Why Men Say No to Sex

August 7, 2015

in Uncategorized

I know plenty of you who read here are frustrated by less sex than you want. You’ve heard all your life how men are sexually insatiable, but you’ve not found this is the case in your marriage. You’re hurt, frustrated, scared, and confused. Is it him, or you? Is he broken, or are you sexually undesirable?

First, I want you to know it’s not you. Even if he’s told you it’s you (in fact, especially if he’s told you this), it’s not you. Sure, you may have made mistakes and contributed to the issue, but at most you have added a small amount.

Frustrated wife in bed © WavebreakmediaMicro | dollarphotoclub.com

Why Men Say No:

We recently did a survey on husbands who say no to sex. What follows is primarily from that, with some added information based on more than a decade of talking to couples about sex. (Full survey results here).

  • Too Tired: The number one reason men say no to sex is they are too tired. Of those men who said they say no, 45% selected this as the, or one of the, reasons. Thing is, tiredness doesn’t necessarily mean he has lost his sex drive. Doing sex right with you takes half an hour or more. Getting a quick release in the shower takes a couple of minutes. He’d rather have real sex with you, but if he doesn’t feel he has the time or energy for that he may choose empty release on his own just to kill the nagging of his sex drive. I’m NOT telling you this is a good or right choice, but it is far more common than most women think. The point I want to make here is he’s not choosing masturbation over sex with you; he is masturbating because he feels too tried to have sex with you. In other words, it’s not you, it’s him.
  • Too Stressed: The second most common reason was stress, chosen by 33% of the men who say no. Unless you are a full on harpy, this one is also not about you.
  • Sexual Problems: Twenty-eight percent of men say no because of various sexual function issues – 14% erection problems, 12% due to premature ejaculation, and 2% because they can’t climax or take a very long time. Men get really hung up about these things, and many would rather just stop having sex than admit to and deal with the issue. Of course, many of these men still have a sex drive and turn to masturbation and possibly porn to deal with that drive. Obviously none of these is about you.
  • Depression: One in five men said depression was part of the reason they say no to sex. I suspect busyness and stress are factors in much of the depression. Again, this is not about you.
  • Relationship Issues: One man in five said part of why he says no is his marriage relationship is a mess. This is not in line with the typical stereotype of men, but in fact many men can’t or won’t have sex if the relationship is bad off. This is especially true for men over 30 and not in the first years of marriage. This is one of the only things on the list that is probably partly about you. Of course if it’s bad enough he doesn’t want sex, odds are his wife has long since lost any interest in sex. She may be trying to use sex to fix or hold the relationship together, but it’s not likely she is chasing him due to her sex drive.
  • Sex is Too Much Work: One in five men who say no to sex said they think sex is too much work. Before you go there, this is not about you. This one was chosen more by young men, and the least by the oldest group of men, and I would bet porn plays a huge part in this. It also goes back to the issue of being tired. If real sex exceeds the amount of time he feels he has, saying it’s too much work is his way of blaming his wife. Along the same lines 12% said they say no because their wife takes too long. Same root causes and issues for this. (I’ll do a separate post on these.) So he’s blaming you, but it’s not you. Really, it’s not.
  • I’m Too Busy: Eighteen percent gave this as a reason. More than half of these men also said they were too tired.
  • Masturbation: Seventeen percent of the refusers said they masturbate. This doesn’t mean others don’t masturbate – rather they realise their masturbation is not the reason they say no. Very few men choose their own hand over their wife unless something is wrong, and things like tiredness and stress are a common factor.
  • Punishment: About one man in seven said he refuses sex to punish his wife. Some of these men are punishing her for refusing him in the past; some are using sex as a club for other things. While the reason may have something to do with you, his childish behaviour is not your fault.
  • Lower Sex Drive: Only 15% of the men said they say no because they have a lower sex drive than their wife. Four times as many women said their husband’s sexual refusal is due to him having a lower sex drive. I suspect men saying no are perfectly fine with their wife thinking it’s about their sex drive as this is easier than admitting the ugly truth. The take away on this is odds are it’s not as much about his drive as you think. Taking this further, in the how do you feel about saying no section not a single man chose the “She is over sexed” choice to excuse his choice. I have no doubt some tell their wife this to make her stop asking, but in reality men know it’s not about her sex drive.
  • Health Issues: Eleven percent say general health issues keep them from sex. In many of these situations, some form of sex would be possible if both the man and his wife were willing to think beyond what they have always done. Unfortunately some men feel not being able to have intercourse is unmanly, and just avoiding sex may seem easier for such men.
  • I use Porn: Only 8% of the men selected this. We know about half the men in our sample groups are using porn. The men who choose this are telling us they think their porn use is part of why they say no to sex with their wife. This means most men who use porn don’t think they say no to sex because of their porn use.
  • I’m having an affair: Not a single man choose this. I’ve seen other surveys which say men having an affair are usually still sexually active with their wife if she is willing. If he’s saying no, don’t assume an affair.

