When You Really Gotta Go…

December 5, 2014

in Uncategorized

I don’t think most women have any idea how constant and annoying a man’s sex drive can be for him. I realise explaining this to women is like trying to explain labour to men, but I am going to take my best shot.

Imagine you really need to pee. As in being in pain and about to embarrass yourself gotta pee. What men feel when they really need to climax is nowhere as strong as that, but it is a good analogy.

Woman who really needs a restroom © vladimirfloyd | dollarphotoclub.com

Now dial that back to you need a restroom soon, but you are not yet in distress. It is always there, in the back of your mind, and it will not go away until you take care of it. Many men spend much of their time in a place like this with sexually. They get to the point where sex once is not enough to fully make the feeling go away. So, while sex helps, it does not end the awareness.

Now imagine you’re taking a long car trip with your husband and you say “I could use a restroom soon”. He just keeps driving, passing rest-stops, filling-stations, and towns. So, you tell him you need the next restroom he sees. When he flies past the next restroom, you complain. He responds by saying you go to the restroom too often. You need to learn to hold it better, or drink less.

Again, this is not perfect, but it is a good analogy of what many men experience when they try to communicate their need for sex.

At this point some of you are upset men reduce sex to a need for release. I assure you no man wants it to be this way! It is far better to want sex because you feel close and loving. We’d much rather desire sex because we desire you. Thing is, that can only happen when a man has sex often enough to not feel a pressing need for release.

He has no more control over his body letting him know it is time than you have over feeling your bladder is full. Neither can he ignore his body on this. He can and should choose to be loving about it, but he is going to feel the growing urgency regardless of how understanding or rude he is about his need.

Bottom Line: If you want him to want you for the non-physical reasons, you have to help him get past his body’s regular desire for release.

By the way:I’ve talked to a few men who do not experience what I have described here, but it is a very small minority. It is particularity difficult for men in their teens and twenties as the need for release is stronger and happens more quickly after he has a climax. As a man ages the intensity of this need drops, and it take longer for it to happen, but most men continue to experience this past retirement age.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and when she need to go, I stop!

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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

IntimacySeeker December 5, 2014 at 10:49 am

I’ve been puzzling for several hours now, trying to figure out why this post is so upsetting for me. I know this stuff, have worked through it and have been doing very well. Yet when I read this, I felt the rug was pulled out from under me and with it all my progress. DH and I were planning some togetherness this evening. Now I just want to go home after work, lock myself into the bathroom, sink into a hot bath, and have a good, long cry.

I don’t expect a response or solution from you, just thought I would share my reaction in case others are feeling the same way and find comfort in knowing they are not alone.

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Paul Byerly December 5, 2014 at 11:19 am

Thanks for the honesty, and I am so sorry for the trouble the post has caused you.

My guess is this information creates a sense of obligation. Not a him pushing you obligation, but rather an obligation because you are a decent person and you can’t allow him to suffer when you could help. When it is just him being selfish, ignoring it feels okay. When you understand it is not about him being selfish, you cannot feel good about ignoring it.

Beyond that, it seems to take some of the romance and love out of sex. I get that because it has felt that way to me! The question is why I felt that way. What lies did I buy into? This is how God made me, so it is a good thing. Why am I tempted to see it as bad?

I think this is one of those painful part way places, a painful truth. We have to understand it and accept it so we can go on to something better. I know this was a huge burden for Lori when she accepted it as truth. I also know she got past it. When you want to do something out of love, it no longer feels like an obligation. I suppose it still is, but it does not feel that way.

Maybe my posting this just pulled up old feelings, and maybe you have a bit more of healing over these things. Maybe you are hurting for the women who see this and realise the truth in it for the first time.

Jesus said the truth would set us free, but He never promised we would not hurt a bit getting to free.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: More Family Than HolidaysMy Profile

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Chris December 5, 2014 at 1:46 pm

Some women have had to work so hard to understand that for our husbands, sex is about so much more than a physical release. It took me a long time to believe that my husband was after full intimacy and not just an orgasm.

Yet here you are, comparing sex to a basic physical experience that we don’t talk about in polite company. It would be easy to read this and question whether any of the stuff about intimacy being more than sex is actually true. What if all he wants is an orgasm, and what if intimacy really doesn’t mean anything more than that?

One of the things that I eventually realized is that although sex meets deep emotional and spiritual needs for my husband, that doesn’t mean that there isn’t a physical component as well. It isn’t just using the body to meet the emotional and spiritual needs. The body has a need as well.

