Another Secret of Porn

October 24, 2014

in Uncategorized

I have talked about how porn hooks into a man’s visual interest in nude women, or at least parts of nude women. There is another way porn hooks men. The women in porn look as if they want and enjoy sex. They are crazy for sex, they live for it, they must have it right now

Emotionally healthy men want to be in bed with a woman who desires and enjoys sex. Of course, they want their wife to want them, but they also want her to want sex. Further, they want their wife to enjoy it a great deal, and express their enjoyment openly.

Happy in Bed © Erik Reis | dreamstime.com 

I doubt most men who look at porn convince themselves the woman they are viewing want to be with them. Just seeing a woman who seems to want and enjoy sex is enough to fill their desire.

The good news is you can easily feed this desire. If you enjoy sex, show it. Tell him you want him, and tell him you want sex. Find ways to tell him how much you enjoy sex both during and after making love. I understand feeling shy about this, or worrying about looking stupid. He will be thrilled with any indication you want and enjoy sex with him, so start slow and build your confidence.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I know this is huge for men.

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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

Tam October 24, 2014 at 8:45 am

And what do you do when the husband seems to be the lower drive spouse. The wife gets all excited and when she tries to make a move or even just make-out a bit, she is rejected. Then what? How do you get a guy to like and want sex more? This isn’t all the time, but frequent enough that it makes it hard to want to want him or show it too much.

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Paul Byerly October 24, 2014 at 12:23 pm

The best thing you can do is try to figure out why he has low drive, and then try to find a way to minimise it.
You say it is not all the time. Is it him, or you? Maybe he is steady, and you have a stronger drive at times? Or maybe he has times of low drive because of stress or lack of sleep. Keep notes and look for patterns, to help you figure out what is causing lower drive.

Beyond that, he may be willing when he is not strongly interested if you can make it easy on him. Maybe he would be willing if you were on top, for example.
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Lisa October 24, 2014 at 10:57 am

First let me say that I really enjoy your blog and have come to learn a lot of my husband and men in general from reading some of the insights that you have shared. Most of the time, I read it – try to absorb what applies to me and my situation and go from there. But this time, I feel compelled to respond. This is just one more article that puts the “blame” on women for not being exciting, attractive, enticing, engaged, responsive enough to keep our men happy and faithful to us. It once again states that if we were just enough, then they would remain true to the promises they also made at the alter. You know that “love, honor and obey” thing?? Yeah, we kind of thought they meant what they said there. My marriage has been damaged by my husband viewing porn, then deciding that wasn’t enough anymore, engaging contacts online, then deciding that wasn’t enough, meeting a woman for sex. We are trying very hard to work through it, but it is nearly CONSTANT in my mind, that at my age, I will never look like some 20-something in a porn video, who has a makeup artist and hairdresser on call and nothing I can do can compete with that. It is more likely true that even those women go home at the end of their work day and act much differently. How about something to help women in their battle against the fantasy that exists in men’s minds?? How about explaining to men that when their wives know they watch porn, it damages SO much about how they feel about themselves and their worth as a woman, and how they feel like everything in his mind is better than she thinks she could ever be when she thinks he is comparing her to what he can see on the screen? How about helping men understand that cherishing the woman they are committed to helps her feel beautiful and loved and cherished and wanted which HELPS her feel sexy and desirable?? How about we at least have one sentence in this blog post which squarely puts the blame where it belongs and not one more hurtle I, as a committed faithful wife need to overcome to help make sure my husband does not stray, and that I have to earn his fidelity?? How about just one sentence in this post says to a man that it is HIS responsibility to NOT watch, not his wife’s responsibility to keep him from it?

I really do enjoy your blog, I promise I do – but honestly THIS is part of the problem. Again, it’s a woman’s fault, and a man is not expected, or even is it suggested that a man is strong enough to choose fidelity. Not every man cheats, I get that – and I am sure I have some heightened sensitivity to this situation because of our marital history now, but the thoughts are still the same. Women are expected to be great wives, super Moms, engaged lovers, and men are just expected to be what is in their nature.

Still heartbroken and healing…

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Paul Byerly October 24, 2014 at 11:50 am

Please know I have done all the things you suggest over on The Generous Husband (http://www.the-generous-husband.com/) – for 13 years and counting. And when I do, I often am accused of “blaming men” and asked why I am not telling women about the whole do not refuse thing. I hear how I think women should refuse sex unless men everything right way. Over there I am told I think women are innocent and near perfect, while everything wrong with marriages is the fault of husbands.

