Sex is Too Much Work

August 14, 2015

in Uncategorized

I think many women worry their husband thinks sex is “too much work” and/or “she takes too long”.

Unhappy couple in bed © mast3r |

I talk about sex with many men, and these thoughts aren’t nearly as common as women think. That said, I am hearing it more often than I used to, and I have a pretty good idea why this is the case.

One Word: Porn

It’s been a long time since I looked at porn (yay!) but I doubt it’s changed. I also doubt it has any more to do with real sex than it did when I was looking. 

  • In porn, most women don’t need or even want foreplay. For those who do, tearing off clothing seems to be all they need.
  • In porn women climax early and often. She’s had one before she’s naked. She has one as he enters her, and then another one every minute or so.
  • She needs nothing more than what he wants for his pleasure. A bit of thrusting is enough to drive her wild.
  • When he climaxes, she has orgasmed so many times she has no desire to keep going.

For the record, I don’t think there is a woman alive who is this way. Maybe a very few are close on occasion, but not all the time. Most will never be within a mile of those things. It’s not how God made women, and there is nothing a woman can do to change.

Some Reality:

  • Most women need about 20 minutes of foreplay to be really ready for intercourse. This varies from woman to woman and time to time. Given the right situation, some women can sometimes skip foreplay, and needing half an hour is well within normal.
  • Many women don’t feel “horny” until sex play has started. The normal female pattern is for arousal to follow stimulation. Again, this varies. Some women sometimes feel arousal first (particularly near ovulation) and a few do so most of the time. For many women arousal first is rare or unknown. This isn’t because she’s “broken” – it’s how God made her.
  • Most women don’t climax from intercourse alone. The famous 30% figure is garbage, one of those lies repeated so often everyone thinks it’s true. However, few women always climax from just intercourse, and plenty never or only on rare occasions do so. (His hand, your hand, or a vibrator between the two of you can be a wonderful thing.)
  • Once a woman is “warmed up” it can take anywhere from ten to thirty minutes of stimulation to reach climax. Most men can go from zero to sixty in a couple of minutes. However, faster is not better. The longer he’s aroused before he climaxes the better it is for him. Besides, arousal feels good, and prolonged stimulation feels very good. (It’s easy to enjoy the journey when the destination is guaranteed.) I think God made women “slower” because He wanted men to learn to slow down and enjoy it more. He’s easily aroused to ensure sex happens often, you’re a bit slower to ensure it lasts long enough to fully enjoy it.

Most Men Are Up for Whatever

Some men have been poisoned by porn, but I find most men are eager to do whatever it takes to give their wife sexual pleasure. I knew a fellow who regularly gave his wife an hour of oral sex. He was usually in pain the next day, but he said he’d gladly go two hours if she needed it. The problem is many men have no idea how to give their wife pleasure. A lack of non-porn sex education and a lack of feedback from their wife leaves them floundering in bed. This leads to frustration and loss of interest. Plenty of men who “don’t care about their wife’s pleasure” actually do care but have given up on ever knowing what to do for her.

Communicate a Bit

If sex isn’t what you need it to be, speak up. If your husband is living under the false sexuality of porn, give him the facts above that are true for you. Ask him if he wants to be able to give you pleasure, and if he says yes take him at his word. Then work to educate him about your body, and mind, and how to stimulate both. It may take some trial and error, but you can do it.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I love rocking my wife’s world!

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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

J August 14, 2015 at 2:33 am

For those women who want to start that conversation of, “Hey…I need a bit more *fill in the blank*” can you give us some phrases that will get the message across in a gentle & loving way? “Sex isn’t great for me” doesn’t seem like it would be well received. What are some conversation starters? How can we communicate our needs without tearing him down or seemingly criticizing his skill (for lack of a better word)?


Paul Byerly August 14, 2015 at 8:59 pm

@J – “I’d like sex to be better for both of us” would be a good starting place. It’s not about how it is, but how great you think it could be.
Paul Byerly recently posted…So Much Drywall!My Profile


Amy August 14, 2015 at 7:23 am

Good post.
I am one of those women who often feels that hubby thinks sex is just more work and that I take way too long for him…and mostly I feel this way because he has a lower drive than me which is mostly caused from his extremely long work hours. Sex for us usually only happens once on the weekends and even then it often feels rushed to me (when will my son be home from work, who will come knocking at the door, etc) and lately it’s been lacking enough foreplay for me to be guaranteed to reach the destination too. Very frustrating when you know there is a whole week in between.
And you’re right — it is easy to enjoy the journey when the destination is guaranteed — and unfortunately that isn’t always the case for the woman.

