Last Friday in When You Really Gotta Go… I tried to explain the frustration, annoyance, and turmoil a man’s sex drive can cause him. (Been some great discussion on the post – thanks!) Today I want to look at what happens when these things become less of an issue for a man.
There are two ways a man’s sex drive becomes less of a problem – age and more sex.
I’ve talked/emailed with men (and women) in their 70’s who still have active sex lives. By active, I mean a couple of times a week to daily (yes, really). Still, these men indicate they are having or feeling the need for less sex than in the past. Men who used to feel frustration at 36 hours now go 48 easy, and 72 without much problem. They still have a drive, and they still feel frustrated if they do not have sex, but it takes longer for them to reach the critical point.
About fifteen years ago, Lori reached a level of healing and understanding resulting in her being willing and able to offer me enough sex to keep my drive satisfied. This had some profound effects on both of us, and on our marriage:
- It was nice to know I could be satisfied. I had been told I was oversexed and selfish, and would never be satisfied. I never fully bought the lie, but it was always in the back of my mind and it worried me from time to time.
- Lori felt much better about herself. She had feared she could never satisfy me, and I can imagine how wonderful it was to find she could.
- I was less distracted in just about every part of my life. Prolonged sexual hunger is like a low-grade fever, always there, always keeping you just a bit off.
- Being open was easier. When sex is iffy, men tend to hold back out of fear they will say or do something which will reduce the chance of sex. I think this becomes a subconscious habit in time, and it can be a big roadblock to emotional intimacy.
- I felt deeply loved and accepted. When she made a point of taking care of me sexually, I felt she understood and accepted me, as I am.
- I become nicer and more willing to do things for Lori. I HATE this one, because I would like to have been that way all along. I never intentionally held back, but human nature is difficult to overcome. When the sex issue was gone, I found doing more for Lori happened without me even thinking about it.
- Sex became less of a big deal for me. I’m not saying my drive changed, it did not. However, I was less concerned about each sex act, and about missing a chance to have sex. There were times she offered and I said no thanks – not because I was uninterested, but because I knew she was tired or needed some non-sexual time with me.
- Related to the above, I stopped worrying so much about getting home before it was too late, or doing so much Lori might be too tried for sex. When missing sex means it could be days before you get another chance, you become rather protective of her time and energy. When you know you won’t be expected to wait too long, you can relax and enjoy life – and give her room to enjoy life.
- Sex became far more enjoyable. I was able to slow down and focus on being there with my wonderful wife. Sex became a part of life, not individual overdue acts.
- Quickies became a nice thing. When you know you can have “full sex” soon, it is easier to cut loose and enjoy fast sex just for the sake of sex.
Good things happen when sex falls into its correct place. Not being sexually hungry all the time helps sex fall into that right place. This is about far more than his sex drive, and changes things well beyond the bedroom.
By the way: Chris, AKA The Forgiven Wife, says some of what I’ve said here in her How Does He Feel Most Loved? post. Check it out to see some of this from a female perspective.
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