Men Who Fear/Hate/Blame Women

May 20, 2015

in Uncategorized

First, I hope this post is in no way about your husband!

Man blaming his wife © WavebreakmediaMicro |

On Sunday the 10th, I posted something about Mother’s Day over on The Generous Husband –Mothering’s NOT for Wimps! And, as is to be expected, I got someone complaining about it. It degenerated quickly and I’ve removed some of the follow up comments. The gist of it is the fellow is convinced I think women are morally superior to men, smarter, harder working, and generally better in every way. Clearly, he is reading something other than my actual words to come to these conclusions!

What others think about us often has more to do with them than it does with us. Illogical rants can tell us a great deal about who others are and how they see themselves. The trick is choosing to not allow what they say change how we see ourselves.

There is a small but vocal group of men on the Internet often called the Manosphere. These guys are upset at and about women. If you dig deep enough you find the problem, according to them, is women don’t know their place. They think the world was a great place until feminism messed up everything. Apparently, feminists are out to destroy our way of life, and if we don’t wake up soon it will be too late. Among other things, these men have a poor grasp of the Bible and no understanding of the reality of history.

For men, these guys are an annoyance. For women they can be far more of a problem. I don’t have any brilliant advice for dealing with them, but I can offer some thoughts on why they are as they are. As I suggested above, it’s not about women, it’s about the men and how they feel about themselves. Men who feel good about their masculinity are not afraid of women, or of women taking over. Men who fall into this trap are unsure about themselves. They also feel powerless to change their lives. Blaming someone else makes them feel better about themselves. They think their situation is not due to their actions (and inactions), it’s because of a societal problem caused by radical feminists. In snort, their anti-woman feelings and rhetoric come from the same roots as racism.

Of course, some parts of “the feminist movement” have similar motivations and problems, which just makes the whole thing all the crazier. I’ll keep doing what I can to talk down the men who are wrong, and I trust you ladies will try to do the same if you come across women who are over the top.

By the way – this post will no doubt put The XY Code on the manosphere radar, but I have the comments moderated so we should see few if any comments here from them.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and have no patience with men who blame women for all the wrongs of the world. 

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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

libl May 20, 2015 at 4:35 am

Oh yes, I know of men like this. They are prevalent where I live and I daresay a large population of men here feel this way even if they suppress it.

They basically want women to be pretty trophies….low maintenance but naturally beautiful. They get mad that she had to spend money to maintain that standard. We are not Barbie dolls that don’t age, gain weight, get dirty, get pimples, pregnant, etc. They want ornaments ready to show off to their guy friends. A quiet maid who keeps them in comfort and is ready and sexy at their beck and call but never bothers them about her own needs. Just put her back in the closet or kitchen when done with her.

It sickens me to see men roll their eyes when she asks him to please get her a coffee. I hate when dads complain about watching the kids so she can grocery shop in peace. I cringe when she is scared to tell him she had to buy a new bra and it cost $85 because he’s saving up for a boat. I cry when she asks for a weekend away either alone or with him and he barks at her, “what about my guy time?” Never mind that he goes on hunting and fishing trips frequently.

Unfortunately, it is so prevalent where I live. Even my own husband falls into this line of thinking and acting more often than not.

I know too many women flying solo in marriages because their husbands just wanted a toy to play with, a status and not a real, invested relationship. Often, this doesn’t come to light until after marriage.

And shamefully, there are women who promote this almost Stepford way of thinking. They tout it as “taking care of their man right.”


Paul Byerly May 20, 2015 at 5:48 pm

@libl I’ve always wanted a real woman, someone I can relate to and grow with. I don’t get men who want anything else.

It does become worse when more men by into this. Peer pressure can be a real problem in marriage in so many ways!
Paul Byerly recently posted…Is This My Battle?My Profile


Lina May 20, 2015 at 6:34 am

I use the internet a lot for research because of my job, and my husband can hardly believe it when I tell him about posts from men (especially on technology-oriented blogs) complaining about how women look and smell. If you don’t like it, guys, then stay away from it. Let me know if you feel satisfied with exclusively male company.


Paul Byerly May 20, 2015 at 5:49 pm

@Lina Some people seem to have a need to whine.


Will May 20, 2015 at 1:29 pm

Most men are totally confused and lost these days. In our parents, and grandparents day, gender and parenting roles were clearly defined. Today men and women are equals. Anything a man can do a woman can do and vice versa. Our modern wives tell us there are no differences in fathers and mothers except for anatomy. The LGTB community goes even further to eliminate gender from parenting roles. The number of children from divorced families and those born out of wedlock (40% nationwide as of 2012)reinforces the idea that men/fathers are not needed. If you impregnate, a woman you will pay child support for 18 years. If the same woman wishes to have an abortion you have no say so. If you can do everything your spouse can do you are less reliant on them. They are not needed. Today, If my wife doesn’t cook, I will not starve( I can cook) If she does not do laundry, I will still have clean clothes( I can do laundry). Ask yourself “Why does a modern man need a wife, or a wife need a husband?”