Yeah, yeah, people say women don’t need to orgasm to enjoy the sexual experience, well, I disagree! If I don’t reach that destination too it just feels like a let down. Maybe if sex were more often it wouldn’t.
It would be like going out for a fun evening — you two have enjoyed planning a special evening out for dinner, get all dressed up, tease and flirt, but once you get to the restaurant the wife only gets to have one bite of the main course while hubby gets to enjoy every single bite and dessert too!

So while it isn’t porn which has caused some of the issues you discussed, it is still difficult when life itself has changed the dynamics of our sex life and this high drive wife misses not only more frequent sex we once had, but longer slower lovemaking sessions too.
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Lori Byerly August 14, 2015 at 8:32 am

Amy, if your son is old enough to work, he is old enough to understand that a closed door means “do not disturb.” Have a little talk with him, turn on some cover noise, and remove one thing that is rushing your bedroom time. I know this seems small, but most large problems have many small components. Start taking them out one at a time.


Paul Byerly August 14, 2015 at 9:04 pm

@Amy – I have never said a women does not need an orgasm. Some women say they don’t on some occasions, others want one (or more) every time.
I figure I should be down for whatever it takes to give her all she wants. Likewise her for me.
Paul Byerly recently posted…So Much Drywall!My Profile


Amy August 15, 2015 at 10:55 am

Sorry, didn’t mean to imply I thought you were saying women don’t need an orgasm….you have never said that! Actually you blog is one of the few where you encourage both spouses to make it happen if that is what the woman wants each and every time.
Too often I read other blogs where it comes across at least as women can enjoy the experience with or without an orgasm…perhaps true, but try saying that to a man and you will get a huge outcry from the male readers!
And I’ve often said, that perhaps if my husband and I made love more than once a week then maybe I too would not feel the necessity of an orgasm each time.
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Paul Byerly August 15, 2015 at 12:25 pm

@Amy – Din’t think you were accusing me of that!
I can sort of understand enjoying sex without orgasm. It feels so good in so many ways, and I’d not feel cheated if I occasionally did not climax. The problem is I’d be left in a bad place physically. I realise women are not built the same way, but many women also feel pressure if they get aroused and don’t climax. Others say they only feel that way some of the time. I figure the person who lives in the body is the expert and should get what they want.
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Amy August 14, 2015 at 9:07 am

My son is 20 and my husband is his stepfather. We have a small house so even if he knows what a closed door means it still isn’t something I wish to be doing when I know he’s home or may be home any minute…doesn’t help me relax much! So we try hard to plan around his work hours which usually works out fine especially since he does work full time over the weekend. And someday we’ll have the house to ourselves, so I keep telling myself! LOL
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libl August 14, 2015 at 6:08 pm

My husband has flat out told me that I take too long, and it is too much work. He told me I should masturbate and leave him alone sometimes, and he masturbates because he doesn’t want to have to please me. He also said, “you keep saying you want to make love. I just want sex!” He also said God made a mistake creating women to take longer and not able to climax easily or at all through intercourse like men.

He said all this 2-3 years ago and our sex life has improved a bit since then, but his feelings on the subject havent changed much. I have had to give up many orgasms and train myself to orgasm quickly (through masturbation…he will not give me oral or manual to climax. At best, I can masturbate during intercourse, but I better be fast because if he comes first, I fly solo or not at all. And there is no foreplay. It’s now or never.

Why? I think porn, previous girlfriends who faked it, and Hollywood sex scenes in movies have influenced him, plus just a general problem with selfishness and relationship laziness.

I have talked with him. He argues. I have given him facts and tried educating him and he gets mad and says he knows all this and knows what he is doing. I tried directing him during sex and he pulls away. I tried initiating, not initiating, doing it all his way, asking for mutuality, reading books to him, articles, blah blah blah.

So I am left with just grabbing what I can get and that’s that.