I was careful in this post to not connect what a wife may or may not be doing with a man using porn. Nothing a wife does, or does not do justifies or excuses porn use. PERIOD. My goal with this post was to explain why porn grabs a man, and show women how they can do the same thing with their husbands. Unless a man is really far gone, it takes very little to do this. If a woman stands in front of her husband in nothing but underwear, points down, and say “I need you here… NOW!”, it will not matter what her hair looks like or if she is wearing make-up, she will have him 100%. The real issue is not how she looks, it is telling him she want sex with him. Will nice hair, make up, and sexy lingerie make the effect stronger? Technically yes, but not nearly as much as you might think.

I think husbands should reject porn and be loving, regardless. I think wives should be reasonably available for sex, regardless. Being human, most of us fail in these things, especially when our spouse is failing in their part. My goal is to show men and women what THEY can do to change things. I realise it can sound like “S/he is not doing ABC because you are not doing XYZ.” In truth I am telling both men and women what they should do, because it is the right and wise thing to do. I hope their spouse will do better in response, but that is not the primary point.
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Lisa October 24, 2014 at 12:25 pm

Thanks so much for the reply Paul, I will check out the other blog as well, and I am sure you get the finger pointed there too, as you mentioned. I suppose as well, that not 100% of the things will work or fail 100% of the time in any given relationship. I really do enjoy your blog, it has been a great source of information as my husband and I navigate the healing process in our marriage.

Thanks so much again for your committed efforts to help us all do better at what we really want to do better at. It is greatly appreciated and I am sorry if my reply came off a bit harsh sounding… I am not always perfect either!

Thanks again for taking the time to address my comment.

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T October 24, 2014 at 4:10 pm

I understand the importance of this and I don’t disagree with you. I have a very healthy sex drive, to the point where I have to be careful around other men. My problem is that I just am physically not able to enjoy the actual act. It’s like smelling a warm brownie and wanting to scarf down a big helping, but then not being able to taste it. I read all these marriage blogs, and it is commonly stated that 1) the woman shouldn’t “fake it” and 2) a man wants more than an available body, he wants his wife to be enjoying it, too.

But if I can’t enjoy it, what then? I mean, it’s no more stimulating or exciting to me than say, if he rubbed a baby carrot in my nostril for 10 minutes. And it’s distracting, so I could be really horny but once we start having sex, it just kills the mood for me. (Would you still be aroused if you had to stop and let someone rub a baby carrot in your nose for awhile?) It seems like all DH and I are capable of doing is disappointing each other. What should I do?

And don’t tell me it takes time and practice. It’s been 25 years. DH worked in a library and checked out all the books. The problem is not him being a stingy lover or not knowing female anatomy. (I also am not sexually excited by my husband anymore, but the lack of enjoyment of sex has existed from the beginning. I sometimes wonder if the first problem has caused the second.) I just don’t know what to do or where to turn.

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Paul Byerly October 24, 2014 at 4:30 pm

Are you saying intercourse is a problem, or sex in general? Do you find other things enjoyable sexually, or have you had a chance to try?
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T October 24, 2014 at 5:00 pm

Intercourse is like a cold shower, excitement over. Oral is too ticklish; on a rare occasion I let him do it for his enjoyment because he loves it, but I can’t stand it for long. Vibrators on the outside dull my sensation so I can’t really feel anything, and on the inside don’t feel any better than intercourse plus they trigger my IBS. Fingering (outside) is okay if I’m already turned on, but that rarely happens anymore with DH. Otherwise it’s also ticklish. Fingering inside, trying to find a G-spot, nothing. Might as well be my annual OB/GYN visit. I’m a broken toy. (Is there anything I missed? Anal is out of the question for me.)

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T October 24, 2014 at 5:03 pm

P.S. he’s let me finger myself to O with him inside before so we could see what it feels like, but he has to hold perfectly still. As soon as he starts to move inside me, I lose any progress toward the O. I feel like God messed up on me.

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Paul Byerly October 25, 2014 at 10:37 am

Some women get nothing from intercourse. It sounds like you may be usually sensitive, or sensitive in unusual ways.
My generic advice for such a situation is to find a way to make sex good for both of you. Maybe he takes care of you by hand first, then has intercourse. Or the other way around. Perhaps on occasion you pleasure each other by hand with no intercourse. Or you by hand, him orally. This would need to be done along with figuring out how he can turn you one enough for all of it to work.
Unfortunately after 25 years it is far more difficult, and it sounds like he may have given up.
I am sorry for your struggles – you have my prayers.
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T October 25, 2014 at 5:24 pm

Thank you for the advice. Those are the things we have done in the past. It’s never been GREAT for me, and it’s just gotten harder and harder to even enjoy it at all. But I know that’s not fair to him, either. Like you said, an emotionally healthy male wants a woman who enjoys sex. I’m trying to figure out how to reach a balance where I don’t have to be phony, but only one of us has to suffer.

