Actually the Destination IS Important

May 8, 2015

in Uncategorized

I often read articles that suggest the solution to orgasmic difficulties is to focus less on orgasm. Something along the lines of “Learn to enjoy the journey” is found in virtually all of these articles.

Okay, I’m all about enjoying the journey, and I know most men need to learn to be better at this. However, the destination is, well, the destination. Without the destination, the journey is just driving around aimlessly.

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I understand the goal is to take away the pressure to have an orgasm. If orgasm is optional for you, I guess that works. If you want or need orgasm all or most of the time, I don’t see how pretending it’s not important helps. 

I know this is a common struggle for women. I also know many husbands have no clue, making them no help. Let me toss out a few ideas that might help you discuss this with your guy. I think most of the pressure comes from what you think he is thinking, and if you can work past those it will help.

  • If you sometimes really, really don’t want or are okay without orgasm, let him know. Some women are this way, some are not, and neither is right or wrong. Just let your husband know which you are.
  • When you do want to orgasm, you should. Most husbands will agree with this enthusiastically. Most of us want our wives to climax every time (actually, we want her to have half a dozen each time, but that’s another issue). If your husband is not this way, I’m deeply sorry; fortunately such men are the rare exception. If you tell him “never mind” he may stop for your sake, but odds are he would love to keep going until you climax. If you allow your fears and self-consciousness to stop things, you may be cheating both you and your husband.
  • You need to find a sure thing. For many women there is how they would like to climax, and how they can climax. When the two are the same, great. When they are not, focus on what works. If you’re willing to work with your husband, the two of you should be able to come up with a way he can reliably get you to orgasm when you want it. This might involve manual or oral stimulation, or use of a vibrator. Once you find a sure thing, you can stop worrying about not climaxing. (Please know your husband will feel very good about knowing a sure way to give you an orgasm when you want one.)
  • You need to be in charge of deciding when to switch to the sure thing. Wait too long and frustration will prevent even the sure thing from working. Explain this to your hubby so he will understand when you tell him you need to switch to the sure thing right now.
  • Help your husband understand all the things that can mess you up sexually. Being tired, a long day, not enough foreplay, too much foreplay, or talking about negative things before sex. Teach him how to help build a safe place where sex is easy for you.
  • Finally, and possibly most important, speak up about what you do and don’t enjoy. Far too often women put up with ineffective stimulation that’s ineffective, uncomfortable, or even painful. Most men would love to have their wife give them feedback. Say things like “faster, slower, or less pressure”. Move his hand when necessary. Say things like “That’s nice, but it might be even better if you _____” Your husband doesn’t have the parts you have, and he has no idea how to touch them. Give him all the help you can!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m all about my wife getting to the destination!

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Amy May 11, 2015 at 8:23 am

“If you want or need orgasm all or most of the time, I don’t see how pretending it’s not important helps.”

I agree 100%! I’m so glad to see an article written about this instead of the typical “enjoy the journey and don’t focus on the destination”.

As a woman who had a difficult time in the beginning of my marriage to achieve orgasm I cannot tell you how reading that mantra was so maddening! And unfortunately, my dear hubby had bought into the thinking that women don’t need or necessarily want an orgasm every time so he would sometimes tell me not to worry so much about it and that one day it would just happen. I knew he was trying to soothe me when time and time again I was left frustrated while he enjoyed not only the journey but the final destination as well. So one day I told him how much those words hurt since I wanted to share in that destination too.

I think it was Julie @ Intimacy in Marriage who once wrote a guest post in which she basically said that if we said to men what we do to women in regards to not having an orgasm every time men would balk at that! I remember feeling so relieved to finally see someone address the issue.

I believe the message of how an orgasm is not that important for women has actually been the downfall for many women not enjoying sex. I know I struggled with thinking that maybe I should just be happy with the closeness to my husband during sex and stop thinking about the orgasm, but honestly, it wasn’t much fun after a while when it was only my husband getting to reach that final destination.
I mean who wants to travel to some exciting place for a vacation you’ve been planning but when you get there only your husband gets to enjoy it. What a letdown to travel all that way and all the excitement about what all you’re going to do when you get to the destination but once there you have to sit back and watch hubby have all the fun. I don’t think I’d want to go on that vacation again!

Anyway, I appreciate you tackling this subject.

And perhaps TMI, but at the age of 50 and after much work on our part to help me reach that destination my body has rewarded me by my being able to orgasm during intercourse without any aid! We were shocked, or perhaps more accurately overjoyed, when it happened…and that it continues to happen. Not sure what changed, but just glad it finally did! ;)
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Paul Byerly May 11, 2015 at 10:37 am

I hear you, and I hope this helps others.
The difficulty here is women are not all the same. Some women want sex more often than they want orgasm, and we’ve heard from such women who say no to sex they want because they know they will be expected to have an orgasm they do not want or are not willing to work for.
There is no one size fits all answer on this one, and those who promote such answers always hurt someone.
I tell me if she wants an orgasm, do whatever it takes to help her get it. If she does not want an orgasm, respect that too.
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DC May 12, 2015 at 10:04 am

I LOVE what you said about there being a way a woman wants to climax and a way she can! God, that’s so true. I can only climax by vibrator and I really wish I could from intercourse. Not that I don’t appreciate having an orgasm at all since so many women struggle with this, but I wish I could climax from oral or manual. My husband has tried and I came close a few times, but it TAKES SO LONG with no success that we’ve given up. I know my husband has to be exhausted and bored after 30 minutes, LOL! But to get back to the point, I think you’ve shared some major wisdom there. We women have to relax and let go of expectations and “perfect” scenarios like in the movies. An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm.


Paul Byerly May 13, 2015 at 7:51 am

Expectations and “the right way” are huge destroyers of good sex. Glad you got past these and learned something that works for you.
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