It’s like a pendulum. I started off thinking that my husband was all at one extreme at the “sex is physical” end of the pendulum. Then I shifted over to the “sex is emotional and spiritual end.” The reality is that sex is all these things combined.

Understanding that there is a physical need for release doesn’t negate any of the wonderful relational, emotional, and spiritual needs that it serves as well. One of the reasons sex is so amazing is that it involves our whole selves–and that includes the physical.
Chris recently posted…What Does Your Anger Mean?My Profile

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Paul Byerly December 5, 2014 at 3:52 pm

Thanks Chris. I like landschooner’s restaurant example – while eating is a basic physical need, for most there is a big social function tied to eating. I will not eat when I am hungry so I can enjoy a nice meal later with friends and family. Sometimes eating is just about hunger, and sometimes it is just about socialising. Most of the time (for me at least) it is both.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: More Family Than HolidaysMy Profile

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IntimacySeeker December 7, 2014 at 3:48 am

Thank you!

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IntimacySeeker December 7, 2014 at 3:47 am

“Maybe my posting this just pulled up old feelings, and maybe you have a bit more of healing over these things. Maybe you are hurting for the women who see this and realise the truth in it for the first time. ”

Both of these perceptions are true. When I am face to face, skin to skin with my husband, I’m just fine. And what Chris says about sex encompassing all of our being is true, and I rejoice in that.

However, this statement really bothered me. “Bottom Line: If you want him to want you for the right reasons, you have to help him get past his body’s regular desire for release.”
In a way this says that my husband wanting me for physical enjoyment alone is wrong. Not sure that is true or what you meant. I am glad my husband has a physical desire for me. But the statement implies that I must suffer some sort of abuse or displeasure BEFORE I can enjoy sex as God intends. Forgive the terminology here, but one might read they must be a whore before they can be a wife.

Although I appreciated the comparison and I KNOW your kind intentions, I have some issues with comparisons. The first thing I had to work through was seemingly being compared to a toilet.

Kind of scary how old hurts can resurface and the speed and intensity with which they do. A healthy response is to celebrate that my husband is almost always needing me. With great power comes great responsibility (should credit the writer there.) Choosing to use that power to build up rather than tear down is what submission is all about.

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Paul Byerly December 8, 2014 at 4:22 pm

Well I said that completely wrong! (The bottom line) Sometimes I over identify with women’s frustrations when I write here. I’m going to go back and edit that – thanks.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Our Life UpdatesMy Profile

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landschooner December 5, 2014 at 11:15 am

Do you know why it bothers you?
Paul isn’t saying there isn’t MORE to it than just needing release, but he is conveying that it IS that also.
I don’t know if this analogy helps but its also akin to this. Hunger. I need to eat regularly. My body requires it. But why is it that I never go to my favorite restaurant without my wife? I have never once gone there alone. Never. Its GREAT when I can take my wife to our favorite restaurant and have a great meal with a beautiful woman who is my best friend. But I never go there if I’m not hungry. If one of us is full, we don’t go.

Should my wife be hurt by the hunger component of our evening together? Going out together is physical need and social/marital. She’s my best friend and I want to go with HER to our favorite restaurant, but ultimately, I gotta eat cause I’m hungry!

Your husband needs sex. Sex in general, all by itself. That’s true.
But he wants to have sex, with YOU.

LS

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Dan December 6, 2014 at 1:57 pm

I agree, Landschooner. I can “urinate” by myself, but ultimately need the love and emotional connection. That is ultimately what sex is all about. Without it, I do not feel loved.

But don’t knock they physical aspect! The analogy of this blog post is correct. The sensation isn’t the same as needing to pee, but if you let it go too long it can get uncomfortable and then downright painful.

But just as importantly, it feels soooo good when you need release, and you don’t have to do it yourself! If my wife and best friend were unwilling to give up a few minutes out of her day to bring me immense pleasure, what would that say about her love for me?

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Tammany December 5, 2014 at 12:40 pm

I’m annoyed because it seems my husband is the minority of men and I am the minority of women. I can more readily identify with men who constantly want it, than with women who “are too tired”, “have a headache”, “are not in the mood”, ect. This situation for me, sucks.