Is this a growing problem?

Men saying no to sex was all but unheard of in the past. Now it’s the fact of life for at least one wife in five. There is debate about what is really happening – is male refusal more common, or are we just starting to talk about it. I’ve always maintained it is some of both. Our survey supports the idea it’s more common. When we sort men by age group, we find the following:

Age 25-34: 19% have always said no
Age 35-44: 10% have always said no
Age 45-54: 6% have always said no
Age 55 or older: 3% have always said no

See the trend there? It is difficult to find men 55 and older who have always said no – only 3%. Among men 25-34 almost one in five has always refused on occasion. Whatever the reasons for men saying no, it’s becoming more and more common with each generation.

A final word from the survey – 31% of refused wives have considered divorce. I understand why a woman would think this way. If you feel that way, please do everything you can to fix the issue before it comes to that.

Fixing It:

Like any problem, it won’t change without hard work. The first step is getting your husband to understand this is a big problem and you’re not willing to ignore it. According to our survey, almost half of refusing men feel bad for their wife, so he may already admit to himself it’s wrong. Tell him it hurts you, it hurts your love for him, and it’s putting your marriage at risk. Make it clear things can’t continue as they are; if he does nothing to change, your marriage relationship will change.

Once you get him to see the problem, be all about helping fix it. Ask him why he says no, using our survey if it helps. If he’s too busy, too stressed, or too tired, the only way to fix your sex life is to change his use of time. This may mean changing his job. It could mean moving into a smaller house so he doesn’t need to work so much. If he has sexual issues, find ways to fix them or work around them. Whatever it is, treat is as a couple issue, and do whatever you can to help.

If he says he has a low sex drive, our How to Get Him to Want Sex article might be helpful. If he just needs help getting turned on, the ideas there will be useful. Otherwise, they likely will not be enough.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’m very concerned about the growing number of men saying no in the marriage bed.

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{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }

libl August 7, 2015 at 3:36 am

For wives with the husbands in the “too tired/too much work/she takes too long” department, you may have to consider doing most of the “work” during sex. Woman on top position and using a vibe or your hand to stimulate rather than relying on him….also consider having quickies for a while just to temper him back into sex.

When sex becomes more work than pleasure for a man, the thrill of it and bonding and excitement for his wife wanes. Yes. He needs to work on it, too, but there are things you can do to help snap him out of it and be more receptive to change.


TH August 7, 2015 at 5:56 am

you’re right about that. This also could be a sign of a performance anxiety issue… he may feel like he can’t satisfy her.


Paul Byerly August 7, 2015 at 8:54 am

@libl – Great points. Unfortunate some men think it’s “their job” and don’t feel right about the things you suggest. If that is the case, dealing with his thinking becomes the issue.
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IntimacySeeker August 11, 2015 at 4:55 am

Paul, I wonder if some men think of it as more than their job. My husband takes great delight in turning me on and bringing me pleasure. More of a privilege than a duty.


