I often read articles that suggest the solution to orgasmic difficulties is to focus less on orgasm. Something along the lines of “Learn to enjoy the journey” is found in virtually all of these articles.
Okay, I’m all about enjoying the journey, and I know most men need to learn to be better at this. However, the destination is, well, the destination. Without the destination, the journey is just driving around aimlessly.
I understand the goal is to take away the pressure to have an orgasm. If orgasm is optional for you, I guess that works. If you want or need orgasm all or most of the time, I don’t see how pretending it’s not important helps.
I know this is a common struggle for women. I also know many husbands have no clue, making them no help. Let me toss out a few ideas that might help you discuss this with your guy. I think most of the pressure comes from what you think he is thinking, and if you can work past those it will help.
- If you sometimes really, really don’t want or are okay without orgasm, let him know. Some women are this way, some are not, and neither is right or wrong. Just let your husband know which you are.
- When you do want to orgasm, you should. Most husbands will agree with this enthusiastically. Most of us want our wives to climax every time (actually, we want her to have half a dozen each time, but that’s another issue). If your husband is not this way, I’m deeply sorry; fortunately such men are the rare exception. If you tell him “never mind” he may stop for your sake, but odds are he would love to keep going until you climax. If you allow your fears and self-consciousness to stop things, you may be cheating both you and your husband.
- You need to find a sure thing. For many women there is how they would like to climax, and how they can climax. When the two are the same, great. When they are not, focus on what works. If you’re willing to work with your husband, the two of you should be able to come up with a way he can reliably get you to orgasm when you want it. This might involve manual or oral stimulation, or use of a vibrator. Once you find a sure thing, you can stop worrying about not climaxing. (Please know your husband will feel very good about knowing a sure way to give you an orgasm when you want one.)
- You need to be in charge of deciding when to switch to the sure thing. Wait too long and frustration will prevent even the sure thing from working. Explain this to your hubby so he will understand when you tell him you need to switch to the sure thing right now.
- Help your husband understand all the things that can mess you up sexually. Being tired, a long day, not enough foreplay, too much foreplay, or talking about negative things before sex. Teach him how to help build a safe place where sex is easy for you.
- Finally, and possibly most important, speak up about what you do and don’t enjoy. Far too often women put up with ineffective stimulation that’s ineffective, uncomfortable, or even painful. Most men would love to have their wife give them feedback. Say things like “faster, slower, or less pressure”. Move his hand when necessary. Say things like “That’s nice, but it might be even better if you _____” Your husband doesn’t have the parts you have, and he has no idea how to touch them. Give him all the help you can!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m all about my wife getting to the destination!