Near Daily Sex

January 2, 2015

in Uncategorized

Based on the title, I suspect you’re either thinking “I wish” or “no way”. If it’s the latter, please hear me out – it could make a big difference in your marriage.

What does Near Daily Sex mean?

  • It means both of you are intentional about having sex most days.
  • It means you’re not rigid or legalistic about it – life happens, and some days sex won’t happen.
  • It means a fairly wide definition of “sex”. 

The last of those is critical for this to work. If you have the time for an hour of love making every day, more power to you – most folks are far too busy. Sex can be anything from most of Saturday afternoon, to a quickie, to you do something to him in the shower. It can (and should) mean climax for both of you when you so desire, but it can also be just for him if you’re not particularly interested. This is actually a sticking point for some men because they get weird about sex just for them. If you run into this explain you enjoy sex in many ways, and orgasm is not always required.

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Why would you want to try to have sex of some sort most days?

  • It takes the pressure off the higher drive spouse. No worrying about having sex; there’s enough that an occasional missed day is no big deal.
  • It also takes the pressure off the lower drive spouse because the bar has been lowered with regards to what qualifies as sex. The lower drive spouse can “meet the requirement” far more easily and without fear of complaints.
  • The lower drive spouse is free to decide they want more as any sex act progresses.
  • There is far less pressure for the sex to be great. If it’s mediocre today it’s okay, because it won’t be days and days before you do it again. 
  • There is less mediocre sex because practice does make perfect – or at least much better.
  • Some women find being sexual daily (with or without climax) makes them more interested in sex and able to climax more easily and more powerfully when they choose to do so.
  • It’s good for your marriage. All other things being equal, couples who have more sex have better marriages. (Study after study shows this.)
  • It’s great for mental, emotional and physical health (see here and here for example).
  • He can slow down and give more attention to her pleasure. A lack of sex causes a man to get tunnel vision about his orgasm. When sex happens almost daily he is able to focus more on his wife.
  • Better sleep! Aside from the fact sex relaxes us, any bedtime habit makes sleep easier. If you have sex most nights you’ll likely find yourself falling asleep faster and sleeping better.

I realise this is a scary precedent to set, but it could make a huge difference in your marriage. Odds are you stand to gain far more than you could lose.

And Yes: I know some of you have the higher sex drive in your marriage. All of the above still applies. I also know some of you can’t imagine sex without climax – I’m not suggesting you try that if you have no interest.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I know a lot of men will read this and think “I wish!”

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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Amy January 2, 2015 at 4:15 pm

I laughed out loud when I read the little disclaimer you put at the end because I was all ready to jump on here and say, “hey wait a minute, some of us wives are the higher drive and NOT have an orgasm every time? I don’t think so!” LOL

Near daily sex sounds divine and reading all these marriage blogs about having such frequent sex used to really bring me down because it’s just not how it is in my marriage and probably won’t be. My hubby is older than me and needs at least a couple days recovery time if you will in between lovemaking and when he’s working (log truck driver) his long hours make sex during the week virtually impossible.

But these days, after communicating my needs and desires with him I’m better able to not feel so frustrated because I’ve come to see that the real issue was more about unmet expectations I had set for myself regarding what I thought the frequency of sex should be in our marriage. I also realized part of my frustration was feeling he did desire me much anymore when really he is just exhausted and has a lower drive, so I’ve let him know that on occasion I just need to hear that I’m still desirable to him even if he is too tired or not as in the mood as I am…I need a raincheck. ;)
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Paul Byerly January 2, 2015 at 8:10 pm

I know better!

Glad to hear you were able to dig into things and find the truth.

I’ll have to check out your blog a bit. Already learned you live in a fantastically beautiful place!
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R. January 2, 2015 at 5:04 pm

You’re 100% right on all counts! My wife and I have been practicing not only daily sex, but very often TWICE daily sex, for the better part of the last two years. Let me explain: we make it a point to be naked together every morning before we start our day, and again at night before going to sleep – failing to connect in this way is just not an option except in unusual circumstances (sickness, for example, but even then….) At bare (no pun intended) minimum, we hold each other and cuddle and kiss, but usually it’s a lot more than that, typically turning into between 30 and 60 minutes of various sex acts and positions (and no, we don’t go in for anything weird). But orgasm is usually NOT the primary goal. My wife tries to make sure I don’t go more than 3 or 4 days without one. I typically don’t manage to get her off more than once every week or two – but then it’s usually at least two orgasms, and sometimes three(or more!). In addition, we sometimes have an “afternoon delight” as well. We both absolutely love this! It DOES take the pressure off, and makes it all much more enjoyable. Sure, it’s not always “great” sex, but you’d be surprised at how consistently great sex is when you do it this way. And BTW, I’m 58 and she’s almost 53 – Oh, that’s right: people over 40 don’t have sex, do they? ;-).

