Feeling Under Appreciated

July 8, 2015

in Uncategorized

This is a practical example of my last post, His Past is Still Alive. Last week while Lori and I were working on the RV, I found myself feeling she was not showing me due appreciation for what I was doing. (I don’t recall now exactly what I was doing, I think it had something to do with getting us working air conditioning before our heat wave of 100° F plus days [38° C for the rest of the world].

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I also had the presence of mind to see I was wrong. She was showing me more than a reasonable amount of appreciation. I was feeling something that was not about the current situation, so it had to be coming from my past.

My mother wasn’t big on showing appreciation. After her death I learned from a mutual friend that my mother was afraid showing us too much love, appreciation, or encouragement would give us big heads and hurt us. Still, as a kid, I never felt my mom appreciated me, and it hurt. It created a hole in me, and I naturally turned to my wonderful wife to fill the hole.

I suspect feeling underappreciated is a common struggle for men. In addition to misguided or unloving parents, parts of our society treat men as a necessary evil – at best. In truth a lot of men don’t get the appreciation they should.

Think and pray about this and your husband. Does he show signs of feeling underappreciated? Are you showing him as much appreciation as you should? If you are, you can’t fix his appreciation hole by showing more, but you might be able to help him see how others have failed to show him due appreciation. This shows you’re on his side, and it might help him look at how his past is hurting him today.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m learning to deal with my current reality. 

Love Like a Woman: Should Your Sexual Response Be Like Your Husband’s? | The Forgiven Wife  ◄ A must read!

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

libl July 8, 2015 at 1:18 pm

Thank you for this! I feel under appreciated and I highly suspect my husband does, too.

I am going to take inventory of how he has shown appreciation of me AND I am going to lavish him (appropriately, not over the top fake) with due appreciation this week. Maybe I will come back and report the results.

Heck, I think a spirit of appreciation would be good for our whole family. I am going to carry it over to my children, too!


Paul Byerly July 8, 2015 at 1:40 pm

@libl Yup, it’s good for pretty much everyone!
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Chris July 8, 2015 at 2:31 pm

Thanks for sharing my post here, Paul. I appreciate you and Lori and all you do for marriages!
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Paul Byerly July 10, 2015 at 9:45 am

@Chris – Back at ya!
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Learninghim July 23, 2015 at 2:53 pm

Great article. In fact, I’m enjoying the entire website. Here’s a question for you, what if a husband doesn’t enjoy verbal appreciation? Mine comes from a family of workaholics (they will tell you this themselves), and they simply think it petty and insincere to verbally praise. So I find myself not knowing how to show him appreciation, all the while wondering how to get him to understand that the kids and myself actually do appreciate praise.


Paul Byerly July 24, 2015 at 12:22 pm

@Learninghim – We all expect others to be as we are, and we treat them that way. Seeing past that is amazingly difficult, and even when we get it, it takes a lot of awareness to change.
Focusing on the kids might be a good way to go with this, as it is then not about you. If he can learn to show them appreciation he might extend it to you. If he gets good with the kids and does not start doing the same with him, THEN you can say “I’d like the same.”
You can also try to find ways of showing him appreciation which will matter to him. Things like what a hard worker he is and how much you appreciate him providing for the family for example.
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