Sexy is As Sexy Does

September 25, 2015

in Uncategorized

This is a follow up on last Friday’s “Sexy is in the Eyes of the Beholder” post.

Woman in hubby's Shirt  © Konstantin Kamenetskiy |

My wise wife used the image above in a recent post entitled Something Different. She knows this is an extremely sexual image for men. The woman isn’t “showing anything”, so why is it so sexual?

  1. She is in her husband’s shirt. His shirt. She is in his shirt. It’s a claim and an invitation.
  2. She has a button open – not enough to show cleavage, but enough to grab his mind and take it down under the shirt.
  3. Her posture is open and inviting. She is showing off her chest, another invitation.
  4. She is smiling. Not a shy or friendly smile, it’s an “I want you smile”.
  5. She is making very direct eye contact.

In short, this woman is saying “I’m yours, take me.”

Beyond all that, it doesn’t really matter what the woman looks like. She could be young or old, over weight or too skinny. She could have breasts of any size, legs of any length, and so on and so forth. What makes this sexy is not her body, but what she is doing with her body. Any man presented with a woman doing this would feel a sexual stirring even if the woman was “not his type” and he had no sexual interest in her. Her actions say sex to him, no matter how he feels about her.

Now imagine you came on to your husband this way. The woman he loves, the woman he wants, so clearly offering herself to him. If he’s got a working libido and isn’t messed up emotionally, he would find this the sexiest thing he’s seen in a long time.

Related: Chris, AKA The Forgiven Wife, wrote a post that fits perfectly with this: What Message Does Your Sleepwear Send? 

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I love me an XX who knows how to push my buttons!

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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

anonymous September 25, 2015 at 3:04 am

This may be true for most men but if I wear Hubby’s shirt, lingerie, a dress or even nothing and approach him, he looks me in the eye, talks to me like I’m wearing business attire, and goes back to what he is doing. Yet if a woman walks by while out he sure notices.


T September 25, 2015 at 5:45 pm

Anonymous, you’re not alone. I did this exact same “wear his shirt” thing 2 years ago, except unbuttoned to the navel. DH actually *rolled his eyes at me* shook his head and stuck his nose back in his book. But he refuses to initiate, AND he’s the one who complains about wanting more sex.


Paul Byerly September 27, 2015 at 4:36 pm

@T – So his words (I want more sex) and his actions are not matching up?
Paul Byerly recently posted…Choose to be WrongedMy Profile


T September 28, 2015 at 12:44 pm

Well, Paul, it sure seems that way sometimes. I think it must be far more complicated than I understand at this point. It seemed like he lost interest in me and in my body – but not in being pleasured/serviced by me – about 3 months after he “caught” me. He claims the rejection was due to my poor timing. (This was a book he owns and has read many times before. Not a page turner or anything.)

I heard of another desperate woman who got in the (running!) shower right in front of her husband while fully dressed, just to see if he would even notice. He didn’t. Sometimes wives can feel invisible to our husbands.


Paul Byerly September 29, 2015 at 9:59 am

@T – Seems there is something more going on than he is admitting. Or maybe something less. But unless he wants to work on it, you’re stuck.
So sorry for the difficulty and the pain it causes.
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Anonymous 2 September 30, 2015 at 11:06 am

Your are not alone. My husband seems to hate for me to initiate. I will almost always be rejected. It doesn’t matter the timing. Yet, all he does is complain we don’t have sex enough but only three things to turn him on enough to initiate.
a) If I am cooking, doing dishes or something in the kitchen (especially something that can easily be burned)
b) If I am IMing with a friend online -especially one having a meltdown so I can’t leave.
c) If we have guests (knowing it’s too hard to do it and be discreet in this house)


Paul Byerly September 30, 2015 at 9:49 pm

@Anonymous 2 – Sounds like another case of words and actions not matching up.
Hope you find some clarity as to why.
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Chris September 25, 2015 at 11:15 am

So this is why my husband sometimes likes to give me his old shirts to wear!

Thanks for linking to my post today. :)
Chris recently posted…What Message Does Your Sleepwear Send?My Profile


Nick September 25, 2015 at 11:37 am

I have a lingerie poll running on my site for both men and women. The poll results show a very real disconnect between men and women. The first question of the men’s poll is, “Does your wife in lingerie turn you on?” The men answer “Yes, very much” at over 90%.

The first question for the women is, “Does wearing lingerie turn you on?” Only 22% respond “Yes, very much”. 44% respond with “Yes”.

