sex acts men find most pleasurable, men rated masturbation (doing it themselves) as the least physically pleasurable. Yet, 80% of men masturbate in any given month, and overall it was the second most common way men reached climax. They are not doing it because they enjoy it; they are doing it because they feel they must.
I know there are many voices telling wives to have more sex. I hate being one more in that group, but this is a major marriage issue, and I cannot in good conscience ignore it. I hope you can accept this is a need, and ignoring it is destructive to marriage.
If you are looking for more information on this topic, I highly recommend Chris’ blog The Forgiven Wife.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve lived both the good and bad of this one.