I have had several questions about oral sex, one via comments, the others by email.
From a comment: I had a question I wanted to ask, but you know what – I asked my husband instead. I wanted to know why, when I give OS, he goes bananas, which he does not do with PIV, but he says he likes PIV better. He said that the OS is an ‘ecstatic’ experience but the PIV is more satisfying, we hold one another, etc. He makes so much noise during OS that the neighbors must think I’m killing him, and I worry about that myself, LOL! Is this normal? I like it, by the way.
Via email: The other day my husband had an orgasm during OS, which surprised me because he never lets me go so far (he’s had prostate surgery, so he doesn’t ejaculate). He said he doesn’t ever want me to do that again because “it takes too long” – I don’t get it, he was enjoying it and I didn’t mind doing it. … He said he was ‘sore’ …
I also had an email asking why it’s such a big deal to him and wondering if it can possibly be as great as he says.
The commenter’s husband shows something I find often, even though it’s contrary to what some expect form men; he sees sex as more than physical. Intercourse touches his body, his mind, his emotions, even his spirit. The physical pleasure of intercourse may not be the best possible orgasm he can have, but the whole experience is far better than anything else he does sexually. I see this as a mature response, one more common for men well past puberty. It’s also more common among sexually satisfied men. When a man’s body is screaming for release it’s difficult for him to be aware of, must less care about, things like emotions and feeling close.
Oral sex is a completely different experience than other sex acts. The sensation is both more and less. The physical pleasure of the act is intense, but the stimulation in terms of moving towards orgasm can be less. This is why some men who beg for oral sex find it difficult to climax; it feels great, but it doesn’t move them to orgasm as quickly as other sex acts. It’s sort of like a rich chocolate mousse – very enjoyable, but not very filling.
Another thing about oral sex is it is usually a one-way deal. You give, he receives. Of course, he can do it for you before or after, but doing it simultaneously is rather rare. He gets to lie back (literally or figuratively) and receive while you focus on making him feel as good as possible. What’s not to love about such a deal? No worries about how you’re doing, or if he’ll climax too soon, he can just relax and enjoy. Ironically this can be a problem for some men, making them feel guilty or fear they are using their wife.
I also think there is something about oral related to how men feel about their penises. Men tend to personify their penis in a way I don’t see women do with any part of their body. Love me, love my penis may sound strange to you, but most men feel exactly this way. Taking his penis into your mouth seems exceptionally intimate and deeply accepting. Many men see it as a more personal than any other sex act.
As to getting sore, this is more common than you might expect, especially for uncircumcised men. The mouth isn’t as soft as the vagina, and saliva isn’t as lubricating as vaginal lubrication. There’s also the whole teeth thing. Oral sex can get rather vigorous, and as noted above he may need a good deal of it to climax. All of this can lead to roughing him up a bit. Thing is he won’t feel it during the act because our bodies mute pain signals during sex, so he may not feel sore until the next morning. Most men find it more than worth it. If you do oral regularly, he’ll toughen up and it will stop being an issue.
Some men find it difficult or impossible to climax from oral. If your husband is this way, don’t assume it’s your fault. Aside from the physical limits some men experience, he may be hung up about it mentally. He wants you to finish him by mouth, but he also worries about how you’ll react, and may worry he shouldn’t want to climax in your mouth.
The best way to make oral great for him is to be very positive about it. If he thinks you like his penis and can’t wait to get it into your mouth, he’ll be able to relax and enjoy. If either of you is unsure, start with a bit of oral during foreplay and work up from there.
Finally, for most men oral is the surest, fastest way to get an erection – especially if you use some suction.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and anything I write here is going to get me in trouble!