Why Your Orgasm Matters To Him So Much

August 28, 2015

in Uncategorized

I recently read an article entitled “Why men need to relieve themselves of ‘orgasm obligation’“. A secular woman writes it from a single and dating viewpoint, so it’s not completely relevant for this group. However, it does touch on something I’ve heard from wives.

A bit of the article as a starting place:

“Dear Men,

It is time you were emancipated from Orgasm Obligation. Yes, we like them. Yes, we don’t think you should not consider our need to have them. But please, for the love of sex that is actually satisfying, dispense with this destructive desire to do sex at us until we climax, Every Single Time. We don’t have to ‘finish’ to finish. We don’t have to be coming to enjoy the going on. Just relax, and enjoy yourself, and let us enjoy ourselves, and the good sex will work itself out. Start to focus on finding the fun, and we’ll stop the un-fun business of faking it. And please, please, please, please, don’t kid yourself into thinking that our orgasm is, by definition, a sign of your sexual prowess.”

Man who thinks he's great in bed. © Igor Mojzes | dollarphotoclub.com

When I was young (high school and college age) I ran across men (boys actually) who thought giving their conquest an orgasm was proof of their sexual prowess. They were keeping score, and her orgasm meant major points. Fortunately, most men outgrow this thinking, and those who don’t are unlikely to marry, so this isn’t common among married men over 25.

Yes, most husbands do put a huge focus on their wife’s sexual pleasure. I can see how that could feel uncomfortable and cause problems. How is it good for him to care more about your orgasm than you do, and why would he?

Have you ever seen something, or read, or heard something, and felt you just had to share it with the man you love? It could be a sunset, a beautiful piece of music, a bit of poetry, or a brilliant concept you’d never heard before. You wanted your husband to see/hear/experience it because you love him so much. Additionally, sharing it with him makes it better for you.

Sex is this way for men. We don’t want to have sex with you, we want to share it with you. We don’t want you to enjoy it just so you’ll be more likely to do it again; we want you to enjoy it because we enjoy it. We find great pleasure and intimacy in sex, and we want the same for you. Most men would like their wife to enjoy sex even more than they do, and would go to great lengths to make this her reality.

I realise there are other areas of life where you wish your husband felt the same way. I get it, and I’m sorry if he doesn’t. I can tell you diving into sex with him is likely to cause him to want to dive into other things with you. Sex is so big for him it’s hard for him to see past it. However, when you dive in with him it’s no longer something he needs to see past, and he can start to see other things. Once he has enjoyed doing something fully with you, he will want more of the same. 

~ Paul – I’m XY and I like to share music, sunsets, and sex with my wonderful wife.

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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

IntimacySeeker August 28, 2015 at 5:11 am

I wonder if part of the issue is the husband’s assumption (insistence?) that orgasm does for his wife what it does for him. For me personally, it’s nice but not a big deal if it doesn’t happen. It is not essential to my sense of wellbeing or my level of happiness.

I’m having trouble believing that conquest does not play a major role for the husband. If this is not about conquest and power, why the peacock proud attitude and sense of “I can now conquer the world” the following day?


Paul Byerly August 28, 2015 at 10:14 am

@IntimacySeeker We do assume what we experaince is the reality of the whole world, don’t we?
Some of the conquer the world comes from feeling good, and sex is great at making us feel good – about ourselves, our wives, and our relationship.
There is a thin line between success and conquest, and telling one from the other is difficult even from the inside.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Clitoris & Orgasm – Happy Accident, or Intended for Pleasure?My Profile


Kay August 28, 2015 at 6:59 am

Thanks for explaining why it means so much; that “shared experience” is a great way to put it. Here is where it needs to come back to good communication between spouses, though, because a male’s “enjoyment factor” is not measured the same way a woman’s is. If you are enjoying a beautiful sunset together, perhaps the most enjoyable things to you are the colors and the beauty whereas she is enjoying your company even more than the sunset. Similarly, there may be times and stages of life where sex is MORE enjoyable if a husband would focus on pleasure–not orgasm. Yes, orgasms are pleasurable, but experiencing pressure to orgasm when it isn’t going to happen? That takes away any pleasure we otherwise might have had.

Two examples. After our third daughter was born, I temporarily lost a lot of feeling down there and orgasm was all but impossible. Our sex life was absolutely awful because my husband kept insisting that we try to get me to orgasm. Only when he finally accepted that it wasn’t going to happen did our sex life improve. It took him a long time to believe me that I could still tremendously enjoy sex even if I did not finish. Another time this happens is if I have had an emotional day and had been crying and he comforts me, which usually leads to sex because of the intense emotional connection I feel at that moment. But in that moment, it is about the connection more than the orgasm, and because I am recovering from being upset, it is very unlikely for me to “get my head in the game” enough to orgasm. I just want to be with him.

So ladies reading this… Tell your hubby what you want!! There is no way for him to guess correctly every time when it changes so often! And Paul, keep telling the guys that sometimes they just need to let go of the O! Focus on mutual enjoyment and intimacy, period.