You say “Some women get nothing from intercourse.” Supposedly, intercourse is this important and beautiful and sacred gift from God to married couples. Why did God make it so much easier for men to enjoy it? Why does God play favorites with some women? From what I can tell, it’s AMAZING for about 30% of women, can be pretty good for another percentage of women but they have to work at it, and then another percentage of women just got the short end of the stick. The men who marry them get to share the short end of the stick then, as well.

I’m having trouble reconciling this with the notion of God as a loving Creator. I’m worried that if He can play favorites like this here, what if we’re not all designed to enjoy eternity, either? What if there’s no tears only because you’re aware of what the alternative would have been? Thank you for your prayers, I really need them.

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Paul Byerly October 26, 2014 at 2:38 pm

My best guess is God made sex easy for one and less easy for the other so we would both be pulled to have sex, and be driven to explore it to the fullest. As to why some women have far more problem I would put much of that down to loving in a fallen world. Everything about us is less than perfect, and for some of us some parts are rather broken. I think a huge part of this is the way society messed up women’s minds about sex starting from a very young age. That may or may not be a factor for you.

I wish I had more of an explanation, but I do not. It is like the couple who lose a baby days before it was to born, or being born missing a limb. How can we explain these things? How do we reconcile them with a loving God? I have faith it will all make sense in eternity, and we will say “Yes, of course, it had to be that way.”

Still praying,
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Henri October 25, 2014 at 8:19 am

I never comment but this post really struck me. It is all the things my husband has NOT said, but implied over the years. He says that when I “show up”, his temptations and struggles are less, but he never fully explained it like this post has done. Its not just the smiling, its the lights on, its the early morning/afternoon, its nakedness without worrying about the imperfections, its the smiling and enjoying oneself, its being willing whenever, even when he is just making a flirtatious comment as he walks out the door to work knowing sex isn’t going to happen, just having a willing response has made a huge difference. This is when he tells me that I am the hottest – even with morning breath and hair that is that farthest thing from sexy possible.
I am not naive to think that because of this he will never struggle. And yes it hurts. Just like women who are more voluptuous, porn is just as hurtful when you are less voluptuous and more waif-like – but I keep telling myself, I have looked the same for 16 years, he picked me and chose me so he must at least like me ; ) I think as women, our problem is over time we stop liking ourselves because we compare ourselves to the women of porn, and we honestly will never measure up to that standard, but the truth is, they don’t measure up to that standard either. Its all lighting, makeup and effects or “Smoke & Mirrors”. I encourage women to look into a biography or two of the real life these women go through, most of them are drugged out of their minds, and that is the “nice” part. Imagine the depression that they will go through (worse then ours) when they are no longer the “beauty” that is required, their whole world is about one thing, but we all get older. We need to change our standard of measurement and begin loving our bodies as they are, regardless if we think our husband does or not. Regardless if he has an occasional struggle or outright addiction. Our identity isn’t wrapped up in that, and yet that is what the world is preaching to us. We need to stop listening.

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Paul Byerly October 25, 2014 at 10:45 am

Great examples of what men are hungry for!
Porn is a battle for men. Some men beat it, some keep fighting their entire lives. A man’s wife can make it easier or more difficult, but it is his battle and his responsibility. There are men having almost no sex who beat porn, and men having a lot of sex who do not, so putting it on the wife is unfair and inaccurate.
Aside from all the other things you mention, the women shown in porn are not 3-D women. They have no thoughts, feelings or dreams beyond sex. Personally I want a 3-D woman!
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IntimacySeeker October 25, 2014 at 11:02 am

Thank you for this post, Paul. It reminds me of a comment my husband made when my daughters still lived at home and the Victoria Secret catalogs showed up on a regular basis. He said all the women in them always look horny. I have also heard that this visible attitude from women in porn makes men feel “welcome.”
Perhaps when we show interest this way we make our husbands feel welcome and at home with their sexual desires. We show them we want them, ALL of them. We aren’t just allowing them to do something TO us, we are celebrating their masculinity.

