The first thing I would ask is “does he really hate you?” Because men and women use different words and process things differently, a woman may read hate where it does not exist. Certainly if she feels he hates her, there are real problems. However if a woman says, “Why do you hate me” to a husband who does not hate her, she has blocked conversation because he will either get defensive or ignore what he sees as a stupid question. Ascribing emotions to another can prevent getting to, much less dealing with, the truth. Rather than “Why do you hate me” I’d go with “Do you hate me”. Then follow up with things such as “Do I upset or disappoint you.”
My second thought is if a man really hates his wife, odds are it’s not about her. Sometimes it is about the wife, but I suspect that’s the exception. If it’s not about her, it’s about him, and human nature is to blame others, so he likely tells himself and others it’s all her fault.
Reasons a man may hate his wife – things that have little or nothing to do with her:
- He’s got mommy issues. Yes it’s psychobabble 101, but there’s a reason for that. There are a number of ways a mother can mess up her son, and getting past those can take a good deal of time and effort. If he’s not dealt with his “mother wound” you will almost certainly become a proxy for his mother.
- His life sucks, and blaming his wife is easier than admitting his own faults and failings.
- He think his wife is holding him back. It may be she is, but more often than not, this is an excuse.
- Being a decent husband and father limits him. A married man shouldn’t be doing some things that are fine for a single man to do. Unfortunately, many men don’t understand the extent of this when they decide to marry. As they come to realise “what they gave up” they may feel cheated.
- He’s trying to justify ending the marriage.
A woman can make any of these things better or worse by her choices and actions. In some cases she’s not the initial cause of the issue, but may be guilty of it none-the-less.
Reasons a man may hate his wife – things that may have something do with her:
- A lack of respect. This is huge for men. It causes hurt, anger, and withdrawal. Ultimately, it can lead to hatred.
- Nagging. This slowly gets under a man’s skin and eats away at him.
- He feels second to the children. Or maybe it’s not a feeling, maybe she has flat out told him the kids are more important to her than he is.
- Lack of sex. Short term this is annoying; when it goes on for years and decades it destroys his love for his wife. Most men will tolerate this a long time then “suddenly” decide they can’t take it anymore.
- Overspending. Even worse is the woman who spends too much while complaining about how little her husband makes.
While all of these could be the fault of the woman, they could also be him misreading the situation or applying unfair standards. Rarely are these all in his mind, but his mind may make them worse than they are.
For more on this topic, check out 5 Possible Reasons A Wife Feels Her Husband Hates Her, a video by Love and Respect’s Emerson Eggerichs.
[See here for the origin of this post]