Why Isn’t This a Thing?

February 20, 2015

in Uncategorized

This post will be a bit different, so a couple of things up front:

  1. If the term “handjob” makes you uncomfortable, skip this post.
  2. If he has a lower drive, see my comment at the bottom.
  3. While I am making a suggestion here, my reason for this post is primarily to ask a question. I’d appreciate you hitting the survey link at the end and educating me.

Hand and question mark © nicotombo | dollarphotoclub.com

The Problem: You want sex once or twice a week; he wants it much more often. 

The Obvious Solution(?): Make love when you want to, and take care of him by hand the rest of the time.

The Advantages:

  • It doesn’t take a lot of time – 5 minutes is plenty for most guys. Even if you want sex once a week and he wants it daily it’s only costing you half an hour a week.
  • It’s not as messy as sex. Wash your hands, or clean up with a towel, and you’re done.
  • When you do have full sex, you’re both engaged, making it better for both of you.
  • He stops feeling denied.
  • You stop getting nagged.

The Problems: This is where I want to hear from you. I have some theories, which will show up in the survey choices, but I want to know what you think. The survey is for husbands and wives where he wants more sex than she wants.

The Flip Side: If your drive is higher than his is, I totally think he should be giving you handjobs. Granted it will probably cost him a bit more time, but I think you’re totally worth it.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and it makes total sense to me.

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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

Jerry Stumpf February 20, 2015 at 6:29 am

Sex is a strange activity. NO I don’t mean the actualy performance, I mean the emotional & intelectual baggage we attach to it.

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Jerry Stumpf February 20, 2015 at 6:38 am

Sorry – I hit the back button and did not realize it listed the first part!

Sex is a strange activity. I don’t mean the actual activity, I am referring to the emotional drama we go through to openly discuss such an enjoyable intimate time between each partner who has vowed to give up all to make this life-time commintment to each other.

Then we get in bed and we become self-centered. Not purposely, it’s just that each partner, low-drive and high drive, will not actually listen to the other person or share with their partner what ther need genuinelly are.

Ask the high drive partner if a “hand-job” every few days will satisfy their needs. You might find the conversation enlightening.

I look forwad to seeing the survey responses.
Jerry Stumpf recently posted…7 Questions Every Married Couple Should Ask Each Other To Improve Their MarriageMy Profile

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Lina February 20, 2015 at 7:14 am

Why don’t we have more appealing names for non-P in V sexual activity?

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Paul Byerly February 20, 2015 at 2:14 pm

Because men came up with most of the terms?

It’s not my first choice, but it’s the one most will understand without explanation.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Is Your Peer Pressure Positive or Negative?My Profile

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T February 23, 2015 at 6:49 am

I’ve seen it collectively referred to as “outercourse.”

P in V isn’t exactly an appealing name, either. I’ve never seen an appealing name for any kind of specific sexual activity, unless you count “making love” which includes all of it.

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Kathy February 20, 2015 at 6:08 pm

As a higher drive wife, I’ve asked. Nope. So while this may be an answer for some, it certainly isn’t for many. And while I’m on this soapbox, statistics are quoted that as many as 25% of marriages, the wife is the higher drive spouse. But believe me, we don’t get advice or acknowledgement anywhere near 25% if the time. Even in blogs such as yours that address sexual issues directly and without apology, the emphasis is almost always on the higher drive husband. Why is that? I’d really like to know.

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Paul Byerly February 21, 2015 at 11:01 am

I’m well aware of how common this is – I’ve been quoting the statistic since it was 15%. I wrote “How to Get Him to Want Sex” – (originally “How to turn on a sexually indifferent husband”) almost a decade ago. Over on The Generous Husband I’ve told men they need to take care of their wife when she wants sex, even if they do not. And I generally acknowledge it here when I mention differences in sex drive.
I’d like to do more, but honestly I don’t know what to do. I have a pretty good understanding of many of the reasons women say no to sex, but for men I honestly don’t know. Men are far less willing to discuss not wanting sex. Aside from generally not being as into talking about personal things, there’s usually shame because men are “supposed to be” horny 24/7. It’s difficult to find a man who will talk about saying no to sex with his wife.
I suspect porn and/or masturbation are a major factor, but for some men neither of these is an issue. Past abuse can be an issue, but that’s something else men don’t talk about. I think stress and being too busy are a part of the problem for most men. There are also claims that environmental toxins are lowering men’s sex drives – but I’ve not seen good data on that.
In short, I don’t know what else to do.
Paul Byerly recently posted…What if Gatekeepers Are Victims?My Profile

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Amy February 21, 2015 at 1:59 pm

I’m also a higher drive wife and it can get very frustrating waiting and waiting and waiting some more until my husband is ready to make love. And the thing is, when we do, it’s absolutely amazing and mind blowing. Each giving to the other and truly enjoying the time, but once a week, maybe twice is all that he seems to want.

I’ve questioned whether I just take too long and he says I take the right amount of time; I’m questioned if it’s just too much work and he says it’s not work at all; and I’ve wondered silently if I’m just that desirable to him any longer, but yet he constantly tells me how pretty I am and takes delight in my body.

For us, I think there are several factors at play…it’s not real black and white, is it ever??
My hubby is almost 60 and deals with ED due to blood pressure meds and lower libido due to long work hours. I’m almost 50 and feel I’m just hitting my prime. This is a second marriage for both of us…my first marriage to an abusive man for 20 years and my hubby in a 19 year marriage with a gate-keeping wife.

