I had a friend who didn’t feel hunger. When she had a boyfriend and lived with a roommate, she ate when either of them ate, and did fine. Then in a couple of months’ time, she and her boyfriend ended it and she move into an apartment alone. She ended up in the hospital due to not eating! She wasn’t anorexic, she simply did not have hunger to reminder her to eat. After the hospital stay, she developed ways to be sure she ate enough.
Many women don’t have a sex drive the same way my friend did not feel hunger. A number of studies have shown many women don’t have a spontaneous sex drive, and many others have a spontaneous drive only on occasion*. Research is ongoing, but it’s looking like spontaneous sex drive is mostly a male thing.
This is not to say women don’t want, desire, or enjoy sex; it just means they don’t get horny at the drop of a hat. You husband gets turned on seeing you naked. He gets turned on thinking of you naked. The sight of your panties on the floor gets him going. In fact, the thought of your panties on the floor may be enough! While there are women who react similarly, they are few, and it seems this is God’s design, not some problem to be fixed.
For most women (and a very few men) sex is responsive. A bit of kissing or flirting can get them going. Some light making out is even better. Foreplay is a sure path to arousal. Most women need something like this to get their sex drive in gear. Not because they’re broken, because it’s how God created female sexuality.
Unfortunately, we’ve taken what’s normal for men and declared it normal for everyone, male and female. We then use that to label most women as broken. This is why so many women think they are sexually broken. Truth is the vast majority of these women are exactly as God intended. The only problem is they and their husbands have bought into a lie.
If you and your husband reject this lie, things will change wonderful ways. You will be free of the expectation to do something you weren’t designed to do. You and your husband both get to stop thinking you’re broken, and can start to explore sex as God intended it to be.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and things got a lot better when I stopped expecting my wife to have a male sex drive.
* There are variations, of course. Ovulation causes spontaneous sex drive in some women. It also seems spontaneous drive is increasingly common as women age.
Reprocess: Desire In Women: Does It Lead To Sex? Or Result From It? | Psychology Today