Paul Byerly August 28, 2015 at 10:22 am

@Kay – I know what you describe is normal for women, but it’s fringe at best for men, making it hard for us to grasp/accept. I enjoy sex on many levels, but not climaxing would leave me uncomfortable physically and emotionally. Orgasm is not the goal, or not the only goal, but for most men it is usually a necessary part.
When a wife says she does not need to climax, I think what we often hear is “I want to, but it’s clear you are unable to make it happen, so I’m going to save your feeling by saying I don’t want to orgasm.” This is fueled by the fact most women have faked orgasm on occasion, and “Saving his feelings” is one of the more common reasons given for doing so. And of course on any discussion of how important orgasm is, a few women say they want and need it every time. So we assume those women, who mirror our reality, are telling the truth and the rest are not.
I think one way a wife can help is by sharing the variation she experiences. Tell him when you really, really needed to climax. Tell him when it was nice but not necessary, and tell him when going for a climax would have interfered with what you needed more. If he is paying attention, he will eventually figure out it varies from time to time. At that point telling him what you want this time will result in him hearing and believing you.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Friday Flashback: Clitoris & Orgasm – Happy Accident, or Intended for Pleasure?My Profile


Kay September 5, 2015 at 5:48 am

Good points, Paul. As we both said, good communication is key. At least for me, I suppose yes, I would like to orgasm, but there are times that other things trump that desire. If it is going to take me a long time and we are already both exhausted, yes, I’d like to orgasm but if it is going to take an hour with no guaranteed success so that my husband is so exhausted that even HE cannot finish, that sounds awful. I would rather have a quickie, which leaves me feeling powerful and highly satisfied in that instance.

Or when breastfeeding, yes, I would like to orgasm, but the fact is that I cannot. Period. I cannot even bring myself to orgasm. It has nothing at all to do with my husband and everything to do with my hormones and numbness down there that is literally making orgasm impossible. Do I like it? No. But that was my reality and the pressure to defy that reality was ruining sex.

Anyway, I suppose my point is that my desire to orgasm has very little to do with what my husband is or isn’t doing and everything to do with my own knowledge of myself and what it is going to take to get me there. A weak, half-orgasm after an hour of effort because my body is not cooperating is going to leave me highly unsatisfied and feeling broken, whereas a 20 minute sack session where we focus on other mutually enjoyable activities is going to leave me highly satisfied, even though I did not orgasm. I see from the comments below that this is not always the case, but for me the pressure to orgasm often leaves me feeling like a failure when I cannot, and so why would I look forward to an activity when I feel as if I am likely to fail? If mutual pleasure is the goal, then I am guaranteed to succeed and look forward to having sex again next time. So for those of us who struggle to get to orgasm, I encourage guys to just let it go.


Paul Byerly September 7, 2015 at 11:05 am

@Kay – It sounds like you have an excellent understanding of your body and sexuality. This is a huge blessing for a couple, and I wish it were more common. Unfortunately may women are raised to not think about their sexuality or sexual parts, which results in limited understanding of the same.
One thing that works for some couples is for the wife to have a “sure-fire” way of reaching orgasm. It might be oral sex, or a certain position, a vibrator, or him holding her while she does it. If she finds something sure to work, then she should be allowed to call for it at any point during sex. Sometimes a woman hits a point where she can climax if she switches to the sure thing now, but later it won’t work. If hubby understands the why for all this, he should be on board with it. (And yes, I understand this is not an option for you, but what you wrote made me think of it.
Paul Byerly recently posted…What You Do to Me is WorseMy Profile


Kay September 5, 2015 at 5:51 am

I have also never and will never fake it. And I think my husband knows that. It is obvious when I feel like a failure for being unable to climax. I also don’t think I could fake it even if I tried. I have so little control over my body when it happens; there is no way I could replicate that, lol.


libl August 28, 2015 at 2:31 pm

Ok, here I go. The wife on the other side.

I crave orgasm. I am not usually satisfied unless I have one. I can skip it occasionally, but usually within 24 hours, I NEED one.

Unfortunately, my husband isn’t much at all into doing what needs to be done to get there. If he does want me to orgasm, it is for his pleasure and sake, not for my own….and I have to get there with my effort, not his (though at least now he contributes.)

Basically, what I am saying is husbands, please please do what your wife needs, craves, and wants and not what you think she wants, or worse, force her to adjust to your way because you refuse to do it her way.

I love sex, but every encounter leaves me a bit sad, wanting, and hurt because it is never about me.


Paul Byerly August 29, 2015 at 9:32 am

@libl – Thank you so much for speaking up. You are not alone, other women are the same way. Love is about giving what is wanted and needed.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Why She Won’t She Talk About SexMy Profile


Amy August 29, 2015 at 11:26 am

I’m also one of “those” women, LOL, who craves an orgasm each time my husband and I make love. Does it always happen? No. But fortunately I have a husband who is more than happy to oblige me and help make it happen if I want and who has even said that it’s just not as good for him if I don’t climax also.

Any time where I’ve said “it’s okay, I don’t need to” it’s usually because I feel there isn’t sufficient time to keep trying…so in those cases I’m actually lying about what I want so that he can finish. And those are the times where I feel less than satisfied.

I’m always blown away by women who state they are content with no orgasm and thoroughly enjoy sex regardless. Whenever I’ve gotten so close and it doesn’t happen, well I just feel very frustrated. But having said that, sex is once a week sometimes if we’re fortunate twice so perhaps if we had sex way more often (which I would love) than maybe I too wouldn’t care so much about the orgasm.

And I know for husband, striving to help me orgasm is not about conquest, it’s about wanting to give me pleasure because he says I give him great pleasure throughout our life in general. He wants to please me as much as I please him, not just in the bedroom.
Amy recently posted…Is there fruit?My Profile


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