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Paul Byerly January 2, 2015 at 8:13 pm

As we age we learn sex is far more than physical pleasure, and that the physical pleaser is far more than orgasm. Makes sex so much better!
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Abby Jensen January 3, 2015 at 11:09 am

I’ve been married for 3 months, and we’re going strong in the sex department :-). Sometimes it’s hard for me because I still get quite sore. My husband and I seem to be about equally matched in the sex drive department. He probably has a stronger drive and orgasms more often, but I just love being with him that way, even if I don’t finish.

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Paul Byerly January 3, 2015 at 1:02 pm

If you are not using lube, try some, it might help a lot. The other thing is to be consistent. If you go longer than usual, you will be far more likely to get sore. You can also learn to pleasure each other by hand.
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Lina January 8, 2015 at 7:37 am

Married for 5 months and entered into that with no experience, low drives and a copy of the “Good Girl’s Guide”. At first (don’t tell my husband!) I was thinking, oh, gee, I hope this isn’t going to be happening all the time – because of what you mention. Have learned, to both my and his pleasure, to start with a LOT of other activities and then there is less of the more uncomfortable part. He is happy and I am happy because, like Abby, I love being with him that way. Great way to phrase it!

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Annonymous January 7, 2015 at 9:02 am

The only hard part about articles like this is that it is just not possible for everyone and so for those of us who fall into that category it actually makes us sad. I feel like I am missing out on this great thing, daily sex. We are all in different stages of life, work, kids, etc. and I would have loved for you to have spoken more to that. Military, firemen, police officers, people that work really hard for others, often sacrafice more than people realize. Daily sex is one of them :(

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Paul Byerly January 7, 2015 at 11:07 am

Certainly a valid issue. If some, or many days, are automatically a no go, I’d say there needs to be an extra focus on the days it is possible. Of course this goes for the relationship in general, and for all kinds of intimacy.
A lot of men are fine with a feast and famine type approach to sex, going a number of days without then doing it several times in a day or two. Other men have problems with this. From what I’ve read and heard, such an on and off sex diet is a problem for many women, but I have no doubt there are exceptions.
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Frustrated wife January 19, 2015 at 1:18 pm

I agree with you annonymous — these type of articles about daily or very near daily sex always sadden me. You’d think I’d stop reading them by now! LOL
As a high drive wife, who unfortunately is feeling her desire slowly dissolve away, I would give anything for more frequent lovemaking in my marriage. But when you have a hubby who works really long hours during the week and the only time available is the weekend, which then needs to be carefully planned out around my teen son who lives with us — well, twice a week is amazing if it happens! And when it does happen, well, it’s fantastic! And just to be clear — my hubby is an amazing unselfish lover who tries hard to help me achieve an orgasm each time, but sometimes this darn body needs a little more warming up and I know I’m taking too long, so I often just give in and help him finish. I often think part of the issue with him not being as interested in lovemaking is how long it takes me and he doesn’t want to work so hard every time.

I do often wonder what kind of life many of these people have where sex happens not only daily, but even twice daily. And I believe strongly that sex is vital to a strong marriage, and have seen evidence in my own marriage on the rare occasions of near daily sex during hubby’s time off work where we are drawn closer together because of such frequent sexual intimacy. But honestly, near daily sex is NOT the norm for many couples and for me has caused a lot of heartache hoping for something that just isn’t likely to happen for us.
My expectations often destroy finding the happiness in the time we do have together.

I think if we had a higher frequency of lovemaking where I’d know sex would happen again soon, I would not feel so let down when the one weekly encounter may end up being more about my hubby. It leaves me frustrated and impatiently waiting for the next time so maybe I can get there too.

I’ve decided this year to try hard to find contentment in the times together we do have and be more positive even if an encounter ends up just for hubby. Guess that’s called being less selfish, huh? ;)

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El Fury January 15, 2015 at 6:26 am

Daily sex is probably the best thing for a marriage other than accepting Christ :) Linked to this post here.
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Dan January 15, 2015 at 11:22 pm

Women are less inclined to talk about sex in a public forum than men so I get quite a few emails from them. Frequent sex is among the many things they write about. Those who attempt daily to almost daily sex invariably comment on how it has changed their marriage and their sex life for the better. They go on to write how it saddens them that there are women out there who “don’t get it”; who are resistant to listening, learning and trying. They also realize that sex isn’t only intercourse and isn’t necessarily about both of them at the same time. They also say frequency has solved their lack of desire. The more sex they have, the more they are willing and desirous of having it. It’s great to hear this, but hard to sell it.
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Paul Byerly January 16, 2015 at 10:18 am

Plenty of good reasons to try, and plenty of women who say they are glad they did, but I still understand why many women are fearful. What if they don’t like it? They have proven they can, and hubby will not be okay with going back to less sex. All kind of fears and injuries from the past can also get in the way.
For some it is as easy as deciding to do it. For others there is far more work involved. Either way I think it’s a good way to go, but not always easy.
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