He’s Never Been A Woman

March 9, 2015

in Uncategorized

Your husband has never been a woman. He has never dealt with being a woman in our society, and as such he lacks understanding of some things you and every other woman knows to be true. He does not understand the gender inequity you face. He can’t empathise with feeling threatened or scared in situations which pose no danger for him. He’s never been talked down to or ignored because he’s female. He’s never felt half naked while fully clothed just because he has breasts. He has never been seen as stupid or irrelevant simply because he has children. He does not understand the things you struggle with because you are not as strong or as tall as he is. 

Worried woman © highwaystarz | dollarphotoclub.com As a man, I have not experienced these things either, but as the paragraph above hopefully shows, I have learned they are real. I don’t have to fully grasp these things to believe they exist. I don’t have to experience them to be upset my wife and other women deal with them. I can see how wrong these things are even though they are never aimed at me.

The reason I “get it” is because I’ve listened to women. I’ve had female friends since high school, and I listened to what they said. As I heard similar things over, and over I accepted them as truth.

The more women talk about these things, the more men will get it. Yes, share these realities with your husband, but go further. Share them with your sons, and with your friends, and with anyone who will listen. Getting men to believe these things are true requires them hearing the truth from many women. You can’t change anyone, but you can be one of many voices for everyone around you. With enough voices, more men will “get it”.

He’s never been a woman, and he never will be, but you can help him better understand what it means to be a woman. With understanding comes empathy. Imagine what happens when understanding and empathy connect with a man’s natural desire to protect women!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I hate seeing women belittled or mistreated! 

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Jerry Stumpf March 9, 2015 at 11:01 am

Paul, this would be a good article to print out and give to a wife so she can give her husband non-threatening feedback

Since men often lack the tact to bring up these real issues which women too often encounter, it could be a point of open communication.

I am always on the look out for ways to get one spouse to see the other spouse’s viewpoint.

Your point “The reason I ‘get it’ is because I’ve listened to women.” is spot on. I guess that’s what made me look at this as a tool for couples to look behind each other’s eyes!

Jerry
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Paul Byerly March 10, 2015 at 7:44 am

Good thought. We can also learn by listening when other women speak and trying to put ourselves in their shoes.
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libl March 9, 2015 at 11:40 am

I am striving to teach my boys these realities and how they apply to them as future gentlemen. My husband doesn’t empathize and thinks we women are just being dramatic and man-bashing feministic. As if getting out of speeding tickets and getting free drinks at the bar simply for looking cute makes up for all the real world garbage we deal with. I’m not saying being a man is easy, either, but being a woman is tough in so many ways.

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Paul Byerly March 10, 2015 at 7:47 am

Once we think some group of people are “just whining” we pretty much ignore what they say. This means we lose the ability to learn we are wrong. Never a good thing in my mind.
Hang in there with your boys. It may seem you are doing little good now, but you are putting truth in their minds. Someday when they heard similar things from other girls/women it will become far more real to them.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Are You Prostituting Yourself?My Profile

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ptah maat March 9, 2015 at 5:20 pm

I read this article and I do agree but, I want to overstand evenot more. I listen to my wife constantly, and you are correct on the point that the same thing is said over and over …so I ask u as a man….how many times do I.listen to the same thing or better yet how do u really to her with words and actions that I get it. As a man its very easy to listen but it’s hard to understand sometimes when u have promoted to your spouse that you understand and empathize with her and all issues….I agree with my wife on so many levels only to be spoken to bout the same thing over and over aagain. how can I continue to subjecate myself to her talking but at the same time relay to her that I get It…I’ve gotten it…..help me out please hope this comment wasn’t too vague

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libl March 10, 2015 at 6:06 am

A kitchen sink leaks. Your wife talks about the leak to you frequently. Finally, it gets repaired and no longer leaks. If she still talks about it leaking, you can respectfully point out it is repaired and please stop talking about it.

Unfortunately, in the case of the continual drip of societal, cultural, and natural problems, difficulties, and dangers of being a woman, it never gets fixed.

Best you can do is patch it up by listening, supporting, encouraging, and protecting your bride, and doing what you can to change the world. A husband who’s wife feels trepidation walking past a construction site every day for work isn’t going to feel comforted by her husband’s words if he himself makes a woman feel uncomfortable by his froward actions. Be the change in men women and children need…and part of that is being supportive and vocal.

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Paul Byerly March 10, 2015 at 7:43 am

ptah maat, I think libl has nailed it.
The issue is likely her not feeling heard. Maybe you heard the words, but did you hear her heart? Do you do things showing you heard her heart?
If you hear and respond in both words and actions, then the issue is not you, rather she does not feel heard in general.
The other possibility is she is desperately trying to make conversation, and uses the only things she has. In this case you can help by having things to discuss with her. She needs to talk with you not just to tell you what is going on; she also needs to talk regularly to feel connected.
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Dan March 10, 2015 at 11:17 pm

Agree with Libl’s approach. I think it can be more effective than any other thing done, especially with a supportive husband. A son has empathy with his mother and if she relates her stories of disappointment and pain to him, he will project her feelings onto other women and not want to see them suffering as his mother has. I can remember walking alone from the Garden District to the Sugar Dome in NO in the dark of night and having no fear. I can see now, even as a male, it was foolish but I was younger and stronger. But NO woman would dare to do that alone, even in the daylight. Too many things can happen too fast that will affect their lives forever. Even verbal harassment.
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