Last week in How Can He Not Care?! I talked about men giving up. Why would a man give up on his marriage?
- The Game is Rigged: Would you play a game if you knew it was fixed so you could never win? If your husband thinks your marriage is rigged and he will never “win”, he may stop “playing”. He accesses his chances of ever “winning” based on the past. If things are bad enough long enough, he will likely decide he cannot win.
- Not Enough Energy: Change takes energy. This is true for changing ourselves, and even more true when we are trying to change a relationship. If he is unsure he has the energy to complete the task, he may not start. This can also be a temporary thing because of extra stress and time consumption at his job or somewhere else.
- Poor Cost–Benefit Analysis: What does he stand to gain if his efforts go well? What will it cost him? Is it worth it?
- What He Wants Isn’t on the Table: This is similar to the last one. Is there any chance he will ever get what he most wants? If not, why bother? (And yes, sex is often the issue here.)
- Selfishness: He may just not be willing to put in a reasonable amount of effort for a decent benefit. This is usually an attitude brought into the marriage, and is almost impossible to change.
If you think your husband has or is starting to give up, or if he refuses to work on your marriage, ask yourself which of these might be at play. If you can change his perception, he may be willing to work at things.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve been close to giving up.