The Confusion of Making Love to a Woman

October 9, 2015

in Uncategorized

Male sexuality is rather simple. Our parts are easy to see, you can usually tell when we’re aroused at a glance, and doing the same thing repeatedly will get you the same result at least 98% of the time.

Female sexuality is none of the above, and most men find it downright confusing. Below are some common areas of confusion and error. Look for these in your husband and educate him as needed.

Confused man © slasnyi |


  • You were hinting: The one time men get hints is when they’re sexual. Unfortunately, he reads what you say and do the way he would mean it, so he regularly thinks you’re asking for sex when you’re not. At best this confuses him; at worst he decided you’re a tease (and not the good kind.)
  • You made me horny: This is an extension of the above. He assumes you know when you turn him on, and you did it on purpose. You can see how ugly that could get in his head.
  • Wet means go: Long before we had been with a woman, most of us learned wetness was a sign she was   desperate for intercourse. We also learned wetness tracks directly with arousal, so the wetter she is, the faster she will climax. This wrong information is so deeply embedded in our minds we tend to function as if it’s true even when we know better. 
  • Dry means not yet: Having no understanding of how hormonal fluctuations, birth control, and other things affect your body, we think a lack of lubrication means you’re not interested or not ready. If you are ever past ready before you lubricate well, get some artificial lube and tell him when you’re ready.
  • You need foreplay EVERY.TIME.: This is the other side of the one-size-fits-all peer sex education we get from boys who have no clue. We learn every woman needs at least 20 minutes of foreplay every time. Early in our marriage I had the gall to tell Lori she needed more foreplay. She had the wisdom to prove me wrong. ;-)
  • It felt good last week: We expect sex to be formulaic. Do steps 1 through 15 in order correctly and get a sure result. 
  • That can’t hurt: Aside from our testicles, our sexual parts are significantly tougher than yours. We expect you to be okay with the level of “roughness” we want. Don’t wait for pain, tell him when it’s even remotely uncomfortable.
  • Thrusting for the win!: For a man, the thrusting of intercourse is a sure way to climax. Why would women be different?
  • Noise level = amount of pleasure: I suspect men have long felt this way, but porn has made it worse. In reality, the kind of noise men crave is only possible if a woman does it intentionally, which interferes with her pleasure.
  • Size matters: Men are convinced the size of the boat is what’s it’s all about. We also think length is what makes a difference. This has the odd effect of causing men who think they’re small to work harder at sex to “make up” for what they lack while men who think they are well endowed may assume their size is all the need to be good in bed.
  • If you orgasm it was good: Any sex ending with a climax is good sex for us. We have a hard time understanding an orgasm may not be worth the effort. 
  • You want multiples: We’ve been told every woman is capable of multiple orgasms. If you can, you want to. If you don’t want to, it’s our calling in life to show you otherwise.
  • You want to dissect each sex act: Because talking about sex is the next best thing to doing it.
  • Having sex means we’re okay: Once we understand women need an emotional connection to want/have/enjoy sex we may assume having sex with us means our marriage relationship is solid.

Aside from what you may have learned about his sexual confusion in this post, odds are you also learned something new about how he functions. Use your new found wisdom well!

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve learned female sexuality is as complex as it is wonderful.

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

KT October 10, 2015 at 2:09 pm

Really?! About the noise factor…no, I’m very noisy and it’s not intentional! You say this as if it’s true for every woman! No, I’m noisy…a screamer even and I’m tired of reading that women only fake this level of noise!


Juliet October 16, 2015 at 9:41 am

I’m with KT. I’m noisy & kind of loud and I’m not faking it. In fact, it’s impossible for me to think enough to be able to fake it. It does start before I orgasm. It does end w/his orgasm or shortly thereafter. The noise level usually does not peak with his orgasm or with mine, but somewhere in between although noises continue .

I’m glad you read a study and learned a bit, but I think your conclusion is pretty limited to state definitively, “In reality, the kind of noise men crave is only possible if a woman does it intentionally, which interferes with her pleasure.” That’s an insulting sentence because it’s stated as an absolute truth although it’s really your opinion based on a study you read and probably your experience.