Paul Byerly August 11, 2015 at 6:51 am

@IntimacySeeker – Yes, men do feel this way. I already have this topic slotted for my August 28th post.
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Amy August 7, 2015 at 10:39 pm

Good point, libl and I agree that the woman taking on more of the ‘work’ during sex can help him become more interested. My DH and I have struggled with him being too tired/stressed over work to want sex very often. So one day I decided to do as you suggested and take on most of the ‘work’ such as using a vibrator more so he didn’t always feel like sex was just more work for him. And I think it helped to an extent, but I would add a warning to this — do not let this become the norm! Lately, I’ve been finding myself not enjoying sex as much and realized how much I miss more foreplay from DH. He seems content lately to let me do all the ‘work’ and now it’s getting harder for me to get as aroused or to be as interested in having sex which I never thought I’d say since I’m a higher drive wife!
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Paul Byerly August 9, 2015 at 1:35 pm

@Amy – It could become a bad habit.
Ideally a couple both do most of the “work” on separate occasions. Then when you know your spouse is tired you can ask “are you up for ____ or ____?”
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TH August 7, 2015 at 4:37 am

Good write up and definitely true points. I don’t believe this is a full list of every reason nor do I think it was intended to be. Also, not every man does all of these, but definitely some truth in the points as ‘common’ reasons. I totally agree that there needs to be communication and that the wife needs to let the husband know how this affects her.

The concerning point of view that I see here though is that while it’s good to ‘deal with’ the issues, the approach seems to be to want to “make” him change; to get him to want sex where he may not have wanted it before. One has to be careful about the approach because in ‘my’ case, if I were being told things like “she’s not going to ignore it and it puts the marriage at risk”; I would feel those statements to be potential threats that she would look for an alternative to me and that could make a bad situation worse. I’m more likely to pull away even more at this point! This may be just a misguided interpretation of “words” but I think the point here is that she has to approach and deal with things carefully without setting ultimatums – a man in this mindset is not going to just adhere – remember, testosterone makes us ‘bold’ and more likely to fight than surrender.

My argument is this – when a woman says ‘no’ a man is expected to understand and give her space, time and get through it – when a man says ‘no’ a woman is given the approach of changing his direction. While ultimately a change must happen for things to get better, she must also be careful to not appear as being combative, argumentative and certainly not threatening. Certainly communicate and share how it makes you feel, but be reasonable in the actions that follow and if he’s still not willing – it may be time to consider consultative help.


Paul Byerly August 7, 2015 at 8:57 am

@TH – First know I apply this to men and women the same way. The reasons and solutions are often different, but the need to fix it is the same. No one gets a pass on this.
Sex is an important part of marriage, and when it’s not as it should be it hurts the relationship. This is a fact, and pointing out that fact is not an ultimatum. Ignoring the fact seems wrong to me. That said, if she has repeatedly addressed it and he has not changes, an ultimatum may be the only option left. Never a good first choice, but always better than just doing the “or else” without giving a warning and final chance to work on the issue.
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IntimacySeeker August 11, 2015 at 5:22 am

Very intriguing posts and dialogue here. The most important point for me is when we say “it’s not about you” that does not mean “this doesn’t affect you.” It means “you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, you can’t fix it.” A kinder way to say it is “this is my responsibility” and “I’m sorry for causing you pain.” Ideally, we then take action.


Paul Byerly August 11, 2015 at 6:48 am

@IntimacySeeker – Excellent points!
The “problem” with taking responsibility is then you feel bad if you don’t take action. I think this is a common issue.
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IntimacySeeker August 11, 2015 at 8:01 am

“The “problem” with taking responsibility is then you feel bad if you don’t take action.” Aha! Thanks for pointing this out. I have some deep thinking to do on this.


Feeling Hopeful August 11, 2015 at 12:11 pm

@IntimacySeeker Your points are true, and what I hope refused wives take from them. But when “It’s not about you” is repeated over and over it does hurt because it feels like the person saying it is either not recognizing or is minimizing the affects it does have on you. (Paul, I know you were not doing this. Just saying how it can feel. I even feel that way when my husband tells me “it’s not about me”. And, I think it also demonstrates a bit of his lack of understanding about the depth of hurt and pain his actions caused. Although, he is learning more every day about the impact of his actions.)

