He Wants What You Want

November 12, 2014

in Uncategorized

I am convinced husbands and wives want the same things. 

Basic Needs © scottchan | freedigitalphotos.net

When I say we want the same things I am thinking about larger concepts. I think all of us, regardless of age, race, or gender, want:

  • To feel loved and respected
  • To feel accepted for who we are
  • To feel heard and understood
  • A sense of purpose and direction
  • To feel we are doing something that matters
  • Peace, security, and a lack of fear
  • A reasonable level of comfort
  • To belong

There may be others, but the list is short. You want those things, and your husband wants those things. Thing is we define these wants and needs differently, and what fills them is not the same. This leads to confusion. He might think he is giving you one of these basic needs when in fact the way he is doing it does not work for you. You may think he should feel you respect him, but you are not showing respect in a way he can feel it.

If you think your husband is interfering with you having one or more of these things, you will be upset with him. Likewise, if he thinks you are getting in his way of having any of these things. On the other hand, if hubby is helping you to have these things, you will feel good about him. If he feels you are helping him obtain these things, he will feel good about you, and about being married to you.

The secret to a great marriage then is as “simple” as finding ways to help each other obtain the things on the list. If your actions show you want him to have these things, he will see you as being on his side, which is a good start to a great marriage.

Perhaps this list would make a good starting place for a conversation.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I want all of these things for myself and for my wife.

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Dan November 14, 2014 at 8:59 pm

This is so true. We often think we are doing the right thing and our mate feels we don’t understand them and their needs. Obviously, there is truth there to the extent that we are not meeting the need, but the “truth” should not obscure the intent. Fixing it can be as simple as saying, “I really like it when you …..” That way, no one has been accused of being insensitive or inconsiderate or lacking understanding and no one has to read any one’s mind. Take that unvoiced request for what you want and turn it into a compliment about the last time they did it. Even if they have never done what you say, they likely will “remember” they have if you say so and then strive to do more of it.
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Remmy November 20, 2014 at 5:28 am

It is so true, we all need those things. As Dan has said, we should put it in a polite and kind way so that on one feels accused or blamed.Thanks

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