He’s Not Into Sexless Holidays

November 21, 2014

in Uncategorized

Last week I told the gentlemen reading The Generous Husband to have realistic sexual expectations for the holidays. This is the same issue, for you ladies.

Christmas Eve Sex © Plato-nova | Dreamstime.com

I understand how crazy the holidays are, and I know in most marriages more of the craziness falls on the wife than on the husband. I realise more work, more people, and less sleep, all interfere with having sex, not to mention wanting and enjoying sex. I get all that. What I hope to help you understand is the fact most men’s sex drives are not affected by these things. For most of us, sex drive means we want/need it again after a set time. The longer we go once we feel the need, the more it yells at us. I know some women are the same, but most are not. Even if a woman enjoys sex, she may stop feeling any need when she is busy or stressed.

So how do you find a reasonable compromise between his unchanged desire and your increased workload? Start by being aware. It is easy to think you had sex “a few days ago” when in fact it has been far more than a week. Women generally over estimate how often they are having sex, especially when they are busy. So keep track. Next, decide how often you think is reasonable to have sex. Then work to achieve that goal.

It also helps to think ahead. If you have family coming to stay, make an effort to have some intimate couple time (including but not limited to sex) before and after company. Keep an eye on your schedule and make a point of having sex when you are less busy.

Bonus: If you want to bless your hubby with an early gift, try this. Show up for bed Christmas Eve wearing nothing but a Santa hat, or a ribbon, or a couple of carefully places bows. Tell him he needs a quickie, and let him enjoy himself. (Of course if you want it too, go for it.) Aside from diffusing his desire, this tells him you are aware of and care about his sexual needs, which is even more important to him than the sex.

By the way: Chris, AKA The Forgiven Wife has some great thoughts on “Who is sex for?” in her recent What’s In It for Me? post.  

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I am thankful my beautiful bride enjoys sex year round.

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

El Fury November 21, 2014 at 9:11 am

What an awesome show of enthusiasm! This is all a part of being a student of your spouse. Learn what he or she likes, and take the initiative to do it without being asked.
El Fury recently posted…The Importance of EnthusiasmMy Profile

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Chris November 21, 2014 at 12:36 pm

Thanks for including my post today, Paul!
Chris recently posted…How Does He Feel Most Loved?My Profile

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Concerned November 21, 2014 at 4:06 pm

We learned many, many years ago that our marriage works best on daily — actually twice a day — sex. Our love sessions may or may not be extensive and long, but they are a VERY regular part of our daily schedule–whatever the day holds. : )

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Paul Byerly November 21, 2014 at 6:24 pm

I’m sure you are scaring someone here! ;-)

If there are plenty of quickies I can see this being possible for many people time wise. The bigger issue would be having enough of a relationship to make it possible.
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El Fury November 22, 2014 at 2:34 pm

@Concerned: Can I ask if your sex schedule/frequency has varied over the seasons of your life? Young kids, babies, older kids, empty nest… whatever is applicable.
El Fury recently posted…Sex in Song of Solomon, Chapter 2My Profile

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The Man December 3, 2014 at 2:29 pm

I recognize my biases, but I frankly don’t understand the persistent search for reasons not to be intimate. Seriously, it’s like a strange variation on the theme of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

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Paul Byerly December 4, 2014 at 10:30 am

If sex made you feel bad about yourself, don’t you think you would try to avoid it? If it made you feel used or unloved, would you find reasons to avoid it? What if you liked it, but felt pressured to do it more than you wanted? How about if it took a huge amount of mental/emotional energy to do it?
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The Man December 5, 2014 at 7:59 pm

Oh I said I recognize my biases. And my wife has not expressed these emotions. Really is a cruel joke actually.

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