What Sexual Generosity Means to a Man

July 3, 2015

in Uncategorized

First, the disclaimer – I know many of you are the higher drive spouse. If so this does not apply to you, and I’m sorry for your pain.

Setting aside sex drive and sexual pleasure, what does it mean to a man to be married to a woman who’s sexually generous? Having been one of those few men for a couple of decades, I have a good idea. I’ve also heard from other so blessed men, and what I hear is consistent.  

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You should understand we know we are the rare few. Men who aren’t getting the sex they want – be it quantity or quality – talk (actually, they complain). Often it’s subtle, but other men hear it and know what it means. While we rarely know details, in general we have a good idea if our friends are satisfied or frustrated sexually. So those of us who have it good know we have it good, and we know we’re in an exclusive minority.

  • Sex is a huge part of who we are as men. When sex is good, we feel good about ourselves, our marriages, and our lives. When sex is a problem, we have a difficult time feeling good about those aspects of our life. 
  • Being the recipient of generosity is always good, and when the generosity is in a place important to us it really moves us. It’s easy to love a sexually generous wife, and difficult to stay upset with her. It’s natural to do loving things, and to go out of our way for the woman who’s taking such good care of a critical need.
  • Sexual frustration clouds our view. We focus on the bad, be it sexual or otherwise, and find it difficult to see the good things. When sex becomes a blessing the situation reverses, with the good jumping out and the bad becoming less visible.
  • We feel deep gratitude, and we want to brag about our wife to anyone who will listen. Not brag about the sex, but about all the other wonderful things she does. (BTW, I find sexually satisfied men are less likely to talk about their sex life than those who are frustrated.)

Does sexual generosity really change men? I’ve heard it often enough, from both men and women, to say yes, absolutely. Years ago, I read an article in a secular magazine from a wife who was not a follower of Jesus. After a decade of marriage, sex was down to a few times a month, and the couple had a number of non-sexual problems. She decided to try an experiment, having sex daily for a month. She wrote it changed both of them, and she thinks it saved her marriage. Of course, they had to deal with the non-sexual issues too, but once sex stopped being a problem the husband seemed all too willing to do so.

I know there are women out there who will say, “I never say no to him, and he’s still not nice to me.” Yes, it happens. In some cases, the men are just jerks, and nothing anyone does will change that. In other cases it’s “just” saying yes, which is far from what a man wants and needs.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife totally rocks!

We will be ending our RV fundraising drive on July 17th. You can find more information about our current needs on The Generous Husband.

If you feel like supporting this, click here, or send a few dollars by mail to the address below. If you feel what we’re doing is a good thing, please keep us in your prayers. And look for us as we circle the country starting September 20th! We will post our travel route on The Generous Journey.

Paul & Lori Byerly
PO Box 2166
Deer Park, WA, 99006-2166

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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Ol' Will July 4, 2015 at 10:52 am

“I know there are women out there who will say, “I never say no to him, and he’s still not nice to me.”” Perhaps those women should consider how they say ‘Yes” and how they participate.
Does every ‘Yes’ includes phrases like, “Again? We just did it (fill in the blank).” Followed a few minutes later with, “Aren’t you done yet?”
Perhaps some of these women are married to truly mean men but, for most of us, we didn’t marry you to get “done”. We married you because we loved you and wanted, among other things, to make love WITH you for the rest of our lives. I submit that most of these “not nice” non-responders are simply reacting to your passive-aggressive “Yes”. I further submit that most of these men don’t like themselves very much when their frustration boils over into anger and arguments.
Paul, this isn’t a criticism of the column. I think it’s a great post.
God bless.


Paul Byerly July 6, 2015 at 12:36 pm

@Ol’ Will – I think you express many men’s reality very well. Thanks
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IntimacySeeker July 6, 2015 at 6:33 am

I wish my sexual generosity did for me what it does for my husband.


Paul Byerly July 6, 2015 at 12:36 pm

@IntimacySeeker – Hopefully he is generous to you in a way which has a similar effect on you.
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IntimacySeeker July 7, 2015 at 5:26 am

He is generous in many ways, but the effects on me seem more varied, less predictable, and less intense than what you describe for husbands. I think what I envy sometimes is the simplicity of what sexual generosity does for my husband. My sexual generosity makes everything better for him. I may be overstating that somewhat, but you see my point. Sometimes being such a complex creature is exhausting. :)


Paul Byerly July 7, 2015 at 4:36 pm

@IntimacySeeker – I hear you, and it is no fun for men either. Men wish they could do one thing to make their wife feel loved and valued as much as sex makes them feel loved and valued. Most men are rather easy to please; most woman are more complex.
But husband and wife are in it together, so we make the best of it!
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IntimacySeeker July 6, 2015 at 7:13 am

I wish my sexual generosity meant my husband would not struggle with temptation.


