First, the disclaimer – I know many of you are the higher drive spouse. If so this does not apply to you, and I’m sorry for your pain.
Setting aside sex drive and sexual pleasure, what does it mean to a man to be married to a woman who’s sexually generous? Having been one of those few men for a couple of decades, I have a good idea. I’ve also heard from other so blessed men, and what I hear is consistent.
You should understand we know we are the rare few. Men who aren’t getting the sex they want – be it quantity or quality – talk (actually, they complain). Often it’s subtle, but other men hear it and know what it means. While we rarely know details, in general we have a good idea if our friends are satisfied or frustrated sexually. So those of us who have it good know we have it good, and we know we’re in an exclusive minority.
- Sex is a huge part of who we are as men. When sex is good, we feel good about ourselves, our marriages, and our lives. When sex is a problem, we have a difficult time feeling good about those aspects of our life.
- Being the recipient of generosity is always good, and when the generosity is in a place important to us it really moves us. It’s easy to love a sexually generous wife, and difficult to stay upset with her. It’s natural to do loving things, and to go out of our way for the woman who’s taking such good care of a critical need.
- Sexual frustration clouds our view. We focus on the bad, be it sexual or otherwise, and find it difficult to see the good things. When sex becomes a blessing the situation reverses, with the good jumping out and the bad becoming less visible.
- We feel deep gratitude, and we want to brag about our wife to anyone who will listen. Not brag about the sex, but about all the other wonderful things she does. (BTW, I find sexually satisfied men are less likely to talk about their sex life than those who are frustrated.)
Does sexual generosity really change men? I’ve heard it often enough, from both men and women, to say yes, absolutely. Years ago, I read an article in a secular magazine from a wife who was not a follower of Jesus. After a decade of marriage, sex was down to a few times a month, and the couple had a number of non-sexual problems. She decided to try an experiment, having sex daily for a month. She wrote it changed both of them, and she thinks it saved her marriage. Of course, they had to deal with the non-sexual issues too, but once sex stopped being a problem the husband seemed all too willing to do so.
I know there are women out there who will say, “I never say no to him, and he’s still not nice to me.” Yes, it happens. In some cases, the men are just jerks, and nothing anyone does will change that. In other cases it’s “just” saying yes, which is far from what a man wants and needs.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and my wife totally rocks!
We will be ending our RV fundraising drive on July 17th. You can find more information about our current needs on The Generous Husband.
If you feel like supporting this, click here, or send a few dollars by mail to the address below. If you feel what we’re doing is a good thing, please keep us in your prayers. And look for us as we circle the country starting September 20th! We will post our travel route on The Generous Journey.
Paul & Lori Byerly
PO Box 2166
Deer Park, WA, 99006-2166