You knew this one was coming, right?
First, let me acknowledge many of you are more interested in sex than your husband. Statistics put it at 20%-25% of marriages, and I suspect it’s higher among reads of this blog. The good news is this post is still for you. (Also for you is our new survey – Husbands Saying No to Sex)
The title of this post says How Often Does YOUR MARRIAGE Need Sex. This isn’t about what either you or your husband wants; it’s about what is necessary for a healthy, happy marriage.
I’ve studied this issue for a very long time. I’ve read research and surveys, and dug into the Bible. I’ve talked to experts and a great many husbands and wives. Based on all that, here’s my minimum “sex prescription” for marriages:
Sexual intercourse every other day, with female orgasm as often as she wants but at least half the time.
Let’s break that down a bit.
It turns out not all sex is the same. For example, studies find an orgasm during intercourse results in five times a much prolactin being released into the body as an orgasm from masturbation. This is true for both men and women. Other studies have shown intercourse affects our bodies and minds differently than all other sex acts. What’s more, some of the benefits of sex (which include better health, longer life, and looking younger) occur more strongly with intercourse, or only occur with intercourse.
Any sex that does not harm your body is good, but intercourse is the best. As most sex related benefits max out or start to level off at 3 to 4 times a week, it seems wise to include intercourse at least this often. If you have sex more often, do whatever you both like.
And yes, this means him wanting oral every time is a problem!
Every Other Day
Three or four times a week would probably be just as good, as long as it’s not a one day marathon. Feast and famine sex isn’t good, especially for him. As with food, the best approach is regular sane amounts. However, if your schedule means you manage every Friday and Saturday, most Sundays, and one other day a week, you’re doing well.
If you want several every time, I think your hubby needs to do whatever it takes for you to have them. However, some women say they’re happy to have sex without orgasm. I’m not going to say they’re wrong, but while some of the benefits of sex come from just having intercourse, others are tied to orgasm. If you don’t want it every time, or find every time difficult, don’t stress. If you’re happy going a week or more between orgasms, I urge you to work on doing so more often.
Beyond the Body
Sex has great benefits for our bodies and physical health, but it also does great things for our marriage relationships. Women who have sex more often are happier with their marriages, and couples who have sex more often are less likely to get divorced. I’m sure some of this is more sex in good marriages, but several studies have found just having more sex improves most marriages. At the very least, sex is a good barometer of the general health of a marriage.
All of this is nice, but we have jobs, and kids, and lives to live! If we lived on an island with plenty of food and few neighbours, we’d all be having sex daily, right?
What I’ve shared here is what I see in the data. It’s what is best for our physical, emotional, and marital health. How you apply it to your marriage is between you, your husband, and God.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m all about making my marriage better!