If YOU Want More Sex

October 3, 2014

in Uncategorized

Depending on the study you use, 20% to 25% of married women want more sex than they are having – because their husband is refusing them.

Sexually frustrated wife © Georgii Dolgykh | Dreamstime.com 

If you find yourself in this group, you are no doubt tired of seeing posts telling women to “have more sex” or “stop gatekeeping”.

Lori and I have heard from many sexually frustrated wives over the years, and I believe it hurts them every bit as much as it hurts men. The physical frustration may (or may not) be less, but the mental and emotional turmoil is the same. How can a man who says he loves you keep refusing something you need which only he is supposed to provide? 

While there is not enough data to prove it, it seems likely this is a growing problem. No doubt, there have always been marriages where the wife had the higher drive, but it seems increasingly common. I would guess this is due to both healthier sex drives among women and less interest in partner sex by men. I say “partner sex” because one common reason men say no to their wives is they are taking care if it themselves.

Solving this problem requires finding out why his drive or interest is low. Asking him this is about like asking why he is not a real man – not a fun conversation for anyone. If you can start with a completely non-condemning attitude, it will help. He will be more likely to confess a sin or problems if he feels he will not get shamed or beat up. 

I would start by giving him a very clear statement about the problem as you see it. Tell him you need to have sex with him more often. Tell him the lack of sex hurts you on multiple levels, and is hurting your relationship with him. Give him some idea how often you think sex should happen. Do NOT downplay this number, be brutally honest with him.

Once you have established the problem, start looking for the cause. One thing to ask is how often he masturbates. Notice I did not say ask him if he does it, ask him how often he does it. The vast majority of married men masturbate at least occasionally. Asking him how often tells him you expect him to say he does, which may lessen his reluctance. If he says never he may be telling the truth, but odds are, he is not. If he gives you a number, he is likely fudging it. If he admits to any masturbation, ask him what it would take to make it so you can take care of him 100% of the time. Please note masturbation does not necessarily  mean he is using porn.

There are many other possible causes of low sex drive or interest. We have an article on this over on The Marriage Bed – Spouse Won’t Have Sex. Work with your husband to find out why, and then work on ways to change things. As you are the one looking for change, you will probably need to do more than he to achieve success. (I am not saying that is right, just reality.) Be ready to change time of day, or do a bit of work to get him aroused. Check out How to Get Him to Want Sex for some ideas on getting him turned on, but realise this will only help if he is willing.

And finally, to get the comments hopping, if he keeps refusing to give you what you need, is it okay to take care of it yourself? Some women (and men too) say this is not what they want, and some say it just makes them more angry about the whole situation. Others say it does help on various levels, including not being as mad at their spouse. The Bible says nothing about masturbation (I know some disagree) so I do not see it as a sin issue apart from what one thinks about as they do it. I do think your spouse is supposed to be there for you, so it seems fair to let them know your need has reached the point where you will do it if they do not.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m sorry if you are in this situation.

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

libl October 3, 2014 at 5:55 pm

My husband refused me for years because he said I take too long to please. He hated that I wanted him to take care of me. He felt that I should contribute more to my own pleasure. We argued, discussed, worked things out and now we have sex more regularly. However, due to the stress and distrust of the refusal and the arguing, I have lost interest in sex for the most part. The effort I have to put forth is a tipped scale and my emotions are still worn down. I don’t refuse, but I don’t feel much like initiating anymore. Besides, 90% of what I would like in bed is still refused and argued about. Only vanilla is allowed, apparently.

During the refusal, hubby told me he wished I would masturbate and leave him alone. He was content with both of us masturbating in secret.

I don’t think threat of masturbation should be used at all. I think boundary of finding help is best. If he repeatedly refuses and especially if he is taking matters into his own hands instead of with you, then help is needed if confrontation doesn’t work.

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Paul Byerly October 4, 2014 at 10:25 am

I did not mean masturbation as a threat. If someone feels it is their only option, I think they owe it to their spouse to let them know that is where they are.

I do agree we need to keep pressing for change. Masturbation can be a problem if it takes away the motivation to push for change. On the other hand, it can bring some calm and make it easier to push for change without anger.

Personally, sex with my wife and masturbation are radically different. Masturbation is not a poor substitute, it is a poor substitute for a small part of the whole. I know there are those who find the two very similar, which I just do not get.
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Dan October 4, 2014 at 11:45 am

“Masturbation is not a poor substitute, it is a poor substitute for a small part of the whole. I know there are those who find the two very similar, which I just do not get.”

So you would be saying that masturbation is not a poor substitute on the whole when a lack of adequate partner sexual release is problematic? And further that the area in which it could be accurately deemed a “poor” substitute is in that it does not foster connection with the spouse and may also further lower desire or libido when abused as a substitute thus exacerbating the seeking out or application of a more effective solution that would work to strengthen the relationship between spouses instead of increase the disconnect and distance between them?

If so, I agree. Do I get it? Is there more I have missed? Excellent post, Paul.
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Paul Byerly October 5, 2014 at 1:25 pm

It can reduce the drive of the higher drive spouse, which is the only thing pushing the couple to have sex they need to have as a couple. If it leads to less sex, it hurts the couple, and it can also further reduce the desire of the one with low desire to start with.

Personally I have had a problem with this, even when we were having sex infrequently. On every level, INCLUDING physical, I find sex with my wife far, far better. I’d rather have sex with her once a week than masturbate daily. There was no temptation to replace what I wanted with her with doing it myself. I did masturbate on rare occasion. Always with her knowledge, and often at her suggestion. For me it was a matter of physical discomfort and a level of frustration which was bad for both of us. I did, however, find “having to do it myself” left me feeling more upset with her than not doing it. Finding the best place between all of these was tricky.
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Dan October 11, 2014 at 10:31 pm

I would actually prefer my wife to be present and watching if she were not in the mood. I believe I would find it more stimulating and exciting as well as more satisfying because we would still be connecting in some way. Does that make sense to you, not that it needs to for me to feel good about it? MY normal is just that: MINE. I do understand the obvious argument of “If she is there anyway, why can’t she at least lend a hand.” That’s a fair point, but, being truthful, there is always the possibility that she may enjoy watching me masturbate in the same way I would her.
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Paul Byerly October 12, 2014 at 8:58 pm

I think it is a better option, if it is open. There are a few situations where it may be all she is able to do physically, and others were it all she is up to mentally or emotionally.
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