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Me December 5, 2014 at 6:51 pm

Tammany, hang in there. Pray. A lot. Talk to your husband. I went through what you are describing. For several YEARS, I wanted my husband way more than he wanted me. I felt very sad, very ugly, very unloved, and worthless. Turns out it had very little to do with me. We are finally healing and I’ll be honest with you, it wasn’t easy. And it wasn’t porn. It was other issues. Also, be careful what blogs you read. I totally hear you, and sometimes reading about men who constantly want it can be so hard for wives who don’t feel wanted or desired. The best thing to do is pray and try to communicate with your husband. The healing has not been easy, but it has been SO worth it.

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KT December 5, 2014 at 9:46 pm

You’re not alone, Tammany! My husband and I don’t fit these stereotypes either!

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JimDCat December 5, 2014 at 6:09 pm

ThkQ for a well thought out and articulated article. My main thought has to do not with the source of the drive (God) but with what fuels it. To continue Ur analogy of “pee-ing”… The men in my family are notorious for how often we need to Stop’nPee. It’s become a bit of a family joke. My younger brother once drove with his family from San Diego to Northern California. Upon arrival, his wife said: “We’d have been here 2 hours ago if the men in your family didn’t have to stop at every other gas station”. Then they realized that every time he stopped to pee, he’d buy a soda. Sure enough, when he stopped drinking so much, they could drive longer periods without stopping.

It took me a long time to accept that my sex drive was a gift from God to our marriage and should be kept 100% within the relationship between me and my WW. I grew up with some unhealthy concepts of sex, which included some use of pornography. After marriage, some of my sex drive continued to be fueled by porn. She, therefore, was not always “enough”. There is no wife on this planet that can continually and adequately satisfy a husband’s sex drive that has been shifted into over-drive by pornography. As I learned to eliminate my exposure to porn, it was amazing how much deeper our one-on-one intimacy grew. AND… I did not “NeedToPee” so much.

In recovery, (Celebrate Recovery) I discovered that I am “addicted to ‘more'”. This has affected every area of my life, from sex to food (ice cream) to perfectionism, to possessions to U-name-it.

AA calls it a ” hole in the soul that the wind blows through”. A large part of the answer has been learning to be grateful for what I (we) have. I’ve been amazed at how much more “what I/we have” became when I learned to be grateful. I am (we are) still learning. I plan to keep learning for as long as I have feet on this planet.

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Paul Byerly December 5, 2014 at 6:16 pm

You are right about needlessly fuelling one’s drive. Porn is certainly one way to do this, but fantasy can do it just as well.
Of course, some of the need comes from things God put in us, which we cannot avoid. Alone on an island with nothing but sand and coconuts, a man would feel a need for release from time to time.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: More Family Than HolidaysMy Profile

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David December 6, 2014 at 8:58 am

My urologist compared it to menstrual cramps. And mild cramps at that. He says that the brain is the largest sex organ and we can train our brain to redirect our thoughts onto something non-sexual. That’s hard to do in today’s sexually satured society. But it can be done. And with God’s help and a lot of prayer, it’s surprizing how low one’s libido really is. I use the ‘bouncing eyes’ method when in public. And my own ‘feast my eyes’ method at home with my wife. Since sex is not a physical need, only a desire, it really is about training the brain to have self control.

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Paul Byerly December 6, 2014 at 1:07 pm

I always find it odd when someone tries to explain a gender specific feeling in terms of a feeling specific to the other gender. Since no one has felt both, it is wild speculation.
I would not describe what I feel as being anything like a cramp. I would agree it is mild. The issue is not the intensity, but the fact is is always there. The bigger issue is the mental and emotional aspects, which (for me) are far more of a problem and far nosier than the body sensation.
Sublimation can work, but it can also backfire. Men who do this in the early years of marriage may find they have no interest or no ability to have more sex when their wife turns 40 and suddenly wants way more sex. The bigger problem is many (I’d say most) men are unable to do this. I have had plenty of emails from men looking for a non-surgical way to end their sex drive and the turmoil it causes them. I even have had a couple men asking if I knew of a doctor who would castrate them just to put them out of their misery. I do not see how a man would be willing to go to such extremes if his experaince was a mild cramp he could ignore.
I’ve talk to men for whom this is a non-issue, and men who say it is destroying their lives and they just want it to stop. Most men are somewhere between the two.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Can She Ask for What Feels Good?My Profile

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El Fury December 10, 2014 at 8:06 am
Charlie O October 1, 2016 at 8:51 am

A man that can have sex with his wife pretty much anytime he wants it then has the ability to move onto what women would consider the more substantive aspects of sexual intimacy. For many married men the physical is screaming so loud that they can’t feel the connectedness and emotional intimacy. The real tragedy to both husband and wife is that women are often cheating themselves and their husbands.

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