Why Does My Husband Want Me to Initiate Sex?

April 17, 2015

in Uncategorized

You would think if a woman never said no to sex, her husband would be thrilled, right? Not so.

I hear from men who know they can have sex any time it’s reasonable, yet they don’t ask long after they really want it because they want their wife to do the asking. I also hear from women who don’t say no frustrated because their husband keeps asking them to initiate. 

Subtle seduction © Bacho Foto | dollarphotoclub.com

Why does it matter so much to him who asks as long as he has sex?

  1. He wants to be desired. He wants you to want him sexually. For him sexual desire is a compliment, and he want to both give and receive the compliment.
  2. He needs to know you want sex too. There’s a story of a couple talking to a counsellor. She says “I never said no to sex” and he replies, “You never said yes either”. Sex is relational, which means it’s just no fun when only one person is enjoying it. 
  3. He wants to be seduced. He wants you to tease and arouse him. Sometimes hours before the sex, sometimes in a “right now” sort of way.
  4. Initiating is risky. Even if you say yes most of the time, asking for sex is risky. Even if you haven’t said no in a long time, he may recall when you did. When you ask, he’s not putting himself at risk.
  5. He wants it to be when and how you want it. If you initiate, sex will be when you want it. If you do more than just asking and suggest how you want to have sex, he knows you’re doing it the way you really want to do it.
  6. He wants to be pampered. Most men (99% I suspect) want sex occasionally to be just about them. Asking for such sex defeats the purpose!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I love it when she asks for sex!

Related: Julie of Intimacy in Marriage has a post along the same lines in The Sexiest Thing You Can Do for Your Husband. Check it out.

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

sunny-dee April 19, 2015 at 4:29 pm

I’m in the frequently-rejected camp. My husband asked me to stop trying to initiate, so … yeah… this doesn’t really apply to me, but it does make me think of something,

I’ve seen blogs about women who were refusers / gatekeepers who have since become sex-positive. Is there anything similar for men who were (or are) refusers? Or do you ever hear anything from those men? I would love some insight into what’s going on in my husband’s head. I am to the point where I accept that I can’t change anything, and most of the time I’m okay with it. But I would love to understand the way he ticks a little better.


Paul Byerly April 20, 2015 at 11:28 am

The men like this are conspicuously silent. Given how deeply engrained sex is to male identity, I understand this. Admitting to saying no to sex is a very difficult thing for a man.

The only men I’ve talked to who used to refuse their wives are those who had a serious porn problem, some with the added issue of masturbating multiple times a day. While this is a part of the demographic, it’s not the whole. I really don’t have a handle on these men as a group. Do most of them masturbate, or are many of them just not doing anything? Do they feel no desire, or do they have conflicts which keep them from acting on desire they have? I suspect some of all and other things too, but it would be nice to have some idea how common each is.
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sunny-dee April 20, 2015 at 11:46 am

I have no idea if this helps, but I know absolutely that my husband isn’t into porn, and I don’t believe he masturbates. If so, it’s not frequent. But he does have a significant sexual history, and I was a virgin when we married, and I have wondered if that feeds into it at all. I can’t tell if he feels no desire for me (Madonna / whore? habit from when we were dating and didn’t have sex?) or if he feels no desire at all.


Paul Byerly April 23, 2015 at 11:36 am

He may not even know himself, which would make it impossible for him to tell you. It would likely take some digging with the help of a third party to find, much less deal with the issue.

Sad how our past can mess us, and our spouse, up so much.


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