Paul Byerly May 20, 2015 at 5:47 pm

I’m not going to engage in back and forth with you on this, but I’ll make a few comments.

In short, these things are hardly new:

By 1800 40% of brides walked down the isle pregnant. In the US it was even worse. As early as the mid 1700’s parents allowed “bundling” among unmarried couples in their home of one parent. In theory this was sex short of intercourse – in reality intercourse was common.

Groups which put women above men go back thousands of years.

Trans-gender is also not new, although it’s only recently we have the ability to make surgical changes. Examples exist in many cultures going back to the time of Christ and before.

The sexual sin in Corinth at the time of Paul was beyond anything you can find anywhere in the US today – way beyond.

Divorce was a massive problem when Jesus was walking the earth.

As someone wise said, there is nothing new under the sun. Attacks on God and God’s order go back to the garden.

Why does a modern man need a woman? For the same reason Adam did. Likewise for a woman needing a man. If we got back to this, instead of trying to force people to marry for other reasons, maybe we’d have less divorce.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Is This My Battle?My Profile


Stephen Howe May 20, 2015 at 7:49 pm

Thanks for the post.

I don’t know many (maybe a couple) men like this where I live and with whom I interact with. They’re normally not people I want to associate with because that attitude comes with other attitudes that I don’t want to deal with (always being right for the sake of being right, superior to everyone else, etc). They are also typically the type of husband where the wife is never good enough at anything. I may be on the other side of the spectrum where I want to spend time with my wife more then others, and want to buy her things, want to have her brag about her awesome husband. :) I’m not one really for “guy” time, just some alone time. That couple time a year (yes, I said YEAR) where me and my “guy” friends get together she has no issue with because she knows that I love her and will be returning to her, not returning home so she can take care of me until my next outing.

Just to act the way Paul described in the post seems weird to me (never even heard of the “manosphere”). I tend to take things I commit to seriously and the part where I’m told to love my wife in the Bible I took pretty seriously. Don’t get me wrong, I want my wife to take care of herself and look good for me, but she’s not an object up on the shelf. I learned several years ago that “love” in the bible is applied quite a bit as a something you do not something you feel (and have had it confirmed in many of the books I’ve read) so I decided that it didn’t matter how I FELT about my wife but what I DID to show how I felt. For example, what kind of husband would NOT want to go clothes shopping with their wife? You get to help decide the cloths the most gorgeous woman in the world wears and it’s an ISSUE?

Lots of really insecure people out there who want to blame everyone else for their problems (marriage, money, government, etc).


libl May 21, 2015 at 3:16 am

That is awesome you feel and act this way. Now, go start a ministry to teach other men to do so.


Hanna May 21, 2015 at 1:22 am

My grandfather (father’s father) is weird this way. On one hand, he’s praising women and elevating them, saying that they’re so much smarter and better than men. On the other hand, he can be very “women shouldn’t do this, women shouldn’t dress like that” and talk down on women (behind their backs) who don’t dress and act the way he would like them to. I’ve learned to take everything he says with a grain of salt, and always keep in mind the other side of his opinions. My father is much more balanced than him, which I am grateful for.


IntimacySeeker May 21, 2015 at 6:40 am

I wonder if the fear these men feel stems from the imbalance of power. A husband needs his wife for sexual fulfillment and masculine wellbeing more so than she needs him in those ways (based on the assumption the male sex drive is much more powerful than the female sex drive). If his wife does not need him to provide for her financially and/or otherwise, she has more power in the relationship.

My husband is glad I can provide for myself financially, because he loves me and know this is what’s best for me, yet it makes him a bit insecure. He rejoices with me in the ways I can use my gifts, yet he longs to be the center of my world, or at least at the top of my list. Sometimes his perspective is very simple: if we have enough resources, are having plenty of satisfying sex, and I’m smiling and laughing, or just not upset about anything, he’s a happy camper.

He wants me to be happy and he needs to play a crucial role in that. I’m not as dependent on him that way. Could this be why widows tend to fare better than widowers?