Paul Byerly July 6, 2015 at 12:46 pm

@IntimacySeeker – He may well feel the same way.
I’ve got a handle on this in my own life, but it took a lot of time and struggle and I vividly recall how I hated it.
I was sadly surprised that Lori’s increased sexual generosity did not end this problem for me. It did slightly reduce my awareness, and made it a bit easier for me to look away, but it did not make it go away.
Keep loving him and praying for him
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IntimacySeeker July 7, 2015 at 5:42 am

I appreciate your candor. Most of the time I can let him own this, but as an equipped, effective leader, it is difficult and frustrating to admit I cannot fix this for him. I am to bare my body, heart and soul to a man who struggles not to think about having sex with other women. A tall order indeed.


Paul Byerly July 7, 2015 at 4:32 pm

@IntimacySeeker – I do not disagree it’s a tall order. On the other hand, he is to do all the same with a woman who is probably not perfect herself.
Usually what we have to do for our spouses looks bigger to us than what we think they have to do for us.
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Charlie O July 14, 2015 at 6:43 pm

I would like to answer IntimacySeeker. You envy the the wonderful results that your husband seems to get from sex with you. There are things that a husband can learn from his wife and vice versa. When you find someone that is successful in a particular endeavor, emulating them can often give you a similar result. Let me tell you how men do sex. I believe that if you copy them with slight feminine variations, you will find that you might realize greater benefit. First of all, most men put a tremendous value on sex, and moral men of good will want if from their wives. As a result they think about it long and often, they anticipate it, and they plan for it. How much do you value it? I’m not saying that you have to enjoy it exactly as a man does. However, if you don’t put a great value on it, why? There are many reasons, and everyone of them has to do with your mind or your emotions. You say that is because women are so complex. The second thing that men do that makes sex with their wives so wonderful is living in the moment. They are concentrating on how good their wives look, often becoming lost in gazing at one or more parts of her body. They focus on what it feels like to touch and be touched, and often find the whole experience exquisite. On the other hand, women’s minds are often all over the place. You say that it is because they are so complex. Are you asking men to believe that women are incapable of focus (on sex)? I don’t believe it, and I can prove it. Read the comment sections and pay close attention to the women that really seem to derive a great deal from their sexual relationship and you will see that they do both of the things that I mentioned above. They put a great value on it, anticipating what they will do in their next encounter. They show a high level of concentration and savor what they do, and they seem to experience the same kind of fulfillment from it. Learn from the successful. It is probably easier for men, but it isn’t impossible for women.


Paul Byerly July 14, 2015 at 10:20 pm

@Charlie O – I think trying to get women to do sex the way men do is a big part of the problem. God made us different, and no where are those differences as great as they are in sex. The differences are not a matter of choice, they are deeply ingrained in our minds and bodies. Asking a woman to be more like a man is pushing her away from how God made her, and I don’t see how that ever works out well.
Just my thoughts.
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Charlie O July 15, 2015 at 3:29 am

I think that you have a fundamental misunderstanding of what God meant when he said that two shall become one. In my nearly forty-two years of marriage I have seen me develop great appreciation for things that are feminine and my wife do the same for things that are masculine. In addition, I have spend countless hours reading the comments on several Christian sites that you often reference, etc., and I have noticed that the women who really derive the most from their sex-lives with their husbands do the two things that I mentioned. I’m not suggesting that they think of sex the same way and that they appreciate sex for the same reasons, but that would benefit greatly from doing what I have suggested. My wife and I take almost all of our showers together. We both really like it, but for very different reasons. Marriage calls upon both men and women to make very big adjustments. One needs to be careful with the concept of “how God made” us. God made men non-monogamus. (For some reason I can’t seem to spell this correctly–probably because I’m working on three hours of sleep). Being so demands changing how we think and act. Learning to be romantic the way a women appreciates romance requires us to change. Slowing down and paying great attention to our wife’s satisfaction demands that we do it “her way.” None of these are the way God made us. The whole idea of Biblical sanctification demands that we change from what is natural to what is not humanly natural. I don’t mind doing the things that I mentioned above, but these are not the way God made men. Doing what come naturally is a sure recipe for sexual failure–not only for men, but for women.


IntimacySeeker July 20, 2015 at 7:40 am

@ Charlie O Thank you for your comments. I agree that much of marriage involves learning to do/enjoy/value what does not come naturally. I believe that over the years, the lines of definition between our differences soften and even blur. Not because our identity actually changes, but because we learn to express ourselves in ways our spouse can receive more fully.

I also agree with Paul. I cannot change the fact that I get an oxytocin boost from words of affirmation, non-sexual touch, etc. and my husband does not. Nor can I change my testosterone level to match my husband’s so that, chemically speaking, I have the same sex drive. Nor can I change the amount of oxytocin I receive during orgasm to match the massive amount my husband receives.

I can think about sex, look forward to sex, value sex, and so forth, but I cannot make it do for me what it does for my husband.


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