5 Things I Wish Someone had told my Wife about Male Sexuality

October 10, 2014

in Uncategorized

Couple in bed © Wavebreakmediamicro | Dreamstime.com

Over on One Flesh Marriage, our friend Kate did a great post entitled 5 Things I Wish Someone had told me about Sex. It was such a great idea I am stealing it. My Generous Husband post for tomorrow will be 5 Things I Wish Someone had told me about Female Sexuality. Along the same lines, here are things I wish my wife had known about male sexuality before we married.

  1. Erections are not a barometer: An erection does not mean a man wants sex. Not having an erection does not mean a man does not want to have sex. How fast a man gets an erection in any situation depends on his physical state (how tired he is, how hard he has worked physically) and his mental state (both his relationship with you and his day in general.) These same things also affect how hard he gets. His mind and body are not always in sync sexually – kind of like your mind and body.
  2. Enough is not always enough: Men tend to think of “enough sex” in terms of quieting the physical demand. He may think if you take care of his physical need it is unfair to ask for any more. I’ll let you in on a secret – the best sex a man has is sex he did not “need” physically. 
  3. Wanting to try something different is not a complaint: The fact he can think up new ways to enjoy sex with you says nothing about how he feels about what you currently do. When you enjoy something, you want more of the same, and you want to try new ways.
  4. Sometimes it does have a mind of its own: From before he had any idea what sex was his penis has caused him problems. It got hard for no reason, and would not go back to normal fast enough. When he hit puberty this became a real problem as it happened far more often and in public. His penis can also refuse to become hard when he wants an erection. Sometimes he climaxes very rapidly, for no apparent reason, and other times it takes longer than he thinks it should. I realise these things seem minor given all the ways your body betrays you, but to your husband these are a big deal and potentially rather embarrassing. 
  5. Men are visual: You have heard this, but do you really understand it? He wants to see you naked. Not just without clothes, fully naked and exposed. He wants to see and explore your most sexual parts. Sex in the dark is far less enjoyable for him than sex in the light, and if he never sees you naked, he will not be sexually satisfied no matter how often you have sex together. If you really understand this, and understand how hot he thinks you are, you can rock his world.

Feel free to join the comments on Saturday’s TGH post and tell men what you think they need to know about female sexuality. This link will take you there.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I was so clueless about female sexuality when I got married.

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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Karen October 10, 2014 at 2:10 pm

#5, have heard it enough times, he doesn’t see me nude because of this vary thing! I’ve seen what he has looked at and have been betrayed (not just by him) to know I’ll never measure up. So why would I embarrass myself? Why did he or others like him bother getting married if others they seek? So how can this be true?

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Gary October 13, 2014 at 2:49 pm

Karen – I understand your pain but I want to assure you that you are very wrong about your husband. Just because he has looked at porn DOES NOT mean that he measures you by that! Most men, especially Christian men, hate their attraction to porn and desperately want to escape it. By withholding your body – especially visually – you’re not helping. (I am NOT saying that you are in any way causing him to view porn – no way.) He needs you much more than you could possibly know and a major part of that need is seeing you as Paul described above. You CAN help your husband “only have eyes for you”. Please lay your hurt at the foot of the cross and forgive your husband. Then begin to take baby steps toward him sexually. You will be amazed at what will happen.

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IntimacySeeker October 21, 2014 at 1:52 pm

@Karen I hear your hurt and pray you find healing. I wonder too why men marry if variety is their true desire. Paul has talked with me about this at length and claims that desiring one’s wife is a choice. I, like you, feel discouraged by this truth.
@Gary Do you realize how demeaning and deflating it feels to hear we must HELP our husbands have eyes only for us? A husband cannot naturally, genuinely want only his wife? It is a struggle for him to want her. That’s what I’m hearing in your comment and in others’.

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Paul Byerly October 13, 2014 at 3:59 pm

Karen, I find it difficult to explain this to women. Your mind works differently. Your conclusions would be valid if your husband were female. Thing is, he is male.