For the men, when asked their wife’s body type, the answers are all over the board; skinny, fat, obese, medium, whatever.

The point is, men are attracted to their wives and their bodies.

I wrote a post about it as well called, “Wives, take your big girl panties off. We husbands love your body”.
Nick recently posted…Emotions: Why are Men so Emotionally Absent?My Profile


Paul Byerly September 25, 2015 at 11:57 am

@Nick – It would have been interesting to ask the ladies if they think it turns their husband on when they wear lingerie!
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Nick September 30, 2015 at 1:02 am

When the current poll runs its course, I’ll run it again with that question.

I actually believe the question is self answering simply because women don’t believe themselves to be sexy, therefore neither will their husbands. But it’s a good question.
Nick recently posted…Emotions: Why are Men so Emotionally Absent?My Profile


Paul Byerly September 30, 2015 at 9:41 am

@Nick – I’ve been redoing some old surveys. I always see holes when I do the resutls.
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Jerry Stumpf September 25, 2015 at 12:25 pm

Paul, Lori hit is right, many husbands enjoy seeing a bit of skin from their wife.
Husbands like to see their wife’s body!
My bride has fought the “battle of the buldge” all her life and for many years did not believe me when I called her Beautiful. Finally after 41 years, she believes me. Doesn’t understand me, but accepts that I find her appealing.

I also wonder if it has to do with “accessability” for us? Thanks sir for your thoughts.
Jerry Stumpf recently posted…Let’s pull back the curtains: What do happy couples talk about?My Profile


John September 29, 2015 at 11:51 am

I guess I’m the only one who doesn’t want to see his wife look like the above picture. Because I would probably fall over dead from the shock, since we have a sexless marriage. I guess I want to live too much.


Paul Byerly September 30, 2015 at 9:40 am

@John – At least you still have your sense of humour! Sorry for the rest.
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Keelie Reason September 30, 2015 at 11:35 am

You know what is funny, I don’t look at that pic and think she’s asking for sex at all. Men and women are so different! Or at the very least, society has told us we have to do insanely complicated and uncomfortable looking things to look sexy for our husbands. Why don’t we project this image a bit more so that women can stop feeling intimidated by trying to look sexy or act sexy. One of my biggest problems is knowing what to do once I get the lingerie on. Maybe all I need to do is put my arms over my head. :D How simple!
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Paul Byerly September 30, 2015 at 9:50 pm

@Keelie Reason – I’m not at all surprised – I suspect many women don’t see it as sexy. It takes very little to look sexy, especially when a woman feels sexy.
As to lingerie – once it’s on, whatever you do is going to be sexy.
Paul Byerly recently posted…Who Said You’re a Failure?My Profile


IntimacySeeker October 12, 2015 at 7:24 am

Would men find lingerie sexy had they not been influenced by media?


Paul Byerly October 12, 2015 at 1:36 pm

@IntimacySeeker – Absolutely.
First it’s a tease – it shows a bit, but not all. Men love to be sexually teased – as long as it’s followed by more.
Secondly it shows initiative on her part, which comminicates an interest in being sexual. This is both a turn on and reassuring.
I will admit what kind of lingere a man likes is going to be influanced by what he’s seen. However a man who had never seen anything before his wife put something on would still be very much aroused by it,
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IntimacySeeker October 13, 2015 at 1:19 pm

I wonder if the reason he thinks it shows initiative is because of what he’s been conditioned to believe (Victoria Secret catalogs, etc.) I would wager that the reason my husband finds lacy bra and panties more enticing than plain white cotton is due to media.

If he had never seen lacy underthings before, the first time I wore them, he might be aroused because more of me was showing, but he wouldn’t receive the “she wants me” or “she wants sex” message. The reason he makes that connection with lingerie is because of what the media teach us.

Don’t get me wrong here. I’ve no problem with my husband enjoying my body. Just trying to sort out where media messages interfere with instinct. Media do a lot of damage to our culture. We all do well to pay more attention.


Paul Byerly October 13, 2015 at 10:10 pm

@IntimacySeeker – It’s the idea you did it for him – just like the woman in her husband’s shirt I did recently.
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IntimacySeeker October 14, 2015 at 7:56 am

Understood. Can we do loving things for our spouses without participating in the media-driven culture and while standing against its message that women are sex objects and consumable products? Right now, I cannot wear lingerie without feeling I am surrendering to those messages. And I know my husband wants better for me as well.


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