Also, most refusing men are very reluctant to discuss the issue with their wives. I think it’s more common for refusing wives to recognize there really is a problem and at least talk about the issues with her husband. The refusal of husbands to even discuss the issue adds another layer to problem and the hurt. I agree with Paul’s point about taking responsibility. That probably just adds to the list of reasons refusing husbands most likely won’t discuss the problem with their wife.

Perhaps it would be less hurtful if instead of saying “it’s not about you”, be clear and say “you are not the cause”. Or something like “The cause lies solely within him.” These phrases are not as catchy though.


anonymous please August 7, 2015 at 5:49 am

My husband, due to his age and having had a prostate procedure, takes a long time to climax and we will both tell you, THIS IS GREAT! My husband said that if people only knew… (He is apologetic at times about the ‘work’ this causes me. Nice work if you can get it!)


Paul Byerly August 7, 2015 at 8:59 am

@anonymous please – It certainly can be a blessing. What I was thinking of is men who need an hour or more of strong stimulation (inhibited ejaculation). This is frustrating for him and can lead to pain for her.
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anonymous please August 7, 2015 at 9:37 am

I see what you mean. Often he prefers not to continue to climax because he doesn’t want to keep going. No pain for me, though.


Paul Byerly August 7, 2015 at 8:37 pm

@anonymous please – The question is does he stop because he wants to, or he thinks you do? Hopefully you talk well enough to know.
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DC August 7, 2015 at 6:01 am

This is so crazy. My husband and I just talked about this a few days ago. We went through about a 6 month rough patch recently where I was depressed (just diagnosed and finally doing well now) and he was so stressed/tired from his job and my condition at sex was a major problem for us. I didn’t realize that we weren’t even having sex until a few months in because of the depression. He was aware of it, but didn’t know what to do and had his own issues to deal with anyway. When it came to my attention, there was a major unbalance because I was trying to initiate and be available all the time and he was still pretty much just taking care of himself. I was pretty hurt and so worried that he was into porn. FINALLY, and I mean like in the past month, things started normalizing because he started a new job where he makes more money and can work from home if he wants. He’s around more and isn’t stressed by his job. He said that must’ve been the problem – that stress and being so tired totally destroyed his sex drive. He seemed so relieved, like he was really worried but would never talk to me about it! Poor man.


Paul Byerly August 7, 2015 at 9:02 am

@DC – We are told men have a sex drive that stops for nothing. This is not the case, especially for men beyond the teens and early 20’s.
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J. Parker August 7, 2015 at 7:09 am

Excellent information here. I agree with your conclusions — it’s rarely about the wife. What’s particularly frustrating is that almost all of these issues could be dealt with if the couple chose to tackle them together. And that’s why heart, communication, and prayer mean so much, in my opinion. You have to want to want it.

Thanks for all of this, Paul! Great stuff.
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Paul Byerly August 7, 2015 at 9:05 am

@J. Parker – Thanks for joining the conversation!
I agree this stuff can be fairly easy if the couple can work on them together. Which requires talking about them, which is a big problem for many.
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spicywife August 7, 2015 at 9:59 am

Thank you for this article.
I am one of the wives who is dealing with this issue for over 10 years now.

“I know plenty of you who read here are frustrated by less sex than you want. You’ve heard all your life how men are sexually insatiable, but you’ve not found this is the case in your marriage. You’re hurt, frustrated, scared, and confused. Is it him, or you? Is he broken, or are you sexually undesirable?”- If I had a dollar for every time I have felt these feelings and thought these thoughts I could buy that mansion on the beach!

Your article is one of the first I have read on the subject that actually opened my mind to more reasons as to why he says no. While other articles have been somewhat helpful, yours has encouraged me to not give up! We have been working on communicating better which has helped a little. Sex is important and vital to a healthy, happy marriage. Thank you for reminding me it’s ok to want it more.