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Paul Byerly October 26, 2014 at 2:28 pm

Bingo!
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MrShorty October 25, 2014 at 8:44 pm

This is an interesting part of the sexual dynamic in some marriages. One of the first authors that I read of this was Dr. Juli Slattery (at Focus on the Family at the time) from her book “No More Headaches” (http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/sex_and_intimacy/understanding-your-husbands-sexual-needs/sex-is-an-emotional-need.aspx ) ” the most sexual thing about them [the women in porn] is their availability. Their eyes and pose scream, “I want you, and I won’t reject you!” ”

As I observed earlier this summer when this came up on “the generous husband”, we men sometimes come to believe this about ourselves. Could it be that a part of why we want this kind of desire in our wives is to allay our own fears about ourselves. A woman who enjoys and desires sex validates our own sexual desire as “acceptable”. A wife who ridicules her husband or merely tolerates his advances reaffirms his fear that he is “an oversexed pig”.

I’m sure you saw them, Paul, but Sheila had a couple of posts about this on her blog this week. (1st entry, link to second entry at bottom: http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2014/10/men-are-perverts-lies-we-believe/ ). Looking back on my own life, I think this was something I had to struggle with myself — accepting that my sexuality and sexual desires are not inherently evil or that they make me some kind of disgusting pig.

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Paul Byerly October 26, 2014 at 2:30 pm

Yes, I think there is some reassuring going on.

I saw the first of Sheila’s posts on Friday, too late to add them here. I have a note to mention them on Monday.
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Anne October 26, 2014 at 9:56 am

Dear T,
It looks like you and your husband have put a lot of time and effort into making intimacy better for you. May I please ask you some questions? What has your gynecologist said when you brought up the problems you are experiencing? If your response was not satisfactory, since most doctors only get approximately 10-15 hours of sex education while in school, who else have you seen in the medical field to help you? There are plenty of outside sources available if you look around, try looking for an accredited sexual therapist in your area.
Also there are simple things that can make your body not respond to sexual touch, i.e. antidepressants, birth control, antihistamines, other medications, diet, hydration, and even stress can hinder your love life.
It’s sounds like you are blessed with a very loving & patient spouse. I hope and pray that some of my suggestions help guide you. I am sure you will find a solution soon.
In best regards,
Anne

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Carly October 30, 2014 at 7:31 pm

While I agree in general that porn shows women who are enthusiastic about sex, some porn focuses on themes of nonconsent, some of your readers might not be aware of that.

While I do agree the enthusiasm is a hook, there is something else beyond that can hook men(or possibly women). It is an enthusiasm with no boundaries, no refusals, no limitations. While some of these boundaries might be inferred…no one in porn seems to have a bad back or knees, etc., other lack of boundaries are more direct.

I think this is has had a trickle down for what some might expect in the marriage bed, and even in some portions of Christianity. A man in porn approaches a woman for sex with no foreplay and barely treating her like she is a human…but she still smiles. A “healthy marriage” blog sees no problem saying there is nothing wrong with a man initiating sex when the woman is fast asleep and the woman should be instantly receptive. Porn has many sites appealing to those who are looking for an “underage” theme…women dressing up in a manner that suggests they are under 18. Another supposedly Christian themed blog, while not expressly using words like “barely legal” suggests that a woman should dress in a manner that would be associated by most with someone underage. Women in porn are shown enthusiastically doing things that some might find painful, such as anal sex..but then another you find a Christian marriage blog advocating this is something a woman must try. I could given many more examples. I think this aspect of porn is quite troubling and to the extent I see this mirrored in some Christian blogs even more so.

I’m sure there are other messages in porn that can also be harmful to men, in different ways. If a woman was an avid porn watcher would she then always expect her man to perform in a way like he had the energy supply of the everready bunny?

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Paul Byerly October 31, 2014 at 1:26 pm

The wrong and harmful message in porn are certainly many, and as you say not limited to misportraying women.
A decade ago I talked to a fellow who spent much of his time in China. He said the arrival of western porn there was destroying a lot of marriages. Couples wanted what they say in porn, and each blamed the other for not being able to do what the men and women in porn did.
As to what Christian marriage blogs advocate, I have certainly seen all you say and more. I am all for removing the bondage of human tradition and wrong teachings, but we must avoid condemning those who are not interested in certain acts. I don’t think I have discussed that here, but I have cautioned men about it many times on The Generous Husband. Just because someting is not sinful does not mean it is sinful to say no to it!
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