Shake Up Sex

August 21, 2015

in Uncategorized

Last Friday in Sex is Too Much Work, I mentioned vibrators. This is a tricky topic for many.

First the morality issue. I’ve talked to some who think sex toys are wrong, but I’ve never been shown a Bible verse to back that up. If you don’t feel right about using them, then for you it’s not right. Same if your husband feels it’s morally wrong.

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The other issue is concerns about how he will feel about a vibrator. Will he feel replaced or less of man? Such men do exist, but they’re actually few and far between. Most of the men I know and talk to are all about doing whatever makes sex great for their wife. If she needs or wants a vibe for it to be great, he’s all about learning how to use it. We get far more emails from men wanting to know how to introduce a vibrator than men upset about them or women wanting to know how to get hubby to go for it.

That said, a few thoughts on making it easy for him. Something that looks just like a real penis may be difficult for him (not to mention you). Unrealistic colours are good for this reason. Some men will have an issue with a very large (read larger than he is) vibrating dildo. On the other hand, some men really get into putting something large in their wife. I suspect this usually comes from porn viewing, and if you feel uncomfortable about it in any way say no.

Actually, a dildo is a poor choice for many women. Many men think sex for her is all about penetration, but you know better. There’s a reason the most popular vibrators are for the clitoris, or have both a shaft and something to vibrate the clitoris. 

If you try a vibe with hubby, he is likely to get carried away. His more-is-better mentality will have him running it at full speed, which is certainly not what you want, especially to start. Before you hand him a vibe give him some basic instruction: foreplay is still appreciated or needed, and when the vibe is used, it needs to be set on low to start. Also, let him know near the clitoris is a better starting place than dead on it. If it’s an issue for you, warn him to back of when you climax to avoid overstimulating you.

You can use a vibe as part of foreplay and then set it aside when you move to intercourse. He can use it to bring you to orgasm before or after intercourse – or both if you work that way. One excellent way to use a vibe is to put a small bullet or egg vibe between your bodies in any face-to-face sex position. He will feel the vibrations too, so it’s not just for you. Some women find using a vibe this way is the only way or the only sure way to climax during intercourse.

The first few times you include a vibe in sex, be sure to thank your husband for making you feel so good. The vibe is a tool he uses, not a replacement.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and if it’s good for her, I’m for it.

This Week’s TMB Survey is on masturbation in marriage. Is it okay, do you, and if so why.

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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Reiko August 21, 2015 at 10:53 am

Any ideas for if sex really is too much work, and even vibrators don’t do it? With manual, my husband generally complains after a few minutes that his hands hurt, so even when I like what he’s doing, it never lasts long enough. I’ve tried at least four different kinds of vibrators, from small bullets, to large massagers, to butterfly combo items, but either I can barely feel anything, so it’s boring, or it’s painfully sharp and I can’t tolerate it for long.


Randy August 21, 2015 at 4:05 pm

Try something from we-vibe. The we-vibe touch is what my wife found works best for her. She had similar complaints/comments.


Paul Byerly August 21, 2015 at 7:11 pm

@Reiko – The best vibrator, according to many, is the Hitachi Magic Wand. It’s rather big, and it produces a different kind of vibration – slower deeper waves instead of the buzzing of most small vibes.
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Anonymous August 22, 2015 at 1:38 am

I love my Hitachi Magic Wand! We haven’t even touched my other vibrators since getting the Hitachi. It’s bulky and requires an outlet, but it’s very powerful. (I tend to need a lot of stimulation for orgasm.) I find that wrapping the head with a washcloth helps a lot with sensitivity and provides good friction. The washcloth also helps diffuse some of the heat the Hitachi puts off after a while. My husband was a little surprised that I quit wanting to use any other vibes, but he’s glad I find this one so reliable. We’ve found several rather unique ways to use it that are a big turn on (and some ways are mutually beneficial) for both of us. I generally have more success reaching orgasm when I control the vibrator, but my husband helps by holding, kissing and caressing me. I would highly recommend giving the Hitachi Magic Wand a try.


Anonymous August 22, 2015 at 1:46 am

Oh yeah, we’ve also found that I can generally reach orgasm faster if my husband manually stimulates me prior to using the Hitachi. The manual stimulation is what gets me very aroused. Then we use the vibrator to take me over the edge.


Paul Byerly August 23, 2015 at 9:39 am

@Anonymous – Thanks for the review!
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Dan August 23, 2015 at 8:23 pm

As we guys age, we too may find the addition of vibration to not only be an enhancement but necessary at times. Sex is not only about the orgasm, but sex without the orgasm can be less fulfilling than we might desire. If a vibe makes orgasm possible when additional stimulation is needed, our partner should not feel they are being replaced but are helping in the best way possible under the circumstances. Consider this too guys: there may be a time when the vibe is necessary in your life. If it’s already in the toy box you don’t have to get into an awkward conversation about it. You just say, “Let me give that thing a try. Show me how to use it.” You get the vibe and she is “given” permission to use it on you. Like oral or masturbating you, she gets the kick of being in control over your orgasm. Women love that for a change.
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Paul Byerly August 24, 2015 at 11:00 am

@Dan – All men have some loss of penile sensitivity with age. For some it’s minor, for others it can be a problem.
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A different Anonymous August 24, 2015 at 2:40 am

I have a Magic Wand that I use for its intended purpose – back massage – and I just want to caution people that most of my friends and family find it to rough even for that, so –


Stephen Howe August 24, 2015 at 4:12 am

I “broke” my wife Saturday night with the vibe. Wasn’t intentional but she DID have the best orgasm she’s ever had and she DID smile and blush Sunday after church when I asked if it was the best sex she’s ever had. She had a hard time walking she ached so much (she had no desire to explain why she ached in church if anyone asked! :) ) and she kept saying “You’re smiling and you’re acting proud!” but then I’d reply “You’re smiling too!”

We haven’t used it in a while and I brought it in to our foreplay ~20-30 minutes in. We didn’t end until ~another 60 minutes later, but it was a great night of sex that we don’t get as often we we’d like.


Paul Byerly August 24, 2015 at 11:02 am

@Stephen Howe – Further proof God likes women more!
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