It’s only a slight exaggeration to say teenage boys are orgasms looking for a place to happen. This is a hormonal fact of life and it can crowd out things like logic, rationality, and the reality of consequences. In our saner moments, we realise this truth, and most of us decide we don’t want to spend our lives being controlled by sex. We want sex, but we want it as a part life, not our sole pursuit in life. Learning to “think with the big head” is a battle, and it takes time. Fortunately, the hormonal madness improves as we enter our 20’s and our testosterone levels fall from their pubescent peak. By the mid-twenties levels settle, and then drop about 1% a year for most of the rest of our lives. This and other changes, including the maturing our brains, means many things are different for us as we get older.
Most men don’t understand the normal sexual changes of growing older. Additionally, we ignore changes as long as we can – just as we ignore the changes in our eyes until we can’t read small print at all! We think we should still be able to sex the way we did when we were teenagers (or the way we wanted to when we were teenagers). This can lead to worries and problems as we get older.
In truth, age can make sex can get much better for men. It takes longer to feel desperately horny, which is nice, and we’re less driven to reach climax, allowing us to enjoy all of sex. If a man understands and accepts the natural changes, he can have great sex for a lifetime.
Below are some of the changes you should expect to see as your husband gets older. I’ve not given ages for these because it varies by as much as a decade or more from one man to another. As with our eyes, these changes are usually slow. Sudden changes (as opposed to suddenly admitting to them) should be checked by a doctor.
- The sight of you half-dressed doesn’t always cause a full erection. There are two things going on here. First, he’s not as aroused by a bit of nudity. He’s still affected, but not as much. Secondly, he no longer gets 100% aroused “just in case”. When we’re young, any hint of sex had us full out ready to go, even when there’s no reason to think sex will actually happen. As we get older, our bodies/minds learn to react to nudity likely to lead to sex more than nudity in general.
- He’s not as rushed. When we’re young, we feel a strong need for release. This can result in rushing to get to intercourse, or whatever way orgasm will happen. As we get older the need for release eases up, and we can slow down and enjoy the journey.
- His erections wax and wane during foreplay. This is somewhat like the above. When we’re young and we know sex is going to happen we will be fully erect from hearing “yes” till it’s over, no matter how long foreplay lasts. As we age we get an initial erection to salute the fact we’re going to have sex, but then we can partially or fully lose the erection during foreplay. Often the erection will reappear spontaneously when we know it’s time to do something which requires an erection. Or…
- We need a bit of touch to get erect, or fully erect. We may get enough of an erection for intercourse initially and then lose it, or we may not get fully erect at all. A bit of fondling of the penis is enough to rectify (erectify?) this for most men. A little oral sex is a surer and faster way to go. This is not an indication he no longer desire you! This is a normal change; you’re no longer the only one who “needs” foreplay. This change worries most men. The change is gradual and often we don’t notice it till it’s progressed a good deal. At this point, it seems like it’s changed rather fast, and if it continues at the rate we think it’s happened we figure we’ll be completely impotent soon.
- His penis does not get as hard. In reality, the fullness of erections varies more than most of us realise. Things like tiredness, stress, and general health can lead to somewhat less firm erections. Arousal level also plays a part, and he is most hard when he is about to climax. When we’re young we get fully hard and tend to stay that way; as we age this changes. It will vary from time to time, with some nights being close to his younger years and others being significantly softer.
- He has trouble staying hard during intercourse. For younger men the thoughts and sights of sex are enough to keep him fully erect. With age, physical stimulation becomes increasingly necessary. If he’s always tried to limit his stimulation during intercourse so he can last longer, he’ll need to modify. This change can result in premature ejaculation in men who’ve never had a problem with it before. The man thrusts faster and harder to try to maintenance his erection, resulting in reaching climax faster. NOTE: A lot of men tell me a stretchy penis ring is a huge help with this issue.
- He doesn’t need sex as often. He can have sex a bit less often and not feel denied or frustrated. This makes it easier to skip a night when it’s clear she is not there. However, skip a few nights and the need will surface.
- Longer down time. It will take longer for him to get another erection, and longer for him to be able to climax a second time. Another erection usually happens much faster than the ability to climax again, the latter possibly requiring more than a day or two in older men. Some men learn to have sex often and not climax every time. Other men find this frustrating.
- Faster loss of erection. In a young man, partial erections can last for a good while after climax, especially if some stimulation continues. With age climax can result in significant loss of erection very quickly. If he’s always kept going so his wife can climax after he does, the couple may need to make changes.
- He doesn’t feel climax is necessary every time he gets aroused. Both his body and his mind press him less for climax, and some men learn to enjoy sex play without always going to climax.
- The penis is less sensitive. Loss of sensitivity is gradual, and normally not enough to be an issue. It may mean he needs stronger or longer stimulation to reach climax. It may also lessen the problem of post-climax over-sensitivity.
- Less ejaculate. This is another normal change. For some reason this one is a big deal to some men – I suspect it makes them feel less virile.
- Orgasm is not as strong. The intensity of orgasm lessens as we get older.
If you and your husband approach sex with a sense of humour and a willingness to adapt, the changes associated with ageing will not be a problem. More and more people are speaking out about having great sex in their 60’s and 70’s, so can look forward to many more year of great sex.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and sex in my fifty’s is the best sex I’ve had… so far!