Our recent How Do You Climax? survey shown a light on how common solo masturbation is in marriage; and it’s not just men doing it! Of our sample, 61% of the women and 70% of the men engaged in solo masturbation during the last six months. For men 25% of all orgasms came from solo masturbation. For women it was 21%. These numbers are an average including those who didn’t masturbate, so for those who do the ratio is even higher.
There’s a whole lot of solo sex happening in marriages!
Based on the numbers above we can’t look at this as “all men are horn dogs”. Neither can we beat up on the men too much, unless we’re willing to do the same to all the women doing the same. We also can’t assume women saying no is the problem.
We’ve done other surveys in the past that gave a look into why married men and women choose to masturbate. Sexual refusal, as in “I asked, s/he said no” is not the primary reason. In fact, if you dig a bit it becomes clear there are plenty of couples where both of them masturbate!
What in the world is going on?
The bottom line is most couples are too busy for more sex. Maybe they could squeeze in a few more quickies, but they don’t have the time to have more real, solid, sex; the kind of sex that takes long enough for both to get fully aroused and reach climax. Beyond this, even fewer couples have the time necessary to build the emotional base needed for more sex.
While this is all horrible, it gets worse. I see a couple’s sex life as a canary in the mine type of indicator; when sex falls off, the marriage is in danger. Let it go on too long and a lack of sex will be the least of your marital problems.
I’m going to challenge you to do what I’ll ask the men to do tomorrow: if you masturbate, tell your spouse. Tell him you do it, and tell him how often you do it. Don’t justify it or blame him; just own it. Tell him you’d much rather have more sex with him, and then ask him what it will take for that to happen. Have a good conversation about the issues and work on solutions.
Odds are he’s also masturbating. If he confesses this great, if not don’t push. Deal with this from your side and leave him to own up to what he might be doing in his own time and way.
~ Paul, I’m XY, and I’ve learned to make time for my wife in every way.
If you want to read more on this topic: We must published the results of our Married & Masturbating? follow up survey. This one takes a look at how often and why husbands and wives are masturbating apart from their spouse.