Paul Byerly August 7, 2015 at 8:36 pm

@spicywife – Hang in there and keep talking. You have my prayers!
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Paul August 7, 2015 at 10:30 am

What can you say are the causes when the woman is the onn that says no to sex and never initiated it?


Paul Byerly August 7, 2015 at 8:33 pm

@Paul – I did that post over on TGH three years ago. It was also based on a survey. See Why wives say no to sex, and what a man can do about it.
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Feeling Hopeful August 7, 2015 at 4:54 pm

Another great article Paul! Thank you for tackling this topic and for pointing out the increasing frequency of it. I felt so alone in this for way too long. Refused wives typically don’t want to discuss this problem with anyone because of the stereotype that men always want sex. Also, I was worried about the conclusions people would make if they knew. For example, he must be having an affair or he would want sex. Discovering Christian blogs like this have really helped me feel understood and are helpful now as I go through the healing process after decades of a sexless marriage. Yours are especially helpful because you have a male perspective.

I’m going to nitpick a couple of things because as a wife who has experienced much refusal I feel they are important distinctions. When I hear these things, they are hurtful even though I know that is not the intent. In fact, the intent is to be helpful and try to minimize the hurt by giving perspective to the problem. So here goes:

“The point I want to make here is he’s not choosing masturbation over sex with you; he is masturbating because he feels too tried to have sex with you. In other words, it’s not you, it’s him.”

I know that your point here is that the underlying reason for the choice to masturbate rather than have sex with his wife has nothing to do with the wife. I believe your goal is to try to get women to stop internalizing the refusal because the reasons they typically perceive are not really the causes for the behaviors. But, to say “he isn’t choosing masturbation over sex with you” is just not accurate. He is MOST DEFINITELY CHOOSING masturbation over sex with his wife! That’s what my husband did for years. That fact will never change. He chose to deal with his sexual needs by masturbating instead of having sex with me. He chose not to discuss his refusal and reasons with me even though I tried to talk about it many times. These were conscious decisions he made because he was he was being selfish and didn’t understand the huge impact his decisions had on me and our marriage.

The other thing that I find hurtful in posts like these is the constant use of the phrase “it’s not about you”. Again, I totally understand the point of this phrase…so women will look at the likely causes that have nothing to with her looks, whether or not her husband is attracted to her, etc. But, when you are being refused constantly, IT IS ABOUT YOU! No, it wasn’t about my looks, about his attraction to me, about his lack of love or any of the other reasons most refused wives internalize. And, the reasons for refusal were all about him. But, IT WAS ABOUT ME! Every time he refused me, it had an impact on me. Every time he masturbated and watched porn, it had an impact on me. Every time he refused to talk about the problem and real causes, it hurt me and demonstrated that there was at least one area where he didn’t completely trust me. Yes, not wanting to open up was an internal issue with him, but it had a profound impact on me and our marriage. With each refusal, my sexuality was ignored and considered insignificant. That was all about me! After a while of his refusal, I began to question his faithfulness. After several years in a sexless marriage, I began considered having an affair. At some point, porn became alluring. I felt like I had to masturbate to “get my release”. With that came feelings of guilt and feeling like I was cheating. I was terrified of what he would do if he ever caught me masturbating even though it was due to utter lack of sex. All along, he was choosing to masturbate instead of coming to me to meet his sexual needs. So, to say that his refusal “is not about me” is hurtful and not completely accurate.

I hope I didn’t go too far with my nitpicking, but I do think these are important things to consider. When you are a wife being refused on a regular basis, the hurt and rejection run deep. I really appreciate your efforts to help wives understand the “true” likely causes for the rejection. When it comes to list of reasons, I think they were spot on. Several of these were the case for my husband and they changed over time. The initial cause was depression over a loss. After recovering from that, it was work stress and a performance issue. Once his work stress decreased and his drive increased, he turned to porn because of the performance issue. It was a long and difficult road, but we are now coming out the other side. There is hope for other wives in the same situation!


