Last week in We Need to Talk… I suggested setting up a weekly time to talk about whatever you need to discuss. I realise this sounds odd for most women. I will also admit it’s not the best option.
However, it’s an option many men will find agreeable, or at least liveable, which makes it better than options he rejects or fights. Knowing when you’re going to have a deep conversation allows him to get ready for it. Think of it the way sex is for some women – easier if they can mentally prepare ahead of time. A set time also means he won’t worry about being ambushed at some random time. Again, there’s a sexual analogy here. On your side, it ensures you get the time to share and connect as you need to.
All this begs the question of why men seem so resistant to deep communication with their wife. If he loves her, why wouldn’t he want to talk with her all the time? (Another analogy begging to be made.) As I’ve said before, many men find it difficult to keep up with their wife verbally. It’s not they are opposed to it, rather they feel unable to do it as often as she wants. Another factor for some men is they have felt beat up by some of the talks they’ve had with their wife. They feel they’re misunderstood, or they feel they have no hope of understanding what she wants. They’ve run into what they see as double standards or expectations they be able to read her mind. (I’ll discuss some of these in future posts.)
If talking beyond surface things is a problem in your marriage, real change will take time and mutual effort. Setting a weekly time to discuss the important, hard, and deep things is a good starting place. If you can work past the difficulties, your husband may grow to enjoy talking with you – even about the tough stuff.
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m proof a man can enjoy talking to his wife.