A recent TMB survey asked people if their married sex lives include activities they think are sinful. Fifteen percent of the men and 28% of the women said yes! An additional 2% of men and 14% of women indicated they are doing something they think might be sinful. That means four women in ten are compromising their beliefs sexually. Such compromise was more common for younger women; women under 25 were twice as likely as women over 45 to say they were doing something sinful.
The most common reason for women to keep doing what they think is wrong was enjoying it too much to stop. Pressure from her husband, or knowing he really likes the act, were also common reasons, and 13% of women fear sex will not work if they stop engaging in the act.
My concern here is twofold. Engaging in sex acts you find sinful is bad for you both spiritually and sexually. It hurts your relationship with God, it hurts your sexual relationship, it hurts your marriage, and it hurts your relationship with your husband. It seems a steep price to pay for a bit of sexual pleasure or to avoiding arguing about sex with your man.
My suggested solution:
- First, STOP doing what you think it wrong. Based on Romans 14:23, it is wrong for you to do something even if you are just unsure about it.
- Second, work with your husband to decide what is and is not sinful for a married couple to do sexually.
I realise your husband will not be happy about you announcing you will no longer be doing whatever. Let him know it is not about him, it is about you being unsure what is acceptable. Tell him this is not about having less sex; it is about figuring out how to have sex. Following that up by seducing him then and there would be a good plan.
As for figuring out what is “allowed” I suggest our article What’s Okay, What’s Not, as a starting place. We discuss various acts, giving relevant scriptures and health information. The article is not intended to tell you what is right for your marriage bed, but rather to help you and your husband make those decisions for your marriage. Make a list, study and pray, cross off what is wrong or suspect, and then have fun with the rest.
If your husband is reluctant to engage in this re-examination, explain to him that doing things you feel might be wrong is hurting your sexuality. Tell him you fear you will start to lose interest in sex, or even grow to dread it if you keep going as you have been. Tell him you want to enjoy sex with him as fully as possible, but doing so requires you to feel good about all the things you are doing sexually. Then throw yourself into the exercise and honestly examine what you have believed. Be ready to both retire what is sin and pick up things you have avoided which you decide is not wrong. If you both work at this, your sex life will be better for both of you when you are done.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I can’t enjoy if it is costing her.