Paul Byerly August 9, 2015 at 1:32 pm

@Feeling Hopeful – I hear you, really I do. I was told no most of the time for years, so I have felt your pain. In my case it was because of past sexual abuse. While this caused some sympathy on my part, it did nothing to remove the pain and frustration.
I do think knowing it’s not her fault is important for women (and men) as it makes it more likely they will pursue the issue. I also think there is a difference between choosing masturbation over one’s spouse and choosing not to have sex with the spouse and then masturbating. It may seem like a small difference, and it does not help it hurt less, but it does matter when it comes to dealing with the problem.
I’m glad you are getting some traction, praying it gets a lot better!
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Feeling Hopeful August 10, 2015 at 1:09 am

Thanks Paul! Things are much better now. The healing process will continue for a while, but my husband is now aware and working hard to change. When it comes to past sexual abuse, I think the issues are so much more difficult. I admire Lori for all she did to overcome her past and you for remaining patient and loving.

I think a big difference between refusing wives and refusing husbands is the issue of masturbation. I’d venture to say that most wives who refuse regularly are not masturbating, but most husbands who refuse regularly are. The wives are choosing to abstain thinking that sex just isn’t that necessary, but the husbands are continuing to have a sex life apart from their wife. (Not that one is necessarily better.) I understand the point you’re making about choosing to not to have sex and then masturbating, but to me it doesn’t change the fact that the ultimate choice is not to have sex with his wife. My husband wasn’t choosing not to have sex at all. He was choosing not to have sex with me every time he masturbated. There were probably numerous times that he refused me and masturbated the same night. He said no to me and then masturbated. I was available. In fact, I was the one who asked and and he refused. Then he chose to masterbate. Masturbation may have been his secondary choice due to the real issues, but he absolutely choose it over having sex with me. He wanted me to think he wasn’t interested in sex at all, when in fact, he was pleasuring himself regularly. And there was also an expectation on his part that I stay faithful. He expected me to remain completely celibate while he chose solo sex and eventually porn. I feel betrayed by both the masturbation and the porn use. I think it’s important that refusing husbands realize the impact they are having on their wives. To your point in the article my opinion remains; if a husband is too tired to have sex with his wife, he shouldn’t be having sex at all. If he then chooses to masturbate when his wife is available, he is choosing masturbation over sex with her. Once he chooses to masturbate, the underlying reason becomes secondary to this decision. I know my opinion is tainted by my experience, but I’d also venture to say that most refused wives probably feel the same way.

I agree that women (and men) need to understand that the cause has nothing to do with them. I feel fortunate that I never believed that. If I had, I’m not sure I could have made it so long in a sexless marriage.


Paul Byerly August 10, 2015 at 10:04 am

@Feeling Hopeful – Thank you for your kind words. I have great respect for what my wife has accomplished!

You said:

“Once he chooses to masturbate, the underlying reason becomes secondary to this decision.”

I get that, really. And I’m sure other women in the same place do too. I know it’s more common for refusing men to masturbate than refusing women, but solo sex by women who say no is not unknown. If a woman has a sex drive but is saying no to sex for other reasons, she may take care of it herself. And if her husband finds out he will be hurt and angry.

Thanks for being willing to discuss this here, I’m sure it will help others.
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Feeling Hopeful August 11, 2015 at 12:26 pm

I wonder about the cause of the refusal in the refusing wives who still have a drive and choose to masturbate. Do you think the issues are mostly relational for these situations?…They aren’t getting what they need emotionally so they cut off sex?

When I read comments from refused wives and refused husbands on blogs, I notice some differences in the way they talk about the situation and pain. It seems like men have a harder time seeing the positives in the relationship when they are being refused. I assume this is because men connect sex and love differently than women. I also notice that the women who seem to deeply internalize the refusal also have a harder time seeing the positives in the relationship.


