Do It for Me

November 17, 2014

in Uncategorized

When you want your husband to do something for you, or to change how he does something, ask him to do it as a favour to you. Even if you think what you are asking for is something he should do, asking it as a favour is a better way to go.

Asking a favour Asking a favour © Patrick | Dreamstime.com

This is true regardless of gender, but when a wife asked a favour of her husband, she has the added bonus of tapping into his desire to love and protect his bride. It works with the way God has made him. Additionally, you avoid any risk of being seen as nagging.

~ Paul – I’m XY and I like doing favours for my wonderful wife.

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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Me November 18, 2014 at 6:46 am

Sadly, this isn’t always true. I have asked my husband countless times to quit smoking for me and the children. He is kind enough to not do it in the house or the car to protect our health. However, it terrifies me. I don’t want to have him get sick or worse from something that is completely avoidable. I’ve shared this with him several times, made lots of suggestions, prayed about it. In the end, he chooses the cigarettes. I’ve told him how much it hurts that he loves cigarettes more than me. I sense he cares, but as he always chooses the cigarettes, I know doing things for me or to protect me means less to him than a cigarette. That’s hurtful. He always says he really wants to quit, but he keeps choosing to smoke. He loves the cigarettes more than me or our family.

Reply

IntimacySeeker November 18, 2014 at 10:39 am

I hear your pain and would like to share some experience that may be helpful. First, something as major as conquering an addiction should perhaps not be classified as a favor. To me, a favor would be something along the lines of “honey, it would really help me feel appreciated and loved if you would turn the heat up an hour or so before I get home from work.” Or “babe, if you would lay a damp paper towel in the sink before trimming your beard, it would be less work for me when I clean the bathroom. Would you do that as a favor to me?”

Addictions come in many shapes and forms. For me, it is food, and although I have successfully managed it for a couple of years now, it will always be with me. For others, it is alcohol. For your husband, it appears to be nicotine. These substances have power over us and we wish we could just “choose” for them not to.

I suggest researching “detach with love,” a process advocated by al-anon. The concepts have helped me with many relationship issues in my life.

Your husband’s struggle with smoking does not mean he loves cigarettes more than he loves you or your family. He likely already has plenty of guilt, and perhaps shame, about this. We free others to embrace change when we take responsibility for our own reactions and decide to step out of the victim role. Easier said than done? Of course. Possible? Absolutely!

I wish you well and pray you find some healing in your journey.

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Paul Byerly November 19, 2014 at 11:35 am

I won’t argue your end conclusion, but nicotine is highly addictive. I had a friend who did almost every drug known in the 70’s. He got clean expect for cigarettes. He finally kicked that too, but said it was harder than getting off any of the other drugs.

I just read (as in 15 minutes ago) an article on e-cigarettes. They are far less harmful, and those who use them to stop smoking have a very high success rate. Most eventually cut down or eliminate the nicotine. It might be a tool to help him get free, and it will eliminate the danger to you and the kids from second-hand smoke. Maybe you ask him to switch for you?

{And for the record, I’ve never had even a single puff of a cigarette.)
Paul Byerly recently posted…Save Your Marriage First. Then Help Others.My Profile

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IntimacySeeker November 18, 2014 at 12:56 pm

“…tapping into his desire to love and protect his bride” In our household, I am the primary wage earner and benefits provider. Creating opportunities for my husband to fulfill his role as provider is, at times, more a favor to him than to me. He NEEDS to provide for me. That’s not to say I do not need his assistance or care, but learning this about him has helped me be a more gracious recipient.

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Paul Byerly November 19, 2014 at 11:36 am

You are so right, he does need to do it. Good for you understanding and working with that.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Save Your Marriage First. Then Help Others.My Profile

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