Male sexuality is rather simple. Our parts are easy to see, you can usually tell when we’re aroused at a glance, and doing the same thing repeatedly will get you the same result at least 98% of the time.
Female sexuality is none of the above, and most men find it downright confusing. Below are some common areas of confusion and error. Look for these in your husband and educate him as needed.
- You were hinting: The one time men get hints is when they’re sexual. Unfortunately, he reads what you say and do the way he would mean it, so he regularly thinks you’re asking for sex when you’re not. At best this confuses him; at worst he decided you’re a tease (and not the good kind.)
- You made me horny: This is an extension of the above. He assumes you know when you turn him on, and you did it on purpose. You can see how ugly that could get in his head.
- Wet means go: Long before we had been with a woman, most of us learned wetness was a sign she was desperate for intercourse. We also learned wetness tracks directly with arousal, so the wetter she is, the faster she will climax. This wrong information is so deeply embedded in our minds we tend to function as if it’s true even when we know better.
- Dry means not yet: Having no understanding of how hormonal fluctuations, birth control, and other things affect your body, we think a lack of lubrication means you’re not interested or not ready. If you are ever past ready before you lubricate well, get some artificial lube and tell him when you’re ready.
- You need foreplay EVERY.TIME.: This is the other side of the one-size-fits-all peer sex education we get from boys who have no clue. We learn every woman needs at least 20 minutes of foreplay every time. Early in our marriage I had the gall to tell Lori she needed more foreplay. She had the wisdom to prove me wrong.
- It felt good last week: We expect sex to be formulaic. Do steps 1 through 15 in order correctly and get a sure result.
- That can’t hurt: Aside from our testicles, our sexual parts are significantly tougher than yours. We expect you to be okay with the level of “roughness” we want. Don’t wait for pain, tell him when it’s even remotely uncomfortable.
- Thrusting for the win!: For a man, the thrusting of intercourse is a sure way to climax. Why would women be different?
- Noise level = amount of pleasure: I suspect men have long felt this way, but porn has made it worse. In reality, the kind of noise men crave is only possible if a woman does it intentionally, which interferes with her pleasure.
- Size matters: Men are convinced the size of the boat is what’s it’s all about. We also think length is what makes a difference. This has the odd effect of causing men who think they’re small to work harder at sex to “make up” for what they lack while men who think they are well endowed may assume their size is all the need to be good in bed.
- If you orgasm it was good: Any sex ending with a climax is good sex for us. We have a hard time understanding an orgasm may not be worth the effort.
- You want multiples: We’ve been told every woman is capable of multiple orgasms. If you can, you want to. If you don’t want to, it’s our calling in life to show you otherwise.
- You want to dissect each sex act: Because talking about sex is the next best thing to doing it.
- Having sex means we’re okay: Once we understand women need an emotional connection to want/have/enjoy sex we may assume having sex with us means our marriage relationship is solid.
Aside from what you may have learned about his sexual confusion in this post, odds are you also learned something new about how he functions. Use your new found wisdom well!
~ Paul – I’m XY, and I’ve learned female sexuality is as complex as it is wonderful.