I find women are much more aware of the mental reality of sex than most men are. Because our bodies’ sexual reactions are so easy, obvious, and powerful, men tend to think sex is all, or almost all, about our bodies. This doesn’t mean we’re sexually unaffected by what’s going on between our ears, but it does mean we tend to be oblivious to it. What we don’t know can and does hurt us – and our wives. I’ve touched on some of these issues in several or the “Why does my husband want ____” posts.
Today I’d like to challenge you a bit on how your thoughts and feeling may be hurting or limiting you and your sex life with your husband. Much of what you feel about sex is not about your husband. Your wants and desires a shaped by:
- How your mom felt about and talked about sex.
- Body image – both general and how you feel about your sex organs.
- Past experiences, from playing doctor and self-exploration to anyone you were sexual with before you met your husband.
- Cultural rules and expectations, including those of the church.
- Porn. Directly if you have watched it, and indirectly as some of your friends certainly have viewed it.
- Various sexual guilts, fears, and expectations you brought into your marriage.
Odds are most of your sexual problems with your husband are not actually about him. I’m not saying he is innocent of wrong doing, but most of the problems would exist even if he had been sexually clean and perfect. Because he’s the man you have sex with, he gets to wear all your sexual baggage (just as you wear his) but most of it did not originate with him. If you can accept this as truth, it can radically change your sex life. If your husband can do the same thing with his stuff (I’m suggesting it tomorrow on The Generous Husband) amazing things can happen.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I praise God my wife and I did this!