I have never said no to him and truly enjoy sex, and he has said to me how nice it is to know he can have sex whenever he wants without being turned down. That sort of stung because I feel like whenever I ask for sex I’m almost always turned down…and I voiced that to him a couple weeks ago when my frustration spilled over into lots of tears. It actually shocked him to hear me say that.

I think for my hubby he feels very stable in our relationship, knows he will not have to beg for sex and just doesn’t have the strong drive for it as often as I do.

So last week I tried doing something different, instead of my usual meltdown, shutdown mode that was not working too well ;), and I really focused each and every day on the positive. How hard he works to provide for us and how very much he loves and cares for me in a way I’ve haven’t known most of my life. I kept reminding myself that all I have to do is share my feelings and thoughts with him and he will listen.

And this worked out pretty well when last night I found myself pulling away from him out of sadness and frustration that nothing was likely to happen because my son was home (my 19-year-old son lives with us) and it’s been over a week. Instead I decided to cuddle into him while watching t.v., give him a serious kiss and express my disappointment to hubby over the fact my son was home for the evening because I had really wanted to make love. Hubby shared my sentiment.
So hubby headed to bed at 8pm since he’d been up since 3am and surprisingly when I came to bed a few hours later he woke up and what resulted ended up being just for me — we’ll take care of him later today when he gets home. My speaking up and sharing with him in a loving non emotional way of missing our intimate times resulted him making an effort despite how exhausted he was.

I wish I had better answers too, but for me at least I have found that changing my attitude seems to be helping. He doesn’t feel I’m just constantly frustrated and angry at him for not wanting to make love and he would rather I speak up about something that’s bothering me rather than stuff it.

Now we’ll see if I can keep up with my changed approach and see if that makes any difference for us.
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Paul Byerly February 21, 2015 at 9:35 pm

So glad he heard you! I know you’ve told him before, but this time you pushed enough for him to get it. Thank him repeatedly for what he did for you, and don’t be afraid to ask if he will do something just for you the next time he’s not up for it.
I know some men his age will have sex more often then they feel able, and only climax every other time. For some this works great, and makes it better when they do finish. Others find it frustrating. It might be worth mentioning.
Thanks for sharing, I’m sure it will help someone else!

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Amy February 22, 2015 at 9:38 am

My hubby tends to fall in the first group where he is often fine, or at least says so, about not finishing every time.
With my changed attitude our weekend has been much more fun than usual!
I’m working hard on being content with less frequency and learning to completely let go and enjoy the time we do have together sexually.
Amy recently posted…Paradoxical thinkingMy Profile

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Lina February 24, 2015 at 7:41 am

I’m really looking forward to seeing the results of the survey when it’s done. Will that go on the Marriage Bed? My husband and I enjoy the surveys and comments. It gives us a lot to talk about, and sometimes a few laughs…

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Paul Byerly February 25, 2015 at 11:45 am

I am running it as a TMB survey starting today to get more responses. So I will post it on TMB. I’ll also write about it here – probably March 20th

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Sally February 25, 2015 at 4:18 pm

I’m thinking most husbands want more with their wife than just a release twice a week or whatever. ?? Mine wants ME, not just an ejaculation. Which is a good thing. :)

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Paul Byerly February 25, 2015 at 5:12 pm

Absolutely they want more, but if they are not even getting that they are in a very bad place.
I am not suggesting this so he ejaculates twice a week, I am suggesting it so he ejaculates a few more times a week. Sure, he’d rather have full sex with her enjoying it too every day, but if twice a week is the most that happens he will likely jump at the offer of her hand IN ADDITION to the twice a week love-making.
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Lina February 26, 2015 at 4:55 am

Well, it is a good thing when our husbands want ‘us’ but sometimes, like yesterday morning, I need to get up and get to work and it would be less disruptive for me to do ‘man’-ual stimulation, but he says no if it isn’t followed with intercourse.

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El Fury February 26, 2015 at 7:28 am

Is a hand job easier than other forms of quickies? Seems like they’re among the least intimate ways for a husband and wife to engage. I doubt any husband would hesitate to accept a bj.
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Lina February 26, 2015 at 1:45 pm

Well, mine always accepts but he still wants the whole enchilada afterward. Also, the ‘hand job’ can be pretty intimate if one uses one’s hand and other body parts. On occasion my DH thinks he has ‘done it’ but it was just a ‘hand job’. (Gee, we need nicer words!)

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Paul Byerly February 26, 2015 at 3:24 pm

Manual sex gets a bad rap these days, but done well it can be both intimate and powerfully pleasurable.
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Paul Byerly February 26, 2015 at 3:23 pm

I’m sure very few men would turn down oral, but it is a much bigger effort for the woman. Likely takes longer, and certainly takes more physical effort. For men it’s also more emotional/mental commitment.
Beyond that, some women are fine doing oral as part of sex for both of them, but feel use when they do it just for him. The same can happen with manual sex, but it’s far less common.
Quickie intercourse is very low effort physically, but all the other things I said about oral can be an issue. The other problem is it can make intercourse less special.
Paul Byerly recently posted…The REAL NeedMy Profile

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Anonymous April 24, 2015 at 6:05 pm

Ladies, if you think giving him a HJ or BJ is “just physical” I assure you, you’re doing it wrong. That was the case with my first husband. I was immature and inexperienced and had a “let’s get this over with” attitude. It turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy and became only physical. Fortunately, I’ve learned a lot since then and my second marriage has benefited. If you’re giving him a gift, give him a gift! Bring all the love you have to it. Put on your bedroom eyes. Talk dirty to him. Wiggle around. The more you get into it, the more connection there will be. It’s only a couple minutes, give it your all. Be careful though – if you get too into it, afterwards you may discover that you’re up for something, too. ;-)

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