Paul Byerly August 11, 2015 at 10:01 pm

@Feeling Hopeful – I would guess relational issues are the biggest factor. Probably also some manipulation and passive/aggressive stuff too. And I suspect busyness is also at play for some. They can do it themselves far faster.
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Me August 9, 2015 at 12:27 pm

Hooray Paul!!! Thank you for FINALLY talking about this. This is a topic no one ever talks about, especially men. So much of the available help out there is for men who are refused by their wives. It only makes a woman in this situation feel that much worse. THANK YOU for tackling this hard to talk about subject.

As a wife who was refused for a couple years, I felt very much that it was about me. 100%. I felt all the negative emotions you listed above and more. Ugly, unworthy, unloved, repulsive. How could I not be? When all I read said that “all” men wanted sex “all the time” and why we should give it to them. I was certain I was the only wife on earth who wasn’t good enough for her husband. I couldn’t reconcile his saying “I love you so much” with his lack of desire for me. I was sure he’d married the wrong girl. :(

I think if refusing men who honestly love their wives (and vice versa) could understand just how hurtful and damaging their refusal is, perhaps they’d be more willing to change.

I’m happy to report we are on the road to healing. It’s a long and winding road, but praise God we are headed in the right direction. Thanks again for being willing to take this on. It’s like a breath of fresh air to a hurting woman!


Paul Byerly August 9, 2015 at 1:47 pm

@Me – I always felt if Lori knew how much it hurt me she’d find a way to do more. Of course in our situation she was struggling with all the junk from her past, and now I realise she was doing pretty much as much as should could do without losing her sanity. If she understood how much it hurt I fear it would have been too much for her.
On the other hand, if the refusing spouse is doing it out of selfishness or because they are unwilling to deal with something, I think understanding would be a strong motivator.
I’ve been know to say “If you want to hurt your spouse as much as possible, say no to sex repeatedly.”
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sunny-dee August 12, 2015 at 6:55 am

What did you do to bring about that change? What did your husband do and how did that conversation go?

I’ve mentioned this before, but my husband had a really active sexual past before we met, so it has to be me. How can he be totally sexual with 100 other women, for years, and then not be interested in sex with me, unless it’s really he’s not interested in sex with me.


FrustratedHusband August 13, 2015 at 11:13 am

After being rejected by my wife more times than not over our 24 year marriage, I have lost all desire to have sex with her. I am not a lazy lover or a dead beat husband, I love my wife very much, always have, always will, she is a beautiful, loving person and such a great mother to our kids. There are no issues outside of the bedroom, we have always got along great. All these years I was told sex just isn’t important to her and I’ve heard every possible excuse not to have sex. When I finally suggested a trial separation, maybe we just needed time apart, she finally decided we needed to work to improve our sex life and she has made some effort. The problem is it is too little too late. She will actually initiate sex now, but I have absolutely no urge to have sex with her anymore. When we do have sex there is no passion, I find it boring, unsatisfying and I just want to get it over. I feel no connection with her in the bedroom, no intimacy. I feel our marriage could have been so much better than it is, I used to fight so hard to do whatever was necessary to save our marriage, but I no longer care, it’s not worth the effort. If you’re not willing to share this intimacy with the person you say you want to spend the rest of your life with, don’t get married, it’s part of the vows. When I first got married I thought for sure things would improve, boy was I naive.


Paul Byerly August 14, 2015 at 8:06 am

@FrustratedHusband – I understand your frustration, and I am praying God will help you care again. Passion and desire can be reignited.
Paul Byerly recently posted…So Much Drywall!My Profile


Bonny August 26, 2015 at 6:09 am

I find it very interesting that only 8% of the respondents felt a correlation between porn use and their refusal. My gut tells me that this should be a higher number, especially among the younger gents. Thank you for addressing this issue, Paul. I have many higher drive wives stopping by O7 to see if I have any lower drive help for their hubbies.


Paul Byerly August 26, 2015 at 9:26 am

@Bonny – Self perception is always iffy. Then there is the matter of which is cause and effect.
Paul Byerly recently posted…She’s Brave, I’m Just CrazyMy Profile


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