Do you ever wonder what your husband really wants to do in bed? (Or on the couch, or the table, or…) Do you really want to know, or are you afraid of what he might say if he was totally honest?
If you’re afraid you couldn’t deal with it, I’d suggest you not go there. I would however suggest you think about why you’re so afraid of knowing the truth. Is it about what you fear he may want? Is it about what you want but don’t admit to yourself? Is it because of something in your past? Do you feel unable to deal with him if he wants something too far out?
If you want to know, I suggest you find out. However, don’t expect him to just give you a list. He’s probably afraid of what you will think, say, and do. Sharing what he would like to try is a huge risk because you might get upset, and he knows you being upset will mean less sex. So he feels he’s gambling what sex he has by sharing what he wants. If he’s willing to do it, he’ll want to give you his list a bit at a time, testing your reaction as he goes.
In discussing sexual desires, I think it’s good to have some categories:
- Things I would really like to do with you: Things in this category are being placed on the table when he shares them. If you suggest trying any of them, he will likely go along even if he has reservations. When you suggest doing one of his long held fantasies his arousal will pretty much take over. Nothing wrong with that, just be aware.
- Things that turn me on, but I don’t feel comfortable doing with you: Much the same as above, but why is he uncomfortable doing it with you? Is he hedging because he thinks you’ll be upset? Does he think you’re too pure, good, or whatever to do such things? Is he afraid it will take over your sex life if you add it?
- Things I find interesting but I’m not sure they are right: He may be looking to see how you feel about whatever. If you’re okay with something on this list, be careful. If he is truly unsure, telling him it’s okay with you could result in him doing something he’s not sure about. Talk and pray with him about such things so he can decide if they are right or not. And see the next category.
- Things I desire but know are wrong: Why would anyone share something in the last category? What good could come from sharing such things? Our desires say something about us. Most (all?) sexual desires come from out past, often from well before puberty. The desire might be an attempt to understand or fix something. Being able to discuss these things with you puts him in an extremely vulnerable place, and if you don’t beat up on him you’ll build a new level of trust and intimacy. If you can discuss such things with him without getting upset you may help him figure out what is behind these desires, and it could result in some great healing and freedom for him.
Yes, talking about these things will get him turned on. He may feel bad about that, and will be scared of how you will react if you know. Grace and understanding here are huge.
When he shares things, I’d suggest you reply to each specifically. Again, there are some useful categories:
- I think that’s wrong: Please save this for things you feel are morally wrong. If he argues it’s not wrong agree to pray and study it. Things you rate this way are totally off the table.
- I don’t think I can do that: This is for things you find too gross, weird, or potentially harmful to consider. Again, be clear this puts it off the table.
- I’m not comfortable with it, but I don’t find it wrong or impossible: This would include things you could do but feel you would not enjoy. Be clear, say, “I’d not enjoy it” or “It would totally turn me off.” This category also includes things you just aren’t sure about. Think and pray about these. Don’t push yourself too hard on these, but don’t give yourself an easy pass either. If you decide to try any of these be clear it’s a one-time test and you may or may not decide to ever do it again.
- I might like that: These things sounded good to you when he suggested them, or you had thought about doing them already. You may still have concerns, and discussing these right away would be a good idea. These things are on the table, and he should wait for you to suggest trying them.
- Let’s do it!: This is great, but be sure you are 100% ready to go. Expect him to suggest it the next time you have sex, and if possible beat him to it.
The other side of this is telling him what you want sexually. Now that’s a scary thought!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and it’s taken courage to share certain things with my wife!
A huge thanks to all of you who gave, prayed, and sent encouraging notes for our Send Us Out with a Cup of Coffee fund raiser. With a few donations still trickling in we have hit the 99% mark! I posted more on this, and a tentative schedule, over on The Generous Husband.