Paul Byerly August 14, 2015 at 9:09 pm

@libl – I’m so sorry. For what it’s worth, if he thinks God made a mistake I wouldn’t expect him to listen to you.
Paul Byerly recently posted…So Much Drywall!My Profile


A August 14, 2015 at 11:17 pm

This is a tough subject. My husband is a nice guy, who would like for me to have more fun. But I think he thinks it is just me. I mean in our case it’s especially bad since we’ve been married over a decade and I’ve never orgasamed. Its not that he doesn’t care, but sex is such a touchy subject we’ve mostly just given up talking about it.
Basically we’ve fallen into a viscous circle, where I’m not that interested in sex because it really isn’t that fantastic for me. So then he gets frustrated because not only am I not that interested but I’m not as into it and adventures as he would like. And then he doesn’t feel I deserve romance (and no I’m not just imaging that, he has actually told me that in a fight) because I don’t do what he likes either.
I think you may be right and previous porn watching, but also just plain old Hollywood is a problem, as well as ex-girlfriends and just stories told amongst guys in the locker room.
So, while I hear what you are saying, and agree that he would like for me to have more fun, I also think he doesn’t believe that this is what women in general need.
The whole thing really does make me feel broken. And yeah, I read your blog and others that tell me this is how God made women, but there is just no way to say it nicely: it sucks and is very unfair.


Paul Byerly August 15, 2015 at 9:58 am

@A – Sorry for the struggles.
I generally figure what’s said in an argument is meant to hurt, and may have nothing to do with how someone really thinks and feels. At the very least it’s usually an exaggeration.
Being able to orgasm would change things for you, and for him. I’m doing a post in a couple of weeks on why her orgasm is so important to him, and I’ll give some information and links in that and/or a follow up.
Paul Byerly recently posted…You Will Never Look at a Chair the Same WayMy Profile


Kay August 15, 2015 at 7:50 am

This is reassuring; thank you. I always fear that my husband is annoyed I take so long, although he has never said or done anything to imply that, so I am not sure where that insecurity comes from. Maybe in the same way that guys have been misled about women’s sexuality, so have we as women, so we wonder what is wrong with us that we don’t respond like we see on TV. But my husband tells me his penis doesn’t lie; if he were bored/annoyed, I’d know it. Ha!


Kay August 15, 2015 at 8:01 am

Or maybe premarital expectations play a role too? My hubby and I saved oral sex and PIV sex for marriage, but there was plenty of manual stimulation and the like that probably set an inaccurate precedent of how long it takes after that initial infatuation and “naughty factor” had long expired.


Paul Byerly August 15, 2015 at 10:05 am

@Kay – Certainly another factor for many couples. It builds sexuality on a false foundation and can lead to problems later.
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Paul Byerly August 15, 2015 at 10:03 am

@Kay – Media certainly does fill us with harmful lies about sex!
Your husband is right about the penis, it does not lie!
Paul Byerly recently posted…You Will Never Look at a Chair the Same WayMy Profile


marriedheat August 18, 2015 at 2:25 pm

After reading this, I’ve had a few epiphanies. One was reasons why men turn to porn when in a seemingly happy marriage. I wrote an ill-conceived blog post about including porn between couples that I have since taken down.

Most of my writings come from my own experiences in a 30+ year marriage. My marriage has not been “perfect” but we continue to learn. After more thought, I realized that my wife’s low libido, coupled with media bombardment of what a “perfect man” looks like, has created a “self image” problem for me. I’ve discussed this with my wife over the past year and things have improved.

Back in the spring, my wife started feeling ill and has yet to recover. Anything strenuous makes her conditions worse, including sex. So take an already low libido wife, add a health issue that gets worse after having sex, and you’ve brewed the prefect storm for more feelings of inadequacy in my self image.

That led me to wonder about the male body image and how the media (including porn) play against men as well as women. The media (including porn) lead women to believe the perfect body and libido are out of reach.

Well, the same type of messages are sent to men. Male porn stars also have perfect bodies, can bring the female porn star to orgasm simply by walking in the room, and them bring the female to several orgasms in 15-20 minutes. TV commercials do the same.

I reblogged a post about the male body image, but I’m also interested in hearing from men and how they perceive their own body. So, if the admins will approve this comment, I’d ask the men reading this to click either the link to the post shown below (Men Have Body Image Issues, Too) or click this link to take a very short poll about how they view their body.

The link to the poll is:

Thank you.
marriedheat recently posted…Men Have Body Image Issues, TooMy Profile


Paul Byerly August 19, 2015 at 9:25 pm

@marriedheat – No question about it, porn lies about men and male sexuality too. This is particularly a problem for younger men who see porn during or before their sexuaity is taking shape
Paul Byerly recently posted…What Makes you Feel Like a Man?My Profile


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