I wrote the following in the comments on Fantasy and the Christian Husband, the post I did two weeks ago.
“I think the majority of men feel they have been subjected to bait and switch over sex. Like [women], they think the game is rigged, and most have abandoned any hope of every having the sex life they thought they had been promised.
As I see it, society lies to both men and women, and in ways that set them up for a horrible wreck when they get married. While the individuals certainly has some guilt in all this, I see it as a much bigger issue. At best society is doing this. Personally I’d say the Enemy is behind it.
The question then is this – do we form camps based on gender lines and throw rocks at each other across the desert between us? Or do we see this for the spiritual battle it is and work to solve it because we want to walk in what God intended. The world and Satan are pushing us to do the first. I’m advocating the latter.“
I realise there are a wide variety of beliefs about spiritual battle; I hope we can sidestep augments about that. Regardless of how we frame it or understand it, I think it is clear men and women tend to fall into different camps about sex. We have how men think it is or should be, and how women think it is, or should be. Between the two camps is a vast no man’s (and no woman’s) land. Any attempt to move towards the other camp is entering into the unknown, and away from the comfort of those who agree with us. What’s more, the others in our camp will try to restrain us, and if they cannot they may abandon us, or even attack us. It is us against them, and any attempt to bridge the gap is seen as treason.
I have seen this from inside the men’s camp. When I suggest men need to work at building a relationship that will support a good sex life, I am told I am pandering to women and ignoring the Word of God. When I say pushing a woman to do something she does not enjoy is a bad plan, I am accused of undermining male sexuality.
I also have many first hand reports of the same from women who try to move past the established limits of the woman’s camp. They accused of not caring about women, they are called sell outs, they are encouraging rape and ignoring abuse.
Each camp is sure they are right. Each camp is sure everything would be great if the other camp would just see the light and join them. There is no truth on the other side, and those who suggest compromise or looking for a third alternative are ignored or attacked.
When I look at marriages, where both husband and wife feel good about their sex life, I find neither the husband nor the wife is abiding by the doctrines of “their camp”. Some couples are closer to one camp, some to the other. Some are not between the two camps, having rejected compromise as the only solution. Those who are willing to question the propaganda of their camp have a chance for a happy sex life. Those who are not will probably never be happy.
When I share here about male sexuality, I am not trying to get women to come over to the men’s camp. I have been in that camp, and I know it misses the truth in some ways. Leaving one lie for a different lie is not a trip I suggest. However, leaving a lie to find the truth is a journey worth doing. Are you tired enough of sex being a battleground in your marriage to try something radical?
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m having a blast living outside the camp!