I don’t think I’m an exception just like I don’t think I’m the rule. To be clear, my own noisiness does not interfere w/my pleasure in any way. As I come out of my dopamine rush, I don’t like hearing myself and I do try to quiet down some although it is just plain responsive–even when I’m able to think enough to be quieter.


Paul Byerly October 16, 2015 at 8:22 pm

@Juliet – Perhaps some women do naturally make the kind of noise made by virtually every woman in virtually every porn movie. At best it is exceptionally rare. It is certainly not something anyone should encourage men to expect from their wives!
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Henri October 17, 2015 at 7:24 pm

Noise maker here. Its just something that happens. I couldn’t control it if I wanted to. Now this doesn’t mean it happens every single time. But more often then not. A good bit of the time I don’t even realize I’m doing it. Its usually not with any climax though, or at least not when hubs makes me aware of it. So maybe we are talking about 2 very different types of noise – natural vs fake.


Paul Byerly October 18, 2015 at 5:58 pm

@Henri – Yes, natural and fake, exactly so.
I’ve said a lot about not wanting women to be pressured to make noise which is not natural for them. The other side of this is women not being told to avoid noise which IS natural for them. Having to hold back is just as destructive as having to fake something, and neither is loving. If a good deal of noise is natural for a woman, then the couple should find ways to deal with it. I recall man once telling me they were soundproofing their bedroom. He did no elaborate, but the look on his face explained the why!
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Paul Byerly October 11, 2015 at 7:11 pm

@KT First, there are almost always exceptions.
I did not elaborate, but the kind of noise men want is not just loud. It start well before orgasm and builds to a level sure to wake people down the street. Are there any women who do this naturally? Maybe, but they are exceedingly rare at best. Most of the women who sound this way are faking it, which is hurting sex for the woman.
I read a study on noise made by women during sex, and the conclusion was the volume peaked at HIS climax, not her climax. If she wants to do that for him, great. If doing it for him limits or prevents her enjoyment, I have a big problem with that. If a woman is pushed to do this when she doesn’t want to, I have a problem with that too.
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Monica October 17, 2015 at 7:03 am

Hey I read often but don’t usually comment. I love what you and Lori do. I would like to say I am noisy also (my husband shhhes me sometimes). I am not wlways at the same level and somethings make me louder. Louder does not always correspond to feeling the best I must say. There are things done slowly and gently that feel amazing but doesn’t elicit a lot of noise. I think this confuses hubby. I would also like to say that I am not my loudest when hubby climaxes but I will say that the level may rise at that time because his excitement excites me and his feel changes alot right before climax. I don’t want to give tmi but if I anywhere near climax when he goes I will because it feels that good when he gets close. So that may be why some women get louder at his climax. Just some thoughts but I do agree that people may feel pressure to preform at a level that is not normal for them. Im not even sure what normal means because not every act gets the same response from me and doesn’t necessarily mean I am enjoying it less.


Paul Byerly October 17, 2015 at 7:12 pm

@Monica – I can certainly understand getting louder because of his enjoyment – I think that’s rather normal. If we are really into sex as we should be it’s about us, not me!
When I talk about porn sex noise, I recall something I heard many years ago when I was delivering the New York Times on the UT campus. It was run on the local paper’s presses before their paper, so it was delivered between 10 PM and 2 AM. One night I was in a student apartment complex about midnight – I had three deliveries in the building. I first heard the woman in question a floor down and several dozen units away. She got louder and louder as I worked my way through the building. If I was to believe her sounds she climaxed half a dozen times, each on louder than the last. She also woke pretty much everyone in the building. It was so over the top I could not believe it was real. Sadly I suspect most of the guys in the building did, and then expected their wife/girlfriend/one-night-stand to do the same. I felt deeply sorry for all the young women who were going to have to either fake a similar performance or be accused of being frigid or repressed.
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