Paul Byerly May 21, 2015 at 8:38 pm

@IntimacySeeker I would say PERCEIVED imbalance of power. What Lori wants, needs, and GETS from me is not my income of doing thing she lacks the physical strength to do. What she gets is about intimacy (not just sex) and relationship.
In days gone by some men did by a wife with their work, providing little or no intimacy or relationship. That’s not love or marriage, it’s prostitution, and I have no interest in it.
In the past a woman in a loveless marriage felt dependent, but this is no longer true. This is the real change.
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IntimacySeeker May 22, 2015 at 7:46 am

So men in a transactional arrangement (he provides financial security in exchange for her providing sex) would actually have more to fear than those in relationship with a financially-independent woman.

I have always thought a man’s need to provide for his woman stemmed from his fear that he would lose her if she didn’t need that provision. Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

I have wondered if the same logic might apply to headship: he needs to be in charge to balance the power she has in relation to his need for sexual fulfillment.


Paul Byerly May 22, 2015 at 8:31 am

I think God gave us a desire to provide – we then perverted it, as humans tend to do with most things. Likewise with headship. We take God given urges and make something bad of them. The woman who allows her maternal instinct to suffocate her children is the same.
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Emmitt May 24, 2015 at 6:38 am

Well, I’m that guy so I’ll say this because I think you are mischarachterizing both what I said and many people.

First, I will admit that there are men who hate women. I am however not one of them, nor are a great many of the manosphere brothers. We are okay with women having expectations of men and desiring certain qualities of men- that right and biblical. However, we also have expectations of women, something that is not acceptable in today’s world.

There are just as many women (probably more in todays world) that hate men, but why do you never speak about these women? See my problem is not with women, but how you portray men and women. I have heard you say in your blog that women care more about their marriage, their kids and about their faith. Furthermore, you have said that motherhood costs more than fatherhood and that women do less damage to their marriage than men. These are consistent statements that prove a pattern of what you think about men and women. You tend to pedestalize women.

I for one have a great relationship with my wife. We are happy, joyful, a team, who laughs a lot and have a lot of sex, all the while raising children who are happy and love Christ. I speak words of praise and encouragement to her many times a day while serving her sacrificially. And she respects me, cares for me and loves me while filling my life with warmth and tenderness.

We have very different beliefs of what men and womens roles are and that seems to be much of what our differences are. You are correct in that we believe women have forgotten their place, but I think the same could be said for men also. I know for a fact we both can make a biblical arguement for our point of view. But if my wife agrees with me and your wife agrees with you what is the problem? Truth is, 90% of christians are so confused they have no idea who is right. Well they should be able to look at your life and marriage and see the fruit and look at my life and marriage and see the fruit and judge for themselves right? Since I don’t know you I’m going to assume you are as happy and Christ (Life) giving as you say. But I can guarantuee you that my life and marriage is full of fruit. Maybe some depending on their personalities go your way or they go mine but why do we have to beat each other up?

All we ask is that you stop saying women are better. I know you don’t think you say this, but what message does it send (step outside yourself) and when someone has said Y cares more, gives more, does less harm, has a tighter bond with your kids, works harder- what message does that send? Be honest with yourself.

So while you say “they hate women”, we say you pedestalize women. Just because my wife and I believe a woman’s place is in the home (when she is married) and under her husband’s authority does not mean we hate women. My wife would not tell you that, my mother would not tell you that, my sister would not tell you that, my widowed neighbor whom I help out would not tell you that nor would any single lady I come into contact during my life tell you that-and outside of a few ladies at church very few share our biblical beliefs and yet my mother, sister, etc would tell you I am caring and giving towards women.

But because we ask you stop cutting men off at the knees before their wives (really if you want to believe this nonsense about women caring more, working harder, doing less damage in your own life then do so but it does no one any good in your ministry and does much, much harm), you think we hate women. It is simply false.


Paul Byerly May 24, 2015 at 8:39 pm

First a note on my title – the slashes were short hand for and/or. Many men do only one of two of those, not all three.
You make a number of claims about what I have said. I have no doubt you could support those with cherry-picked out of context parts of what I’ve written. I could reply by showing you where I have said the opposite of what you claim I think. And we could go back and forth endlessly and prove nothing, so I will pass. I’ve said the opposite of what you think I have said in the past, and will continue to do so – including my post for tomorrow (Monday 5/15, which was written two weeks ago). No small amount of what I have written on this blog is telling women men are different because God made them different, and the women need to figure out how to deal with it. Over on the blog for men I tell them much the same, with genders reversed.
To me the bottom line is men and women are different. This means we have different strengths and weaknesses, different wants and needs, different places of weakness and temptation, and so on. So I guess women are “better” in some places. I’d rather say “less bad”. And men are less bad in some places. Still, all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, and apart from the work of Christ we are all doomed.
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