When I was doing porn back in the 70’s, many of the women were far from the best looking. Playboy and Penthouse had good looking women, but they showed very little – breasts, butts, and occasionally a hint of pubic hair. If you wanted to see more you had to go to other magazines. Few women were willing to show it all back then, and that meant the magazine which showed everything could not be picky. This did not matter because men were looking at the images for selected body parts, not whole women. In fact, it was common for most of the images to not show the woman’s face.

For men porn is about the most sexual parts of the body. It is about parts, not the whole. Sex might also be about parts for some men, but most men mature to the point where they want and even need a whole woman for sex. Porn however remains about parts.

A man who has no moral qualms about looking at other women will be easily and strongly aroused by sexual images of other women no matter how their wife looks. A man who thinks his wife is a “10” would be very much aroused by an image of woman who is a “2” if she is showing off her sexual parts. This is how men are made, or maybe it is how we fall into sin because of how we are made.

Clear as mud?
Paul Byerly recently posted…Please Play With Me!My Profile

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Kate October 11, 2014 at 7:28 pm

Wow, Paul these are such great insights! I wish I had read this post prior to marriage as well as the ones I shared! I so appreciate you willingness to give us wives and insight into our amazing husbands. Thank you for sharing this! :)

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Dan October 11, 2014 at 9:46 pm

Erections are not a barometer:
And they may not be omnipresent. If you like the feeling of an erection in you and not a toy, don’t put off sex as age advances. You may have to settle for a toy later, but don’t cheat either of you in the present.

Enough is not always enough:
I have wanted sex WAY more than I have ever got it. Even when I was younger and more capable and she had more libido.

Wanting to try something different is not a complaint:
We don’t always eat at the same place, drive the same route, or watch only one team. We have preferences, but we need variety to keep things fresh.

Sometimes it does have a mind of its own
BUT sometimes it won’t even obey my mind anymore. NOW is not just a good time, it may be the only time.

Men are visual:
Try to leave at least SOME light on. Believe it or not, SEEING you may mean the difference between our rising to the occasion or limply lying down on the job. We desire/need to see you and all your pieces/parts and bits.
Dan recently posted…My Wife ≠ MeMy Profile

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Dan October 17, 2014 at 2:04 pm

Karen,

Men are as visual as women are. Women are also visual. When a woman sees a good looking man, she thinks, “there’s a good looking man”. And then she moves on to something else. She has self-control. Men, in general, don’t want to practice self-control. They are too lazy. They want to fall back on that lame excuse ‘men are visual’. And that’s it in a nutshell. A LAME excuse.

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Paul Byerly October 18, 2014 at 12:30 pm

I agree it is an excuse, and I agree most of us (male and female) do not want to practice self-control. However, men do have a more difficult time with this one. Sexual images grab our minds more strongly. This is not an excuse, we still have the same obligation to do what is right, to practice self-control.
I think we do well to understand how big challenges are, both our own and our spouse’s. It is too easy to lack understanding because we think they struggle in exactly the ways and to the degrees we do. Better understanding allows us both to give grace and to know when to say tough things.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Male Sexual Health NewsMy Profile

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Dan October 21, 2014 at 9:21 pm

“It is too easy to lack understanding because we think they struggle in exactly the ways and to the degrees we do. Better understanding allows us both to give grace and to know when to say tough things.”

This is so very true. The more I study about this the more I see has to be done to reach that understanding. Attempting to reach it is the mission of my blog. When I first started it I was thinking that if we could communicate better between sexes it could happen in a reasonable amount of time. I find myself rethinking that timeline daily. Often I am the only guy in the room. I do admit I focus the blog toward women to a great degree by intent, but I had hoped to encourage discourse between both men and women in resulting community. Problem is, not many men are into authoring or reading relationship blogs so I am often the male voice which is unfortunate. I am not the voice of ALL men and don’t want to be perceived as such. That serves no purpose to understanding other than a better understanding me. I don’t want to stop blogging because understanding at least one male point of view with certain universalities or commonalities with others is better than none, but it is not what I had hoped.
Dan recently posted…My Wife ≠ MeMy Profile

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