Why Does My Husband Lie?

March 27, 2015

in Uncategorized

Men lie for the same reasons women lie: to protect themselves or get what they want.

Man with long nose from lying © alphaspirit | dollarphotoclub.com

If you have children, you know most kids lie without even thinking about it. You ask if they ate a cookie and half a cookie in hand and crumbs falling out of their mouth as they speak, they, “No.” When we’re caught, we lie to avoid dealing with the consequences of our actions. We’re supposed to grow up and stop doing this, but it remains an option and we can easily default to it without even thinking about it.

On a deeper level, lying is about fear. We’re afraid of what others will do if they know the truth. If we feel shame over our actions, we assume others will shame and punish us for what we did. If you can’t deal with the consequences you imagine, you lie. Learning to offer appropriate grace will help with this; it’s easier to admit the truth when you know you won’t be emotionally executed for your crime.

Men also lie to avoid talking about things they don’t want to talk about. This is why men fail to mention health problems to their wives – they don’t want to think about them, must less have a long drawn out conversation. I suspect wanting to avoid too many words is a common reason men withhold things, and lying is just a step past withholding. I’m not justifying this, but being aware of his discomfort discussing things could help. He may be willing to admit the truth and talk about it a bit, but unwilling to have a several hour or day discussion.

Another reason me lie is to protect their wife. I’ve talked with men who hid impending bankruptcy from their wives for as long as possible. Others don’t confess porn use or adultery to “protect” their wife. Obviously, there is a lot of self-protection going on here, but not wanting to hurt her is a part of his thinking.

Men also lie and withhold information to improve their odds of getting something they want from their wife, with sex being a common example. “If I share this bad news, we won’t have sex tonight,” he reasons – possibly correctly. If sex doesn’t occur for several days, he may keep putting it off. Once the couple has sex he may feel it’s been so long he can’t tell her. Another version of this is saying an event he wants to attend will be over at 5 PM when he knows it will be 7 PM at the earliest. He thinks his wife will protest his going if he says he will get home late, so he lies. He decides going and dealing with the fall out is easier than dealing with her reaction if he tells the truth up front.

Bottom Line: There are no acceptable reasons for lying; if he’s lying it’s on him. However, you can do things to give him less reason to lie. 

[See here for the origin of this post]

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m working hard to keep my nose short!

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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Anonymous March 27, 2015 at 4:11 am

Things they don’t want to talk about – I see more avoidance than lying. I wish I knew how to help, when something is obviously so difficult for my husband that he pushes it away. He can’t talk about it much or explain to me why he does this. He has some financial business he needs to take care of; he’s asked me not to ‘nag’ him about it; he keeps putting it off. Meanwhile his family asks me can’t I get him to do something. He seems to think that if he puts it off, it will go away by itself.

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Paul Byerly March 27, 2015 at 11:00 am

Avoidance and lying are not the same, but avoidance can result in lying.

As to your situation, my guess, based on having been in the same place and acting the same way, is he does not have the emotional energy to do what needs to be done. If this is the case he is likely being drained in many ways.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Memory BoxMy Profile

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Anonymous March 27, 2015 at 11:46 am

thanks, that helps me understand.

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Lori March 27, 2015 at 12:13 pm

Sorry for the confusion in commenting. For some reason when my husband posts, it uses my login instead of his.
Lori recently posted…Memory BoxMy Profile

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Paul Byerly March 28, 2015 at 10:27 am

Fixed it now. Gotta watch that!

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