Why All the Drama?

September 30, 2015

in Uncategorized

We regularly run into couples where one has no desire for drama while the other seems to feed on it.

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I have a theory on this. Craving and creating drama is like having allergies. According to the “hygiene hypothesis”, exposure to plenty of bacteria and viruses keeps the immune system busy. In our modern less germy world, allergies are the result of our immune system not having enough to do. 

For all the stress of our modern world, we don’t have many real life and death worries. Certainly, nothing like people faced through most of history. I think we have a part of the brain devoted to dealing with life threatening crisis, and when we lack real crisis we make things up.

I’ve seen some folks who are clearly creating one drama after another. I’m sure these folks would deny they’re doing it, and it’s likely they are doing it unconsciously. Regardless of why they do it or if they know they do it, some people are all about drama and crisis, and they’ll go to great measures to have it.

Most men have no stomach for this, and the older a man gets the less he’s willing to put up with drama. Ongoing drama is a sure way to get a man to withdraw and ignore the source of the drama.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and doing marriage ministry gives us all the drama we can handle! 

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Kendra September 30, 2015 at 8:42 am

You are so right! And yet, we can (often unconsciously) get ourselves into a negative loop. If the husband is not proactive about showing attention, he can unwittingly reinforce her drama. She cries, he pays attention. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I’ve found it’s important to examine why there’s so much drama – especially for women who claim to hate drama. She must be getting something from the drama – what need is the drama meeting? Then brainstorm (hopefully together) ways to get that need met without the drama. Win.win. ;-)
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Paul Byerly October 1, 2015 at 12:24 pm

@Kendra – We do what works, even if we would rather not.
Looking at why is always a good plan, especially when we claim we don’t like what we keep doing.
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libl October 1, 2015 at 2:48 am

I think drama comes out of a feeling of not being truly heard. It can also come from not being taught how to communicate. Or, it comes from actually enjoying it. For me it was a mix of 1 and 2….BUT at the same time I was told by men in my life that everything was drama. I would try to talk about a problem I was having, or a difficult choice to make. I would seek advice. I like to talk things out, but those closest to me would accuse me of being dramatic and shut me down.

If your wife is “being dramatic” try to read between the lines without supporting unnecessary drama.


Paul Byerly October 1, 2015 at 9:13 am

@libl – Great thoughts. I’m building a post for TGH from the comments on this post!
Some men do use the word drama to dismiss things they don’t want to deal with. In part this is a gender difference, in part it’s just selfishness.
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Rosemary October 3, 2015 at 8:35 am

I also think that a need for drama is sometimes learned in the family of origin, especially one that was highly dysfunctional or abusive. I have had a couple of friends like this, who were habituated to a high level of craziness and conflict in childhood and adolescence. They had trouble feeling involved unless it was in a confrontational or contentious manner. Being in a peaceful situation made them feel like “nothing is happening”.
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Paul Byerly October 3, 2015 at 9:29 am

@Rosemary – Family of origin is huge in this – both leading to people craving it and hating it!
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