I ran across this in an old Generous Husband post:
Michael [psychologist Michael Bader] challenges the common idea that men are selfish in bed, that they don’t much care about their partner and don’t really want to be close. He says, in fact, that the opposite is true: that most men face such a crushing sense of responsibility in bed that they are, understandably, insecure. This leads them to focus so much on their performance that a human connection is difficult.
Bravo. As a therapist, I’ve noticed this, too. Performance anxiety accounts for a lot of the erection problems I hear about in the office, as well as a lot of the low desire. In fact, there are guys who say “porn is easier than sex with my wife, because I never feel like I satisfy her.” That’s a far cry from “men are addicted to porn” or “men are afraid of intimacy.” Dr. Marty Klein in Male Sexuality: Selfishness or Insecurity?
I’ve heard this a number of times, and have suspected I was seeing it far more often. Most men feel they have no idea how to make sex good for their wife. On the rare occasions they know it was good for her, they may have no idea why. They rack their memory to try to determine what they did differently. If a certain move seems to bring her extra pleasure it is marked as magic and he is likely to do it repeatedly.
Honestly, most husbands would go to extremes to ensure their wife’s sexual pleasure. The failure of his wife to help him understand how to pleasure her is one of the greatest frustrations men have in marriage. This is why there are so many books about sex. There are hundreds of e-books promising to teach men the secret to driving women crazy with sexual pleasure. These books aren’t just bought by single men looking to bed as many women as possible, they’re also bought by men who desperately want to know how to show their wife a good time in bed.
And, yes, some men do give up and stop having sex, or turn to porn out of frustration. Others fall into doing what works for them, since they have no idea how to do what’s good for her. Anger and resentment are also common, and these can lead to problems with desire or erection. Sadly, more than a few affairs have been, in part, an attempt to prove “I can make a woman enjoy sex”. I’m not justifying any of this, just confirming they all happen.
This is a huge thing to men. If you aren’t giving your husband sexual feedback, please start doing so. When it’s good, tell him. When it’s great, make a big deal about it. When it’s not so good, suggest something you think might make it better for you. During foreplay urge him to go faster or to slow down. Tell him a bit lower would be even better, or move his hand (or other body part) to a better location.
~ Paul – I’m XY, I study this stuff, and I still wonder at times.