One is the Loneliest Number

September 11, 2015

in Uncategorized

Our recent How Do You Climax? survey shown a light on how common solo masturbation is in marriage; and it’s not just men doing it! Of our sample, 61% of the women and 70% of the men engaged in solo masturbation during the last six months. For men 25% of all orgasms came from solo masturbation. For women it was 21%. These numbers are an average including those who didn’t masturbate, so for those who do the ratio is even higher.

There’s a whole lot of solo sex happening in marriages!

One, solo, alone © Postgen

Based on the numbers above we can’t look at this as “all men are horn dogs”. Neither can we beat up on the men too much, unless we’re willing to do the same to all the women doing the same. We also can’t assume women saying no is the problem.

We’ve done other surveys in the past that gave a look into why married men and women choose to masturbate. Sexual refusal, as in “I asked, s/he said no” is not the primary reason. In fact, if you dig a bit it becomes clear there are plenty of couples where both of them masturbate!

What in the world is going on?

The bottom line is most couples are too busy for more sex. Maybe they could squeeze in a few more quickies, but they don’t have the time to have more real, solid, sex; the kind of sex that takes long enough for both to get fully aroused and reach climax. Beyond this, even fewer couples have the time necessary to build the emotional base needed for more sex. 

While this is all horrible, it gets worse. I see a couple’s sex life as a canary in the mine type of indicator; when sex falls off, the marriage is in danger. Let it go on too long and a lack of sex will be the least of your marital problems.

I’m going to challenge you to do what I’ll ask the men to do tomorrow: if you masturbate, tell your spouse. Tell him you do it, and tell him how often you do it. Don’t justify it or blame him; just own it. Tell him you’d much rather have more sex with him, and then ask him what it will take for that to happen. Have a good conversation about the issues and work on solutions.  

Odds are he’s also masturbating. If he confesses this great, if not don’t push. Deal with this from your side and leave him to own up to what he might be doing in his own time and way.

~ Paul, I’m XY, and I’ve learned to make time for my wife in every way.

If you want to read more on this topic: We must published the results of our Married & Masturbating? follow up survey. This one takes a look at how often and why husbands and wives are masturbating apart from their spouse.

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Keelie Reason September 11, 2015 at 7:37 am

It is so heartbreaking that many people are engaging in solo sex. The name alone should tip you off that it really has no place in marriage. More and more women are masturbating because they have access to vibrators on the shelves at Walmart and pharmacies. I think they are also being told to explore themselves more. I find this to be a very bad thing for any marriage. Especially if a woman brings herself to orgasm, she is not going to need her husband for the release. I also find that the way you can stimulate yourself during masturbation is way different than the way your husband can stimulate you. I think it is just going to lead to more and more women having a harder time orgasming while engaging with their spouse. I think for men, and women both, solo sex leads to porn. That is such a huge problem since everyone can access it so easily.
Keelie Reason recently posted…What a Couple Can Do Together to Feel AttractiveMy Profile


Paul Byerly September 11, 2015 at 10:14 am

@Keelie Reason – Is the availability of vibrators cause or effect? I’d say some of both.

I’m all for exploring ourselves. Preferably with our spouse, but sometimes doing it alone then sharing is easier.

I have never understood those who say they would rather masturbate even if they could have sex. Sure it’s fast and easy, but it’s so much less than being with my wife. Obviously there’s no emotional/relational aspect it. Mentally it’s empty. Even physically I find it far, far better with her. I was rather skilled at pleasuring myself when I was single, but from day one I found sex with my wife to be worlds better in every way, including physical pleasure.

I realise my reality is not that of everyone, but I don’t know why.


Dan September 14, 2015 at 8:57 am

Obviously both sides want more sex, but do they always want it with one another? It is very true that time and circumstance play a big factor in when we have sex, solo or with our partners. I can be difficult to ignore sexual tension and wait until all factors align to provide a joint opportunity. The stress can creates short tempers and anxiety. At times, even when the other party is present, they are not always interested in sex. If that is the case, I would rather masturbate in the presence of my wife so there is some form of sharing going on. Who knows, your spouse may decide to lend a helping hand and that in itself is a positive outcome.
Dan recently posted…Quickie: When size doesn’t matter — Feel His PainMy Profile


Paul Byerly September 15, 2015 at 6:33 am

@Dan – If both want more sex but they can’t manage it, something is out of whack. Usually it means the couple is far to busy. Busy is a problem for more than our sex lives, and dealing with being too busy will benefit a couple in many ways, both sexually and otherwise.


Marietta October 17, 2016 at 1:57 pm

What about masturbation before marriage? Like for teens?


Paul Byerly October 17, 2016 at 4:22 pm

@Marietta To me the answer to this is found in 1 Cor 10:13b “God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” [1 Cor 10:13b ESV]
As I see it masturbation is on one side of the promise we see in this verse. The promise is “SIN | WAY OF ESCAPE”
Many see masturbation as being on the left side. If that is the case, then what is the way of escape? The fact that virtually no males and very few females make it to marriage without masturbating suggest to me there is no way of escape. This means either the Bible is wrong or putting masturbation on the left side is wrong.
I think masturbation is on the right side, as God’s way of escape from premarital sex, lusts, and porn. (And if it’s not, then what is the way of escape from those things?)
The Bible never speaks of masturbation despite the fact it was common when the Bible was written. Given God explicitly forbids things like sex with animals and homosexuality, the lack of mention is not about it being obvious or just too gross to mention. I can’t think of any reason God would have left it out if in fact it is sin to masturbate.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Brace Yourselves Holidays Are Coming!My Profile


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