Peace at Any Cost!

July 22, 2015

in Uncategorized

I’ve talked about this before, but it’s been awhile and it’s a huge thing for men. Men want peace in their home. We’re happy to go out and fight battles literally or figuratively day after day, but when we get home we want peace. We don’t want strife, arguments, the cold shoulder, or the silent treatment. We don’t want to have to prove ourselves at every turn or justify our choices and desires.

Stone with peace written on it. © Olga Lyubkin |

I have no doubt women want the same things, but I don’t think their desperation for it is nearly as strong. The intensity with which men want peace in their home leads them to a few of common errors:

  1. Rule with an iron fist: If he’s the unquestioned master of the home, he has peace because no one dares challenge him. Yes, such a man is into power, but what many women miss is why he wants the power. A big part of the why is getting peace.
  2. Give up land: Israel has been dealing with the question of “land for peace” for a long time. The idea is you give up land and in return your enemy stops trying to destroy you. This approach may work for a time, but then they want more land. It becomes an endless blackmail scheme, and what happens when there’s no more land you’re willing to give up? I’ve seen men give up bits of themselves to get peace. It works for a while, but eventually they have nothing left they are willing to sacrifice. Then it gets ugly, or he just leaves.
  3. Withdraw: The hope is she will ignore me if I don’t reply. Even if this fails, not engaging usually means the situation is less bad. Some men descend into video games, fishing, rebuilding a car, or anything else to hide from the lack of peace.

If you see any of these in your husband, he may be trying to deal with what he sees as a lack of peace in his home. Don’t dismiss it as silly, really think about it for a while. Watch what your husband has coming at him from you, your kids, and anyone else in the home. Is it possible he’s just looking for an escape? If so, more peace might move him away from his coping mechanism. 

If you feel really brave, ask him to rate the level of peace in your home. If he rates it low don’t get upset. Instead ask him to explain why and then pray about ways you might be able to change things.

~ Paul – I’m XY and there’s plenty of peace in our little RV!

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Me July 22, 2015 at 9:21 am

Perhaps this is why work wins. Every. Single. Time. He says he realizes how much he’s missed, how many times myself and the kids have had to take a backseat to his boss. We were supposed to spend a couple hours together this afternoon. Just us. First time in a long time, all the kids out and occupied, one chance to be alone. He just called. Too many problems at work. Of course. They win again. He loves work far, far, far more than me. I’m trying to be supportive. That’s why I’m venting here, so I don’t make him feel worse. I’ll fake that I understand so he doesn’t get his feelings hurt, but I feel lonelier than ever. Hard being last. Every time. Husbands, think long and hard about whether you love your wife or not, and make sure you don’t put her last always, or it will eventually start to make her feel very lonely and empty and very worthless, and not good enough. Never good enough. And you know what really makes me mad? When he blathers on about how much he loves me when his actions consistently prove the exact opposite. Thanks for listening. I don’t want to say ugly things to my husband, so it helps to get it out here.


Paul Byerly July 22, 2015 at 7:27 pm

@Me – There are a number of reaosn why men may choose work Z(need to wrote post on it). Among other thing they feel there is a set of solid rules, and they know how to “win”.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Give Her a NudgeMy Profile


libl July 23, 2015 at 6:40 am

Men show love by working hard and providing.

You NEED to tell him how lonely you are. Try to do so in a calm, straightforward way.

“Honey, I understand work is important to you, but I am really hurt we missed out on our date. I am feeling very lonely and neglected lately. I know you say you love me, but I really need you to SHOW you love me more than work.”


Anonymous July 22, 2015 at 2:44 pm

Great thoughts! But how can we (women) provide/give more peace at home? It often seems that the only time it is peaceful for hubby is if he does anything he wants whenever he wants and no one else voices their needs (or gets their needs met) in any way. Which always works until it doesn’t. How do you learn to live with each other? Can it ever be peaceful for husband and wife, or is it always one or the other?


Paul Byerly July 22, 2015 at 7:32 pm

@Anonymous – No doubt some of it is a need for some husbands to grow up. Part of it is trying to give him some time to unwind when he gets home. (Which is difficult if you also work out of the house). Some men are happy to do a lot around the house on Saturday, but really don’t want to do much during the work week. If this works but his wife expects him to do things sooner, that will be a real issue for him. Likewise for going out – he may want to come home and not leave until he has to go to work again. Weekends may be better for him to get out with her. Again, this has to work for them as a couple.
The bottom line is to ask him. Listen to his desires and needs, then share your desires and needs.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Give Her a NudgeMy Profile


H October 25, 2015 at 12:09 pm

I agree with many of these insights. I just recently had this out with my wife. When she ‘asks’ me to do something, it needs to be done immediately. I recently had a day off and she left me a list of things to do. I got started on one task and she told me it was more important to do another one. She was going to be at work all day. I had all day to do the whole list which wasn’t very long. I asked her if the order I did them in made them somehow more or less done. I was fully intent on completing all the tasks but her attitude just made me feel like nothing I did would ever be good enough. I have so far been in the give ground to get along group but peace still eludes our house. My job is very stressful and I want my home to be a sanctuary where I can recharge my sanity. I don’t mind the chores but the criticism can go. (I currently do all the cooking, laundry, and dishes in our house)


IntimacySeeker July 23, 2015 at 5:38 am

My marriage does not have the traditional roles of hubby out in the workplace and me in the home. I am the primary wage earner and benefits provider and I work a full time job and two part time jobs to meet this expectation. Thus, I relate to this post. My home is a quiet oasis and I value that deeply. Not so much because I’ve been competing and battling during the day, but because I have been encountering people all day and as an introvert, people deplete my energy. Clutter also depletes my energy. When my home is quiet and organized, I feel peace.


Paul Byerly July 23, 2015 at 2:35 pm

@IntimacySeeker – I do think being “out in the world all day” is a big part of it. On top of that I think most men are more into peace at home than women, even if they work the same amount out of the home.

For more than a decade my home has also been my full time work place. I can not imagine doing that if three was a lack of peace.
Paul Byerly recently posted…So Much Coffee!My Profile


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